Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DP doesn’t want a second child.?

58 replies

Imjustsolost · 24/08/2019 00:46

Hi.

Just wondering if anyone else has had this experience where the other half said they didn’t want anymore (have one DC together) and have they ever changed their mind further down the line? (Both are in late 20’s / early 30’s) Tia

OP posts:
WhyBirdStop · 24/08/2019 01:00

I'm the one who said they wanted two, now have one and don't want another, love DS to bits, but not a fan of pregnancy/child birth. Luckily DH is very supportive and has come around to the positives of having an only, quite quickly.

WhyBirdStop · 24/08/2019 01:01

I won't be changing my mind, I'm 35 now, there are big things happening at work and I don't want to be pregnant at 40.

Misskg1982 · 24/08/2019 02:52

Currently in this situation. I'm 37 his 38 and we have a DD who is 2. I really want another now but he doesn't. Hasn't done since she was prob 6/7 months old. At the time I put it down to being in the throws of sleepless nights and hoped in time he'd change his mind. He hasn't and doesn't plan on doing so and doesn't want to discuss it anymore. I'm devastated!.
He says he couldn't think of anything worse then going back to the baby stage. I cry most evenings, as sad as that sounds. I hope I move on from this.
Hope your other half changes his mind 🤞🏼

Aquamarine1029 · 24/08/2019 03:13

Any person at any age has the right to decide whether or not to have more children. Or to not have children at all.

edgeofheaven · 24/08/2019 03:25

Not my situation but friends who have been in this situation where one partner doesn't want anymore - they only ended up with another baby due to carelessness with birth control.

MrsTerryPratchett · 24/08/2019 03:29

DD is 8. I wanted a second. We won't have one. TBH I'm fine with it now.

QueenofmyPrinces · 24/08/2019 04:06

After DS1 we agreed we’d only have one (we had our reasons) but by the time he was about 12 months old I started getting quite broody. I bought up the topic if having a second baby but DH was adamant that he didn’t want one. I kept jokingly mentioning it every month (trying to be casual) but he never changed his stance.

After about 12 months of him still not agreeing I dropped my casual approach and talked to him seriously about having a second. I explained how much I wanted one, my reasons why, how I thought it could enrich ours and especially DS1’s life and why it meant so much to me. ended up getting quite upset as I told him that I couldn’t bear the thought of never being pregnant again or having a new born again and he started to see how important it was to me.

Ultimately he told me he would think about it and then a few weeks later he said that ok, we can try for a second. He was almost 34 years old at that point (me too) and he said that his only condition was that if I wasn’t pregnant but the time he was 35 then we stopped TTC as that was his cut-off point regarding being too old to be a new dad.

It took a while for me to get pregnant with Baby number 2 but I did eventually happen before DH hit 35 thankfully and then had a second son.

The boys are 5 and 2 now and the relationship they have is so very special - even my husband will now admit how glad he is that we had a second because he’s bought so much joy into our life and DS1’s life.

About 6-7 months ago I bought up the idea of having a third baby and his response was to get a vasectomy Grin

Why is your DH so adamant about now having a second?

QueenofmyPrinces · 24/08/2019 04:07

About not having a second, that should have said. I hate typos 😂

Sceptre86 · 24/08/2019 07:12

Nothing wrong with him not wanting a second and you may just have to accept it if you want to be with him. Too many women think their opinion on this counts more so because they have to go through the pregnancy and birth but it does affect the partner too. Being in a relationship often involves compromise, you clearly have reasons why you want a second so explain them to your partner and then let him explain why he wouldn't.

Sayhellotothethings · 24/08/2019 07:58

How old is your current child? That is important. It is totally reasonable to say you don't want more when they are a baby, whilst you could possibly change your mind when they are 2 or 3, or older.

Sayhellotothethings · 24/08/2019 08:01

I agree with Sceptre86 on this. We have one DC. Not sure when I might feel ready to think about a second (maybe never, who knows) but if DH said he really didn't want any more, I value being with him and our marriage enough to say ok. I am blessed to have the one we have.

Teacakeandalatte · 24/08/2019 08:17

This comes up a lot now. In the past if you agreed to have children at all then it would be unusual to insist on stopping at one unless for health reasons. I think in future people are going to have to talk about this sort of scenario more. Its a difficult situation with no compromise and if you were to leave over it the child you have would be affected.

Loopytiles · 24/08/2019 08:20

What age is DC1?

Unless DC1 is tiny, in which case might give it a year or two, suggesting respecting their decision and deciding whether or not to remain in the relationship or be a single parent with a chance of having DC2 with a future partner.

EnglishRose13 · 24/08/2019 08:27

We have one. I had an awful pregnancy and traumatic birth so I didn't want any more. My husband has always wanted more than one.

Our son is three now and I'm just considering another. Maybe.

Coldilox · 24/08/2019 08:31

I don’t want another. Always thought we’d have 2. After DS born, neither of us felt the need for another, but over the last year or so (DS just turned 5) DW has said she’d like another. I don’t, at all, which has surprised me. I feel bad because I had DS (biologically dW’s but I carried him) and I feel like I’m depriving her of the chance to be pregnant, but I cannot find it in myself to want a second child. She is fine about it now, we have a very happy family.

Imjustsolost · 24/08/2019 09:27

Thank you very much for your responses!

DS is 7 years old!

He’s just got himself sorted in his career and knows where he wants to go and we’re both still living at home atm!

I did say not right now, in a few years but said he doesn’t think he’ll change his mind, even though till recently he wanted a few 😔

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 24/08/2019 09:32

You dont have your iwn home? Have i read that right? Do you live together with psrents?

He's being sensible!

Imjustsolost · 24/08/2019 09:45

Unfortunately you read that right!

We’re both living separately at moment.

I didn’t mean right now, when we have our own place and settled in, but was told they’re happy with one DC.

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 24/08/2019 09:47

How old will your DC be when that happens?
And presumably he hasn't had to do the sleepless nights/teething/poorly stuff?

ThatUserNamesTakenTryAnother · 24/08/2019 09:49

You don't live at home?

ThatUserNamesTakenTryAnother · 24/08/2019 09:50

Sorry didn't refresh post in time. I wouldn't think about it until you've got your home

ineedaholidaynow · 24/08/2019 09:50

So why don’t you live together at the moment?

Imjustsolost · 24/08/2019 09:51

We both live at home with our parents while we save for a place.

He’ll be 7 still when we do move in!

OP posts:
ineedaholidaynow · 24/08/2019 09:52

Who does DS live with?

Figgygal · 24/08/2019 09:53

That's s big age gap we sometimes struggle with a 5 year gap but I see lots of people doing it

You need to get more settled before thinking about it if you not living together

TBH my dh didn't want a second but saw i did and didn't want ds1 to be an only child it's been hard he was 41 when we had Ds2 he definitely it was harder this time round. Definitely no more for us but we all glad we had a 2nd for ds1 and us