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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP doesn’t want a second child.?

58 replies

Imjustsolost · 24/08/2019 00:46

Hi.

Just wondering if anyone else has had this experience where the other half said they didn’t want anymore (have one DC together) and have they ever changed their mind further down the line? (Both are in late 20’s / early 30’s) Tia

OP posts:
Thymeout · 24/08/2019 10:05

There's a 12 year gap between my brother and me. Lovely for my parents who'd always wanted another but it didn't benefit my life at all. It was useful when my parents were elderly, but I don't think that's worth planning your life around.

I know a 7 yr gap won't be as bad, but it's still too big for your dcs to have a close sibling relationship when they're children. So really you'd be doing it for you, and you alone in this case. I think the broodiness will pass as your life broadens out into other directions and you'll be able to do things you couldn't with a small baby added to the mix.

Sorry, I think it's unlikely your OH will change his mind.

Skittlenommer · 24/08/2019 10:11

Lots of men (and women) are adamant they don’t want a second after realising how much work it is having one! It sounds like his mind is made up.

ineedaholidaynow · 24/08/2019 10:15

I would certainly get used to living together before you even think about having another child. I also assume finances might be tight if you are only just going to be able to leave home.

With an age gap you are likely to have it will be like having 2 only children as you will be having to manage 2 children with very different needs all the time.

Ilikethisone · 24/08/2019 10:56

I have a 7 year age gap.

Its can be very difficult. Trying to find something that entertained a 2 year old and 9 year old made days and trips out difficult. Trying to find a movie that suited both at the cinema or a movie night in. We needed to make sure the older wasnt impacted by not being able to do certain things, because of her younger brother. In these cases just one of us went with her and the other with the younger one.

They are 15 and 8 now and they get on to a certain degree. I would say similar relationship to me and my brother and we were 3 years apart.

It was difficult. But then having 2 close together is difficult for different reasons. So I dont believe that one is better than the other. Neither ensures a good relationship or ensures a poor one. They are hard in different ways.

That said, its quote unusual to not live together whole raising a child. I would see how that goes first, which it sounds like you are

Also, I wont have anymore. I have no intention of doing the baby stage again. No one could convince me other wise.

Hundred of people can tell you they changed their mind or their partner did. Or that they didnt. It's not going to determine wether he will or not.

This isnt a situation you can compromise on. And every situation where the second has been a 'surprise' when one doesnt want any more, ends up in a relationship breakdown in soectatulat fashion.

Nanny0gg · 24/08/2019 11:49

Your partner has had it very easy up till now I would think, so I doubt he wants that to change.

northernknickers · 24/08/2019 11:54

So, you don't yet live together, yet have a 7 year old. This indicates a lack of finances. You're planning to move in together sometime soon-ish...whilst your child will 'still be 7'. You'll need time to regroup as a family and to get your finances back in order (the move will have depleted what you have saved). Then you'll need time to conceive and carry the baby...we are talking another 2 years minimum here until a new baby 'possibly' arrives. A 9 year age gap...that's going to cause all kinds of tricky negotiations in the future, as a PP has already pointed out. Holidays to fit everyones needs, family days, even choices of movies/TV that you all want to watch.

It wouldn't be my choice 🤦‍♀️

Teddybear45 · 24/08/2019 12:01

What is the reason he gave for not wanting more? Would he want another child if you guys sort yourselves out financially / get a house etc? If so then great. If not then you need to decide if your need for another child is bigger than your need to be in this relationship.

ChatWithMe · 24/08/2019 12:38

Did you not agree on how many when you first got together? My husband and I agreed on two from the start so I said it's a deal breaker if we don't give it our all to have another. If we physically can't than I'll live with not having number two but it will be sad. Do you feel like it's something you need to achieve or at least aim for to be happy? When my sister's husband didn't want kids she kept pressing him and now they have 3 so some people change their minds. However, some stick to their guns. If it were the case that he won't budge than you decide if you want to stay with him or find someone who is interested in having a child with you. Of course it's not so simple and I'm sure people would disagree with me cause it's good for couples to stay together for the sake of their actual children. Anyhow, just food for thought x

Skittlenommer · 24/08/2019 14:42

Did you not agree on how many when you first got together?

They probably did but often when the first child is born people realise that parenting is massively overrated and exhausting and dread the though of having another.

ChatWithMe · 24/08/2019 15:21

Yeah that I can understand Skittlenommer. I guess if there was an agreement and one party changes their mind the other has a big decision to make. Not easy for anyone involved. Nor is join parenting always an easy affair! Anyhow that's a bit off topic...

Aprillygirl · 24/08/2019 16:49

Your DP has not even had the experience of living with the child he does have yet, so having another child with him would not be on my radar anytime soon. What if he's gotten too comfortable and decides he doesn't like living as a family unit?

Original poster
Imjustsolost · 24/08/2019 20:55

He’s gotten far in his career and is going further and wants to spoil the one DC we have. Wants to be able to travel as when our DC is 18 we’ll only be 40ish by then. I do understand the living situation and that’s why we haven’t had anymore. I don’t want another right now I guess it’s just having hope that one day we Might have! Thank you for your replies! We’ve always wanted more than one but in last week he’s said it to me 😔

OP posts:
Original poster
Imjustsolost · 24/08/2019 20:56

I’m the same conversation he also said well ‘accidents’ also happen 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

OP posts:
Loopytiles · 24/08/2019 21:33

How much parenting does your DP do?

Verily1 · 24/08/2019 21:48

So you had dc together when you were c. 22, stayed a couple but you both live with your parents, now at c. 29 with a 7yo you want dc2 when you imminently cohabit and dp doesn’t?

Well that’s the first time I’ve heard that scenario on MN!

Does dp’s DM still do his laundry?

Original poster
Imjustsolost · 24/08/2019 21:53

No not immediately, 2-3 years after we settle down to living together.

And no he does everything for himself and always has done!

He’s very hands on and sees him most days of the week. He’d spend maybe 3 nights per week with him!

OP posts:
TheTrollFairy · 24/08/2019 21:55

Have you ever lived together in the time your DC was born and now?

I’m in this situation but I think we will have another because his reasons are relating to the first 3 months of having our DD (it was a series of unfortunate events)

Original poster
Imjustsolost · 24/08/2019 22:01

No unfortunately we haven’t apart from weekends together and holidays!

We’ve had a bad patch and split up recently and are working through it now.

Both started counseling so I’m hoping in time his thinking will change!

Especially as our son loves being around other children and is always asking when can he have a baby brother or sister 🙈

I just want to do it all again when we’re properly together in our own family home.

He was amazing on our first through the pregnancy and after and we have fantastic family support on both sides!

It’s just finding accommodation at the moment 😟

OP posts:
Verily1 · 24/08/2019 22:32

So does ds just get flayed between his grandparents’ houses? Do you live very close by?

At 7 he’s going to realise his situation is very different from his peers!

ememem84 · 24/08/2019 22:46

After having ds I was adamant I didn’t want any more. Dh wanted another. I told him I wasn’t ready and would think about it.

I was on the pill. Despite me taking it religiously it failed. And because we weren’t taking any other precautions Dd arrived three weeks ago.

It took me a while to get my head around it all. But I’m happy she’s here. And the age gap is manageable (22 months).

Absolutely no more though.

WhyBirdStop · 24/08/2019 23:22

So you've never lived together despite being together for at least eight years (or just under), you broke up recently, you're in counselling to save the relationship, your partner doesn't want one, but you think another child is the right move?! Really?

Nanny0gg · 25/08/2019 10:18

Not meaning to be horrible, but all of this is a bit of a fantasy really, isn't it?

You've never lived together, you obviously had your DC quite young (not planned I assume) and in 7 years you've never managed to get a place together.
You're having counselling now because of a 'bad patch'.

You need to take much smaller steps and look towards tomorrow, not next week/month/year.

Don't even think about more children until you're properly together in your own home and actually used to living as a family.

thethoughtfox · 25/08/2019 10:39

I mean this gently, but you aren't in any position to have another child just now.

Loopytiles · 25/08/2019 10:43

He “sees” his DC, but how much actual, nitty gritty parenting does he do, and how much time each week does he spend in sole charge of his DC? Am betting not much.

You are clearly not in a good position to have DC2.

Loopytiles · 25/08/2019 10:46

DC asking for a sibling is standard and doesn’t mean they would like the reality of having one!