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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being unreasonable about religion?

58 replies

bellainthemiddle · 23/08/2019 19:55

My sister just had a massive go at me on the phone because my DP and I are not going to have DD christened. To put this in context, my family are Italian RC (I would say culturally RC rather than deeply religious!) and DP's family go to a Baptist church. Neither of us are at all religious, although I would say that I'm a wondering agnostic rather than an out-and-out atheist. As far as both of us are concerned, it would be strange for DD to be christened by our choice. If she (or any future DC) wish to go to church later, I would personally be fine with that - but I would want it to be her choice.

My sister had a massive go at me, basically saying that I was a bad person because I don't go to church, that we are limiting DD's educational choices as she won't be able to go to an RC school (I'm not sure that all RC schools require the family to be practising Catholics in our area... and if they did, I don't think I'd want her to go there!), and finally that DP and I should get married because we are currently living in sin.

I was really annoyed and I told her I didn't want to speak to her again until she backs off about it. I just don't really think it is nice to criticise other people's religious / non-religious choices. I don't criticise her choices, so I don't understand why she thinks that she has the right to dictate to me? Or AIBU?

OP posts:
SchrodingersUnicorn · 23/08/2019 20:44

@NannyR completely agree!

Although, I agree with a PP that if your children never go to church (or other religious place) they won't be religious. You are effectively choosing to not be religious for them. If you genuinely mean what you say about it being "their choice" then it would be most sensible for them to occasionally go to church with their grandparents when they visit - ideally both sets, then they can see two denominations.

sewinginscotland · 23/08/2019 21:01

Religion is always a tricky subject. I had a civil wedding ceremony and am not getting DS Christened, even though DM would love me to. If he wants to get baptised when he's older, I will fully support his choice - because it will be his choice. As far as I'm aware, Christening a baby is like a promise you'll raise them to be a Christian, which you admit you're not. So I admire you for that.

Schooling is tricky, I do believe that some people do go to church solely to secure their child a place at the local religious school. If there are other good schools in your area, then you don't need to worry about it (I would definitely prefer my DS to go to a non religious school).

I am definitely an athetist, but respect other people's right to believe what they want. So long as they return the favour to me.

newstart1337 · 23/08/2019 21:02

YANBU, as an agnostic atheist why would you baptise your child?

Very selfish of a family member to try and 'force' you to bring your DD up with their beliefs rather than your own. Just raise them to be a good person and you will be a far better parent than your sister.

If your sister ever raises it again just tell her you forgive her.

minibroncs · 23/08/2019 21:56

If you genuinely mean what you say about it being "their choice" then it would be most sensible for them to occasionally go to church with their grandparents when they visit - ideally both sets, then they can see two denominations.

Why church? Surely you mean introduce them to all the mainstream religions and take them to church, mosque, temple, etc if we're talking about enabling children to form their own beliefs not just be indoctrinated with either of their parents'?

themueslicamel · 23/08/2019 21:57

YANBU, tell her to fuck right off and take her fairy stories with her.

RedSheep73 · 23/08/2019 22:00

Yanbu. Your child, your choice. At least you won't get pressure to christen from your partner's family! Best to nip it in the bud now though if you give an inch it'll ve worse when the next issue comes up.

TooTrueToBeGood · 23/08/2019 22:08

The problem with religion is when people see it as license to tell other people how to live their lives, rather than quietly using it as a guide to how they live their own.

CassianAndor · 23/08/2019 22:09

Some of the most devout people I know don’t get their DC christened, they are dedicated and then can be christened when they are older if they so choose.

A word about catholic schools - some have very strict entrance criteria, ie you have to have had your child baptized within 6 months of birth. So check that out.

1Morewineplease · 23/08/2019 22:11

O!!!

1Morewineplease · 23/08/2019 22:12

I meant „No!!!”

1Morewineplease · 23/08/2019 22:17

Do What feels right for you and your immediate family. My own darling mother ( Roman Catholic) could barely speak to me as my dp and I had refused to christen our children. Had years of resentfulness and guilt ... my kids are now both well rounded, doing well and in their 20s.

DuckonaBike · 23/08/2019 22:21

What Schrodinger said.

It might be nice for them to learn about religion from their grandparents so that they can make a more informed choice, but that has nothing to do with whether they are christened.

Original poster
bellainthemiddle · 23/08/2019 22:45

I would be totally happy for my DD (and any future DC) to follow any religion they choose, when they're old enough to make that decision. Well, within reason - I might take issue if she decided to join the Westboro Baptist Church or something. And I'm sure that when she's old enough, DP's parents would like to take her to a few of their services and things (my family are much further away and tend to only go to Mass for Christmas and Easter and so on anyway - but again, if we were visiting then, I would probably go and I think it would be nice for DD to experience it too).

I basically just resent being told that I'm living a sinful life because I'm not religious. I understand that she genuinely worries that my soul is damned (not being flippant!) but the way I see it, if you live a good life and do your best for others, respecting their beliefs and feelings, then that is the most important thing. But my sister and I (and my other sisters) have rehearsed this argument so many times that there isn't really anything more to add to it!

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Original poster
bellainthemiddle · 23/08/2019 22:53

Although I do think that using my 11 week old, prematurely born daughter as a tool in the argument is a bit much.

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LaBelleSauvage · 23/08/2019 22:58

YANBU. Let your DD make her own mind up about religion when she is older. Your sister is being a prat

katseyes7 · 23/08/2019 23:02

NabooThatsWho This is exactly what my OH says. He was brought up RC by lrish Catholic parents (well - his mother is very religious, his dad not so much). He hates it. He says it's brainwashing children and l'm inclined to agree. lf we'd had little ones of our own (we lost two) no way would l have put up with anyone telling me how to live my life or bring up my children.
lf his sister (l don't have any siblings) had tried to tell us to do what the OP's saying her sister is doing (which would never happen in a million years with my SIL) she'd have been put straight in no uncertain terms. How dare she tell someone they're 'living in sin'? Even my very devout MIL wouldn't dream of doing that. lt's beyond arrogant and totally inappropriate.

TooManyPaws · 23/08/2019 23:07

Does she fear that you are subjecting your child to the possibility of Limbo or is it more a worry of being seen to do things Properly?

altogirl · 23/08/2019 23:07

As far as schools go, I'm Catholic but my children are not and they still went to Catholic school and got the tuition discount. I'm not an active Catholic either. This is in the states, though. Not sure what it's like in the UK.

Original poster
bellainthemiddle · 23/08/2019 23:07

@katseyes7, those are exactly the words she used too ("living in sin"), I don't joke! & Sorry for your losses :hug:

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Original poster
bellainthemiddle · 23/08/2019 23:08

@TooManyPaws I think the first.

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katseyes7 · 23/08/2019 23:09

NannyR You're the kind of Christian l love. My cousin (who is like a sister to me) has a very similar attitude to you, and l love her for it. She's a practising Christian and a Sunday school teacher. When l told her that we'd had a pagan handfasting (we didn't invite anyone, just went off and did it) she didn't judge, she was just so happy for us. Her faith is very important to her, and l'm very glad for her, she's had some tough times and it's a huge comfort to her. Thank you so much for your tolerance and understanding. You're a 'real' Christian in the true sense.

katseyes7 · 23/08/2019 23:13

bellainthemiddle Thank you so much for that. "Living in sin" is a ludicrous expression. lt's only sin if you believe it is, and if you do, you wouldn't do it. How you choose to live your lives is entirely up to you and quite frankly, bugger all to do with her. lt's entirely her problem, not yours.

Rachelover40 · 23/08/2019 23:20

bellainthemiddle, there's nothing bad about your decision. Leave it to your child to make up their own mind about religion and faith when they are old enough. Just be sure not to try and influence them one way or the other too much, discuss all points of view.

AliMonkey · 23/08/2019 23:27

I am with NannyR. I am also a Christian and have more respect for friends who have made deliberate decision not to take part in a religious ceremony they don’t believe in than those who are openly atheist or agnostic but got married in church or had their child christened. Their professions to love God or bring their child up in the faith make me doubt whether they mean the rest of their promises.

DH isn’t a Christian so we deliberately had our DC dedicated so that DH could make genuine promises (eg to bring them up to learn about God, as we had agreed we would) rather than professing in the baptism service that he believed in God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit, which he doesn’t.

Original poster
bellainthemiddle · 24/08/2019 12:45

Thx for sharing ideas and perspectives - really helpful, thank you! :)

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