When to tell parents we are pregnant...

[ChickenNugget86]

Hi everyone looking for some advice. I've been a long time reader on mums net but first time poster so here it goes...

Me and DH have found out I'm pregnant. We had been trying for 3 months so feel a bit shocked and still taking it in. I thought we would be TTC a lot longer and would have problems etc... I know it's still early days and things can go wrong so taking each day as it comes.

DH is over the moon and wants to tell his parents where as I would be happy waiting for the scan to make sure everything is OK.

The issue is I don't have my parents, as my mum passed away when I was 18 and I don't have any contact with my alchoholic dad, and I don't have any close family members.

DH sees his parents twice a week and while understanding that its early days and not to tell the world,also feels awkward keeping it a secret until the scan when he sees them that much. This would be their first grandchild so while I hope they will be really pleased, we don't know if grandparents to be expect to be told earlier...

I'm not sure if it's me BU because I don't have my parents so don't know when i'd want to have told my own, but I think we should wait until near the scan at least.

AIBU?

Honestly I think you need to let your DH tell his family as his relationship with them is nothing at all like yours. My DH also has no family left and he also felt ‘uncomfortable’ with me telling my family - but he would never have told me not to tell them. In the event of a problem they offer a huge support to me and that is nothing to do with him.

We are pregnant 🤮

Other than that I would personally wait for a bit, if you find them supportive in general then I would perhaps tell them after the 8 week mark.
I would also let your DH tell his parents separately then you can chat about it with them next time you see them.

You can pay for a private scan from 7 weeks that would at least show if all is OK and the chance of miscarriage if a heartbeat is seen then is very low.

I'd do thst and then let DH tel lthem afterwards, perhaps you could tell your Nan so you've both told someone?

I'm sorry to hear what happened to you Calamity June, when I hear things like this that's the reason it puts me off telling anyone. I couldn't deal with that situation.

Unfortunately I don't find my in laws supportive. They are very different to how my parents were, they are very old fashioned with views - woman should stay at home and man goes out to work, tea on the table when he gets back in etc...

When DH told them he was getting a flat with me to rent she stormed out of the living room and was not happy for some time as we were not engaged. I've never felt close to them even when we got married. DH knows how I feel, I just made a decision a few years ago for my own mental health not to see them that often as they were getting me down. I never stop my DH from seeing his family and I will admit I'm jealous he has such a great relationship with them.

I used to get paranoid about it and think because of my Mum's death that's why I had these feelings towards his parents, but my SIL feels the same as me and thinks they are hard work.

In the area I live I can get a private scan for around £75. I've left a message to the midwife service to arrange a normal first appointment, just waiting for a call back. I think once I see a midwife I'll feel much better. At the moment I'm in a bubble.
We've agreed to wait until the appointment then see how we both feel.

DH agreed that he got carried away when he found out and wanted to tell the world. Many of our couple friends have had miscarriages unfortunately and I read it can happen quite often 1 in 4 women so he understands why I don't want to mention it now as it's so early.

If everything goes well then I would tell his parents first it's just a question of when. I don't feel the need to rush and tell my family as I never hear off them (although I do try really hard) I'm not close to my Nan just see her at family events. Id rather share the news with a close friend or work colleague who I actually see and bother with me.

Nice to see my first ever post on here has pissed some people off for using 'we'
I personally see it as a team effort even if I am doing all the work and carrying his baby

We told both parents at 8 weeks each time but with a serous discussion with dh before that if anything had gone wrong with the baby and we found out at the12 we scan I wanted him to filter his mum. I would hate her endless sympathy, and this is from the other side of the world. We are very different people and while I’d appreciate the genuine caring behind it I simply couldn’t deal with the way she shows it, it’s the opposite of how I’d prefer to handle it. He gets that, I think. It sounds like you should wait a few weeks.
Second child I told work early as I was too ill, so got a private scan at 10 weeks to make sure it looked healthy enough to justify telling work. I think it was only about £40 on groupon or one of those things and they were lovely and the photos great.

I wouldn't tell them just yet. This is a special (and slightly nervous) time for you both as a couple & regardless of how close he is to hisn parents you should cherish it as a couple before letting others in on it.
Very best wishes for a successful & happy pregnancy & for an adorable baby at the end of it

Congratulations!!🌷

I think you’re doing the right thing waiting, in gjad your DH now understands.

I’m very sorry about both your parents, your mum dying when you were just 18 is very sad. I hope you have a good therapist to help you through this because having your own child when your Mum that you were close to has died is very hard & brings up a lot of stuff you need to deal with.

Maybe your pregnancy will give your Dad an incentive to get & stay sober?!

Nice to see my first ever post on here has pissed some people off for using 'we'
I personally see it as a team effort even if I am doing all the work and carrying his baby

Getting pregnant is s team effort!
Being pregnant is not!

Best to say ‘We are having a baby’ if you want to include DH.

Best of luck with your pregnancy 🤰🌷

It's good that your DH is reading the responses. I hope he bears in mind as he does so that you have some issues with his DPs already, as does SIL so nothing irrational going on just with you, & that he could spend a lot of this early stage practising curbing his instincts to share/over share things that belong to you 2 (3) as a couple/family. He must have read some at least of the PIL nightmares & how they can very easily & tragically lead to marriage breakdown. His life is primarily bound to you now & if it isn't then that way lies misery.
Best wishes to you too Mr. ChickenNugget86