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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

When to tell parents we are pregnant...

58 replies

ChickenNugget86 · 24/08/2019 12:39

Hi everyone looking for some advice. I've been a long time reader on mums net but first time poster so here it goes...

Me and DH have found out I'm pregnant. We had been trying for 3 months so feel a bit shocked and still taking it in. I thought we would be TTC a lot longer and would have problems etc... I know it's still early days and things can go wrong so taking each day as it comes.

DH is over the moon and wants to tell his parents where as I would be happy waiting for the scan to make sure everything is OK.

The issue is I don't have my parents, as my mum passed away when I was 18 and I don't have any contact with my alchoholic dad, and I don't have any close family members.

DH sees his parents twice a week and while understanding that its early days and not to tell the world,also feels awkward keeping it a secret until the scan when he sees them that much. This would be their first grandchild so while I hope they will be really pleased, we don't know if grandparents to be expect to be told earlier...

I'm not sure if it's me BU because I don't have my parents so don't know when i'd want to have told my own, but I think we should wait until near the scan at least.

AIBU?

OP posts:
RainbowAlicorn · 24/08/2019 12:42

How far gone are you? Could you split the difference and not tell them yet, but tell them before the scan?

AdelaideK · 24/08/2019 12:43

I'd tell them. If you both have a good relationship with them then I think I'd have to let them know.

BeanBag7 · 24/08/2019 12:44

If your DH is close to his parents then I think it's fine to tell them. If something goes wrong, they will be able to support him/ you. We told all our parents at about 6 weeks because we wanted them to know and also they would want to know if we did have a miscarriage or similar so they could be there for us.

12 weeks is a loooong time to go without telling anyone. Maybe your mind would be more at ease if you had an early scan?

ShirleyPhallus · 24/08/2019 12:45

I’d tell them. We have recently been in a similar position but my view is that if we were to lose the baby we’d want to tell the family anyway so this way, they get to share the news and excitement early and it also helps explain away not drinking / being unwell etc

Sorry about your parents Flowers

Pipandmum · 24/08/2019 12:45

We told my parents at about 6 weeks as it was Christmas and the Christmas before we had announced our engagement so it seemed fitting.
Second time I was 42 so did wait until 12 weeks.

Fortheloveofscience · 24/08/2019 12:48

There isn’t a right time, just whenever feels right to you. I told my mum 2 days after getting the positive test, DH’s parents at 8 weeks and then my dad at 19w. If you’re uncomfortable telling your PIL this soon then ask your DH to wait for a couple of weeks and then see how you feel.

NataliaOsipova · 24/08/2019 12:48

I agree with the “would he want to tell them if the news was bad?” test. If he would - and you’d be grateful for that support, then why wait to tell them? If not, then wait until 12 weeks.

Original poster
ChickenNugget86 · 24/08/2019 12:48

I'm going to the doctors next week for an appointment but roughly I'm 4/5 weeks.

I don't see my in laws that often. DH visits after work as he works near by them. I don't dislike them or anything just not very close.

I was very close to my mum and spent my whole adult life without parents so maybe feel a bit bitter?

OP posts:
NiceWork · 24/08/2019 12:51

I have my parents, as does DH, and we're very fond of them, but we didn't tell them until I was 17 weeks.

I would consult your own preferences on this.

JudgeRindersMinder · 24/08/2019 12:52

I’d be telling the worldwide press if your DH is pregnant...presumably this is what you mean by WE are pregnant?

Spinnaret · 24/08/2019 12:55

This will be a bittersweet time for you. Flowers
Missing your mum at a time when you are looking forwards to the excitement (and fear!) of becoming a parent.

I'd be inclined to wait a week or two because you are so early, but not necessarily all the way to 12 weeks.

DBro and his partner are expecting their first, they have only just told our parents at 21 weeks as they wanted to wait for the anomaly scan (she is 43 and it was very unexpected), but they told me at 14 weeks.

The only bit YABU about is saying 'we' are pregnant.

user00119922 · 24/08/2019 12:56

Told both sets of parents after 12 week scan

WombatStewForTea · 24/08/2019 13:14

First time round we told them almost straight away at 5 weeks (DH was showing mil our new bathroom and opened the draw where I'd stashed the positive test Grin)
I ended up miscarrying and would have told them anyway so didn't mind.
Now 17 weeks and told them at 7 weeks after we'd had an early reassurance scan and saw a heartbeat as the chances of s successful pregnancy after that are much higher

Millie2017 · 24/08/2019 13:15

We waited until 12 week scan as actually we wouldn’t have told either set of parents if we’d had a miscarriage. Just our preference.
It was nice having this little secret between the two of us and no one minded the fact we had waited.

Original poster
ChickenNugget86 · 24/08/2019 13:17

Thanks everyone for the comments so far. DH typed this thread with me (he did the title) haha and we're reading the comments together Smile

I think I'm going to wait for my GP appointment to check dates/appointments etc... We are currently away abroad and found out here as my period was 2 days late. That made it even more of a shock I think as I was waiting for my period to start!

We have been together for 12 years and married for 5. I've always been asked "when are you having kids?" this is mainly from my family when I do see them. My Nana even thought that one of us was infertile as we have been together that long and not had children. I've always been vague to people about it as it's such a personal question.

Me and DH both wanted children but I wanted to wait until late 20's and enjoy being married and having holidays together. So still getting my head around the fact I came off the pill in June and its happened.

It is a bittersweet moment as I really miss my mum and have done all main life events without her - getting my first job, renting a flat, getting engaged, mortgage..... So it's difficult and I've needed lots of CBT therapy over the years to help me.

OP posts:
TheLetterOfTheLawTheLetter · 24/08/2019 13:17

I told parents each time after a private 7 wk scan, as I knew there was something there at that point and chances were relatively good having seen a heartbeat. If that helps! You may not be having a private scan but just to say it's an option if you can afford it, makes wait for 12 week more bearable!

hormonesorDHbeingadick · 24/08/2019 13:20

If you would want to tell them if you miscarry then tell them your pregnant.

Do you need to go to the dr in your area? In ours and many others the GP receptionist just gives you the details to self refer to midwife.

Sceptre86 · 24/08/2019 13:28

We told my in laws the day we found out the first time ( we lived with them and they heard us both crying, happy tears of course). They were over the moon. As it happened we were due to stay the night at my parents house before flying out on holiday for our 1st anniversary. Both sets of grandparents got told on the same day albeit my in laws a couple of hours before. The second time around we waited a week and then told them. If we were to have another I would wait until the 12 week scan. Totally up to you and really depends if you are ok with them sharing the news or would expect them to keep quiet until the first scan. Congratulations by the way!

KUGA · 24/08/2019 13:40

Wait for the scan results.
Congratulations to you both.

DappledThings · 24/08/2019 13:44

I told parents within a couple of days of knowing. Didn't cross my mind not to. But I hated the idea of making any kind of big announcement and the longer we waited the bigger it seemed. Told people whenever it came up so some people at 7 weeks, some at 7 months!

CassianAndor · 24/08/2019 13:49

Firstly, please don’t use the phrase ‘we are pregant’, it’s absolutely cringeworthy and also incorrect.

12 week scan, no earlier. Because I’ll bet you anything they’ll spread it far and wide and then, god forbid, should you miscarry, you have to deal with all those people knowing. Speaking from experience, the fewer people know the better at this stage.

Toneitdown · 24/08/2019 13:49

It depends on what you would want in the event of miscarriage. Would you tell them for support? Or would you rather keep it private? If you would tell them anyway then there's no point in waiting, but if you wouldn't want them to know then don't say anything yet.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 24/08/2019 13:50

Hi OP

Not the point of the thread but when I went to the doctors when I was first pregnant he said just Google the due date! Based on normal cycle length and date of last period.

My opinion is it's fine to wait. Unless you're ill and having to hide it it's just a case of not talking about it

Mumtotwo82 · 24/08/2019 13:50

Aw congrats! Also sorry I don't blame you for feeling that way. You have to do what your comfortable with..for me it didn't feel real until my scan even though I knew it was if that makes sense. So we never told either parents and if I miscarried I would of but it wasn't about that for me. It was having the time to adjust to being pregnant as once everyone knows your then the pregnant lady to everyone. I liked just us knowing and those weeks will fly by. We did say we would tell family before anyone else though.

hammeringinmyhead · 24/08/2019 13:56

I waited til the scan. It was actually an 11+2 scan as it turned out, so a day too early for measurements/nuchal test. A week after that scan, we were seeing both sets in person a few days apart (they are 3/4 hours away in different directions). So I had an 11 week scan photo for my parents and a 12 week scan photo for DH's.

Difference is I wouldn't have told them if I miscarried. They'd no idea we were trying after about 14 years together.