Am I being unreasonable about religion?

[bellainthemiddle]

My sister just had a massive go at me on the phone because my DP and I are not going to have DD christened. To put this in context, my family are Italian RC (I would say culturally RC rather than deeply religious!) and DP's family go to a Baptist church. Neither of us are at all religious, although I would say that I'm a wondering agnostic rather than an out-and-out atheist. As far as both of us are concerned, it would be strange for DD to be christened by our choice. If she (or any future DC) wish to go to church later, I would personally be fine with that - but I would want it to be her choice.

My sister had a massive go at me, basically saying that I was a bad person because I don't go to church, that we are limiting DD's educational choices as she won't be able to go to an RC school (I'm not sure that all RC schools require the family to be practising Catholics in our area... and if they did, I don't think I'd want her to go there!), and finally that DP and I should get married because we are currently living in sin.

I was really annoyed and I told her I didn't want to speak to her again until she backs off about it. I just don't really think it is nice to criticise other people's religious / non-religious choices. I don't criticise her choices, so I don't understand why she thinks that she has the right to dictate to me? Or AIBU?

YABU
Only because of the school place issue.
If you don't believe, you don't believe.
But getting your children christened will give you more options when it comes to school places.

Yanbu.

My family grew up Baptist, my husband Roman Catholic. He was christened as a baby, was an altar boy for years and went to a Catholic school. I wasn’t baptised and went to church periodically more because it was an excuse to dress up in pretty dresses and see my relatives. Ffwrd and neither my husband and I are religious or go to church unless necessary (christenings, weddings, etc..). Before we had our first child, we talked about it and we decided no. I told him that I felt really uncomfortable with the whole thing and that it didn’t make sense to me to christen our baby when we aren’t religious or to get into a good “Catholic” school and that I wanted them to make their own decisions like I was allowed to. When asked about it after our first we said no. Most seemed ok with it except for MIL. I didn’t find this out until after we had our second and she was asking were we going to have him baptised then. My husband again told her no and to drop it. Whether she has or not, I haven’t asked nor do I care. She chose religion later in her life so I don’t understand why she thinks we should take away the choice from our own children.

Ignore SIL, not her child, not her choice, not her business.

I do admit though that I wish there were non-religious schools available.

We live in Hammersmith/Shepherd's Bush and there are sooo many Catholic schools. But as far as I'm aware, there's only one where you absolutely have to be RC, early baptism etc. to get a place. And it's the most over subscribed school in the area and I doubt DD would get a place there anyway because we're too far away. And as a matter of fact, I'd be a bit uncomfortable for her to attend such an actively, practising RC school. DP and I have talked about schools a fair bit, and we'd both be happy either with a non-religious school or an RC school with a nice ethos but not too much religious stuff, etc.

Anyway, the child in question is 11 weeks old at the moment, so plenty of time to consider all this!!

Although, I agree with a PP that if your children never go to church (or other religious place) they won't be religious. You are effectively choosing to not be religious for them. If you genuinely mean what you say about it being "their choice" then it would be most sensible for them to occasionally go to church with their grandparents when they visit - ideally both sets, then they can see two denominations.

What absolute bollocks. How can you possibly suggest that not having a child christened is somehow making the decision for them? Why do you think they will not be able to make the decision once they hit adulthood? The child will receive religious education at school - he or she can make their mind up as an adult.

If there is only one true God, he won’t object to people waiting to adulthood to publicly confirm their commitment to him.

YABU Only because of the school place issue. If you don't believe, you don't believe. But getting your children christened will give you more options when it comes to school places.

If you have to put up with religious indoctrination to get your child into a particular school, it isn’t a good school.

Im Catholic, send dc to Catholic school. Can't see its a good idea to make a pretence at faith for schooling purposes. Personally I understand why your dsis is worried for your dc, but shes gone the wrong way about it. My own view on christening: it can't hurt, it might help.

In any case she needs to worry more about herself and less about other people. Seems shed be better off modelling good Christian behaviour rather than being judgemental.

Of course your sister is being ridiculous and rude. As someone who is also culturally RC (and it's a very strong culture) I can completely understand your situation. Don't get married or baptise your kids for the wrong reasons. However, Do consider taking your children to church occasionally both RC and Baptist so that they don't feel uncomfortable at family celebrations. It doesn't matter whether they believe or not but it's nice to feel as though you belong. And be aware that many Catholic schools in West London do require that children are baptised before 6 months and a lot of the local churches do registers at Mass so that the priest can be sure you are practising when they have to sign the bit of paper to say they know you for school admissions. It may not say that on the school's website but it does often bump you up the list. They all set different admission criteria though, so you need to do a bit of digging. However you have said you'd be happy with a community school so I wouldn't worry. I just wanted you to have the facts.

Thank you @reversiblesequinsforadults (amazing username, btw!) that's really helpful. At some point I will do some proper digging so that I'm armed with all the right info :)