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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

When to tell parents we are pregnant...

58 replies

ChickenNugget86 · 24/08/2019 12:39

Hi everyone looking for some advice. I've been a long time reader on mums net but first time poster so here it goes...

Me and DH have found out I'm pregnant. We had been trying for 3 months so feel a bit shocked and still taking it in. I thought we would be TTC a lot longer and would have problems etc... I know it's still early days and things can go wrong so taking each day as it comes.

DH is over the moon and wants to tell his parents where as I would be happy waiting for the scan to make sure everything is OK.

The issue is I don't have my parents, as my mum passed away when I was 18 and I don't have any contact with my alchoholic dad, and I don't have any close family members.

DH sees his parents twice a week and while understanding that its early days and not to tell the world,also feels awkward keeping it a secret until the scan when he sees them that much. This would be their first grandchild so while I hope they will be really pleased, we don't know if grandparents to be expect to be told earlier...

I'm not sure if it's me BU because I don't have my parents so don't know when i'd want to have told my own, but I think we should wait until near the scan at least.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Sunshinegirl82 · 24/08/2019 13:57

We had a private scan at 8/9 weeks and then told parents after that. Obviously there are no guarantees but I felt more comfortable with that.

justasking111 · 24/08/2019 14:02

Told family because the sickness was all day every day so they knew early because I was ducking out of visits. If you feel well then do it in your own time.

Original poster
ChickenNugget86 · 24/08/2019 14:23

From reading the last few replies this is where me and DH are different....

If I was to have a miscarriage or anything go wrong I'd rather his parents didn't know whereas DH would like the support from them. I don't feel close at all to them and can go months without seeing them both. Its not like I see them every week or so.

So I couldn't potentiality be 3 months pregnant and they wouldn't notice as they wouldn't have seen me. When I do see them I always find them very negative. Don't want to start another MIL bashing thread.... But that's how I feel.

As for the GP appointment I have one booked in already for next week (pre existing) when I get back from holiday so was just going to menton it there. But from looking online I can make a midwife appointment at my GP'S surgery.

Thanks again for all the feedback

OP posts:
Original poster
ChickenNugget86 · 24/08/2019 14:24

*could

OP posts:
Choufleur · 24/08/2019 14:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Teachermaths · 24/08/2019 14:28

With your subsequent posts I don't think you should tell them until after the scan at 12 weeks.

Choufleur · 24/08/2019 14:30

Sorry didn’t read properly as I put my phone down and did something else

alphabetti · 24/08/2019 14:32

I am currently 9weeks and we told my mum a few days ago. If things do go wrong she will help with the older kids and she knows not to tell anyone else. I have also told w very close friend of mine when I was 7+2 because we were going out and I wouldn’t be drinking and just couldn’t be bothered making up an excuse. Hopefully everything goes well with scan and after that will tell my partners parents/other family members.

I think tell people when you feel ready but bear in mind you may want someone’s support if things don’t go to plan.

DappledThings · 24/08/2019 14:47

If I was to have a miscarriage or anything go wrong I'd rather his parents didn't know whereas DH would like the support from them

And I think he should be allowed that. When I miscarried my first DH was almost as upset as me and it wouldn't have been fair for me to tell him he couldn't tell the people he wanted to for his own support.

NoSauce · 24/08/2019 15:07

Congratulations OP ( and reading DH )
If anything were to go wrong, you seeing them wouldn’t be an issue as you don’t see them a lot as it is. But your DH would more than likely appreciate the support.

If you don’t want to tell them yet that’s fine too I guess but I don’t see what difference it makes as you hardly see them. I’m sure they’d be over the moon with the news??

Original poster
ChickenNugget86 · 24/08/2019 17:22

That was a good suggestion about the possibility of a private scan maybe. I am quite an anxious person anyway and it doesn't feel real at the moment.

I'm just going off at the moment the day of when my period started which was 24th July. It maybe slightly longer as I came off the mini pill end of May and didn't have a period until then.

I think that's a good point actually NoSauce as I don't see them much, would say in a year its no more than 10 times and that includes birthdays and Christmas.

I do have family but not very close since my Mum's death. I don't really have a mother type figure in my life and feel really sad saying this but not a decent female friend. Most my friends are male. I do have a lovely bunch of work colleagues though who I'm sure would be helpful.

Me and DH are best friends and when we do disagree we always compromise. By posting this and hearing a mixture of responses it's actually helped us even the post saying I shouldn't have said 'we'.

We are going to take each week as it comes and make a decision jointly. Just hope everything goes well.

DH has looked for a dads net type page for him but unfortunately all the ones he's come across are about legal proceedings or being a single dad so not as broad as topics here!

OP posts:
goose1964 · 24/08/2019 17:28

If you see them regularly they may guess. I knew DD was pregnant with her third before she knew for sure as she was going to the loo so often. DDiL told us that she was pregnant after I'd noticed her bump, she is usually so slim that even her tiny bump was visible. But in neither case would I have asked if I'd not been told.

NoSauce · 24/08/2019 17:33

DH can post here if he likes OP, there’s quite a few men on MN.

SirJamesTalbotAndHisSpeculum · 24/08/2019 17:37

Why are you going to the doctor's next week?

If it's for booking you don't need to. Just refer yourself to the midwife - ask the receptionist how to do this.

I would tell your DH's family. Even if you have a miscarriage I think if they're close, your ILs would want to know and would be supportive.

SirJamesTalbotAndHisSpeculum · 24/08/2019 17:39

And congratulations!

CassianAndor · 24/08/2019 22:43

I still think you shouldn’t tell them. Should you miscarry of course he can tell them then, and gain their support, but that’s not a reason to tell them now.

If you are anxious you can go to the early pregnancy unit at your hospital for an early scan, you don’t have to pay for a private scan.

CalamityJune · 24/08/2019 23:03

For my first pregnancy we did a little announcement thing and got them a little Grandchild Due In November gift, then I miscarried a few days later.

We never tell a soul now unless absolutely unavoidable.

Sunshinegirl82 · 25/08/2019 03:41

@CassianAndor it might be different where you are but here the EPU will only scan you early if there is a medical need. I think realistically most people are anxious during the first 12 weeks and so they'd end up scanning everyone!

checkeredredshorts · 25/08/2019 03:55

@CassianAndor

Firstly, please don’t use the phrase ‘we are pregant’, it’s absolutely cringeworthy and also incorrect.

Who do you think you are?? You know exactly what the op means it's a common phrase whether you like the use of it or not.

Congratulations op, i would give it a few weeks and see how you feel then. Just with it being so early.

WhyBirdStop · 25/08/2019 05:08

We found out at ten weeks, similarly conceived very quickly after coming off the pill, first month so unexpected, especially given some known fertility issues on my side and looking unpredictable cycles. We had a private scan the next day as I almost didn't believe it. Then we told parents and brother/SIL, is that a compromise? Wait until nine weeks or so and have a private scan before telling them?

Toneitdown · 25/08/2019 07:20

No early dating scans in the UK?! I would have thought they'd be doing those by now. Here in Australia you get one at around 7 weeks. Catches ectopics early enough that they tend not to do any damage.

Sunshinegirl82 · 25/08/2019 08:36

Currently there are 2 scans on the NHS in a low risk pregnancy at 12 and 20 weeks. I agree that there should be an early one to ensure location of the pregnancy. I also think there needs to be one at 32 weeks to check placenta function.

WombatStewForTea · 25/08/2019 23:13

Yes @Toneitdown. Available from 7 weeks here too and not that expensive

GreigLaidlawsbarofsoap · 25/08/2019 23:38

I told my parents around 9/10 weeks, so before the first scan, as I was visiting and wanted to tell them in person and knew it might be a few weeks before I could visit again due to work. They were totally marvellous about keeping schtum and not telling anyone else in my family.

We told DH parents around 14 weeks after the scan. They live abroad and he has/had a rather difficult relationship with them so we agreed not to say in the early stages. Neither of us would have wanted them involved in the grief of a (potential) miscarriage.

I think if you're not sure, wait until you feel more confident and comfortable. That may be in 2 weeks, it may be 8 weeks, you decide. You are the one who is pregnant, your DH should respect that you BOTH need to feel ok with whoever you decide to tell. One cant if the other isn't happy, it's one of those "can't really compromise, it's a yes/no option only" situations.

Andysbestadventure · 25/08/2019 23:42

4/5 wks means you just missed your period days ago. I really would wait until at least a 7wk viability scan, honestly. There might not even be a 'pregnancy' there.

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