Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Am I being unreasonable about religion?

58 replies

bellainthemiddle · 23/08/2019 19:55

My sister just had a massive go at me on the phone because my DP and I are not going to have DD christened. To put this in context, my family are Italian RC (I would say culturally RC rather than deeply religious!) and DP's family go to a Baptist church. Neither of us are at all religious, although I would say that I'm a wondering agnostic rather than an out-and-out atheist. As far as both of us are concerned, it would be strange for DD to be christened by our choice. If she (or any future DC) wish to go to church later, I would personally be fine with that - but I would want it to be her choice.

My sister had a massive go at me, basically saying that I was a bad person because I don't go to church, that we are limiting DD's educational choices as she won't be able to go to an RC school (I'm not sure that all RC schools require the family to be practising Catholics in our area... and if they did, I don't think I'd want her to go there!), and finally that DP and I should get married because we are currently living in sin.

I was really annoyed and I told her I didn't want to speak to her again until she backs off about it. I just don't really think it is nice to criticise other people's religious / non-religious choices. I don't criticise her choices, so I don't understand why she thinks that she has the right to dictate to me? Or AIBU?

OP posts:

FuzzyPuffling · 23/08/2019 19:56

YANBU. Each to their own, and neither "side" should get themselves in a pickle about it.

53rdWay · 23/08/2019 19:58

YANBU obviously. Has your sister recently rediscovered religion and gone a bit OTT with it or something?

MNersAreBatshit · 23/08/2019 19:58

YABU for not criticising her religious choices/views.

Otherwise YANBU

Hadjab · 23/08/2019 19:59

She’s probably right about the schooling, but if you don’t believe, you don’t believe, it would be hypocritical to go through the motions just to appease others.

stucknoue · 23/08/2019 19:59

She's being unreasonable but be gentle with her because she really believes that you are doing sinful things, just brush it off rather than get angry. Dd1 chose to be baptised at 11, dd2 hasn't been but both chose to be choristers. I don't think parents should choose their children's religion, leave it for young people to decide themselves (this includes religious that remove body parts!)

Aquamarine1029 · 23/08/2019 20:00

I'd tell her to sod off. How you raise your children and how you feel about religion is none of her business. She sounds like a nightmare.

RangerLady · 23/08/2019 20:00

Totally not unreasonable on your part. It is your life and your child. You should bring her up in whatever religion or none as you see fit. You would be a hypocrite otherwise, your sister is being ridiculous.

lazylinguist · 23/08/2019 20:00

YANBU obviously. Your sister is a ridiculous arse.

minibroncs · 23/08/2019 20:01

I agree with you. Some religious people believe their religion gives them the right to judge others and try to control them.

She's not a very good Christian if she's passing judgement and being nasty, so she should probably focus on her own sins.

I won't accept this kind of behaviour from people. I don't think anyone should feel they have to.

Drum2018 · 23/08/2019 20:02

YANBU. You did right to tell her to back off. Nobody gets to dictate whether or not you christen your baby. It's simply none of her business.

dollydaydream114 · 23/08/2019 20:03

Obviously YANBU and it’s none of your sister’s business.

Original poster

bellainthemiddle · 23/08/2019 20:05

She has for the last few years been quite, let's say, devout. I agree that it would be hypocritical if we raised DD Catholic purely to have more school choice. Yeah, there are lots of very good RC schools in West London where we live, but I'd feel like a total fraud if I got my kids through the door by pretending to be religious!

I'm trying not to be too irritated (since I think she actually means well), but it is difficult!!

OP posts:

Original poster

bellainthemiddle · 23/08/2019 20:06

@minibroncs I totally agree with your POV!

OP posts:

ConorMcGregorsChin · 23/08/2019 20:10

I was baptised in a Methodist church (only church in our village at the time)
At no point did I practice that religion.
I did A Level religious studies and was fascinated by the various religions.
But it still didn't make me want to choose any sort of religion.
I got married on a beach. My Grandma (C of E) begged me to have a church service. I didn't.
It ended up making me rather anti religion. My sister in law had all her 3 kids christened in a Catholic church. Long services. Made me feel uncomfortable. So when she wanted me to attend their first Holy Communion, I politely refused. I was called all sorts of names. I simply said 'please respect my choices and I will respect yours'
People shoving their own beliefs down others throats or judging others for their choices really pisses me off.

ErrolTheDragon · 23/08/2019 20:10

YANBU.

It's none of her business.

And, it's actually massively disrespectful for people who don't really believe it to mouth the words at a baptism.

And your DHs background has the somewhat more rational adult baptism - if your DC ends up being a Christian that's their choice.

And... plenty of bad people in churches, leading them too.

AE18 · 23/08/2019 20:11

I don't think it can really be "meaning well" if you see your loved one in a happy relationship as "living in sin".

It might come from a religious place but not a pleasant one, she has been very rude and judgmental.

CassianAndor · 23/08/2019 20:12

It’s not about religion, it’s about her as an individual imposing her views on you.

My mum was a pretty devout RC and she would no more dream of saying anything like that than fly in the air.

BoringUserName00 · 23/08/2019 20:12

If she (or any future DC) wish to go to church later, I would personally be fine with that - but I would want it to be her choice

If they don't go to church as children, then it is unlikely they will wish to go to church later. It's your decision though. Nothing to do with your sister

Soubriquet · 23/08/2019 20:21

Yanbu

I originally wanted my two christened as it was just something that was done. Everyone I knew had done it, and I was christened even though I’m not religious.

However my dh pointed out it would be pointless and I haven’t done it.

They still both attend a faith school

Original poster

bellainthemiddle · 23/08/2019 20:21

Thank you for the replies, it's reassuring to feel that I'm not being totally weird about this!

OP posts:

TeacupDrama · 23/08/2019 20:23

You could use your DP's Baptist background his side of the family would not agree with baptising children as they believe you should only be baptised on profession of faith, it is very rare for Baptist's to baptise anyone under the age of 12 or they are fairly sure they are not doing it to please parents at our church it is 13 minimum but most are 18+

Ask SIL why she thinks her side of the child's family traditions are more important and trump the other side of the families traditions, because in reality they really don't, it is up to you as parents to decided

I do not think any statistics show that children of Baptist's are more likely to leave faith than children of Catholics very few Baptist's would send their child to a Catholic school they may send to CofE but they won't make the baptism criteria but might make attendance criteria

NabooThatsWho · 23/08/2019 20:26

If they don't go to church as children, then it is unlikely they will wish to go to church later.

Yeah, it’s much easier to brainwash innocent children than adults who can think for themselves.

Original poster

bellainthemiddle · 23/08/2019 20:27

If DD were to go to a faith school, I'd prefer it to be an RC school (simply based upon the fact that it's what I know in terms of "religious culture" and I went to RC schools). Perhaps that makes me hypocritical? But I also would be perfectly happy for her to go to a non-faith school! And I suspect that DP would lean in favour of a non-faith school.

Interestingly, my grandmother, who is really quite a devout Catholic (although she went on strike from church as she didn't like Pope Benedict), absolutely loves DP and has no issue whatsoever with our relationship / lack of marriage / etc.

OP posts:

NannyR · 23/08/2019 20:28

As a Christian I have real respect for people who choose not to baptize babies, but allow their children to make their own choice about baptism.

Original poster

bellainthemiddle · 23/08/2019 20:36

@NannyR, that's a really nice thing to say! :)

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 3

Swipe left for the next trending thread