To mention wanking again

[Psy2]

After seeing the previous thread in a bit dubious but here goes and I've name changed in fear of flaming

My DH asked me to order him some coils for his vape. He had gone to bed and I couldn't find the website he usually has them from type etc. So I went on his phone in the history to find it and I noticed he has been watching a lot of porn. Now I know all men wank but what I am upset about is that he hasn't been interested in having sex with me for months. I put it down to that he was tired so haven't challenged it but clearly from his history he is horny!! I'm really hurt to be honest that he would rather wank to porn than have sex with me.

Just to mention neither of us are secretive about our phones and don't have passwords

You have to talk to him.

It could be something personal between the two of you or it could be that he's having lazy easy relief when it suits him and hasn't thought about how that'd affect you. That's not an excuse, he needs to put effort in, but it could be why.

Can you be open with him?

That's a massive red flag! He's prefer to wank than have sex with his partner.

As bad as it sounds maybe he doesn't fancy you as much anymore. Have you asked him why he doesn't want sex or is it one of those things you've both just left?

He's watching it virtually everyday

We haven't really mentioned it. I'm tired too so don't feel like it a lot but we are lucky if we have sex once a month

I'm tired too so don't feel like it a lot but we are lucky if we have sex once a month

Unfortunately this is the problem. If you aren't talking about it, and you are too tired to initiate or it's clear you're too tired to react when he initiates then you can't really expect it to happen. He's not pressuring you or making you feel bad, just attending to his own needs discreetly.

You don't think he accidentally on purpose left the history like that for you to view and then YOU initiate sex?
Maybe he's not avoiding it, maybe he's just forgotten/got nervous/wants you to make the first move and is dropping hints in a weird way?

What was your sex life like before?
If he used to ask for sex and kept being rejected he simply might not want to ask you or know when your in the mood for it,
So just has a wank instead.
Just let him know when your feeling horny I'm sure things will pick up :)

I think maybe he thinks you don't want it so he's been taking care of himself.

Unless he's rebuffing you when you initiate it?

Our sex life was great pre kids. I'm usually horny weekends in the morning or afternoon but when I've initiated it at this time he doesnt react

Yeah that doesn't sound right :(
What does he say/do when hes not interested?

Oh. I think you need to talk to him about it tbh, from a non-judgemental place.

Maybe start with, 'I've noticed that you don't seem to be in the mood for sex lately' and see what he says.

From a male pov I can understand. A wank is quick, easy, instant relief. He will be horny and want to have sex with you, but it's been a while and you've got into a routine that feels comfortable and you don't seem that bothered, and when you do initiate anything it's at the wrong time for him etc etc
I think you should just bring up the subject of sex without getting angry or letting on that you know about the porn. Maybe say "We really need to make more of an effort. Do you remember when we [insert sexy time from past here]? Let's do that again".

Talk to him.

Everyone knows about incognito mode, he's chosen not to use it. He has no password on his phone. He wanted you to see.

Not all men 'wank' I can assure you, op.

I had this a few weeks ago. In the past I've never been too bothered about porn, but as I'm getting older (and look less like the women in the videoes, more GILF than MILF) I feel that it's getting in the way.

Sex was infrequent, and I think it must be harder to be aroused by a 'real life' women with wrinkles and saggy bits, when you're prepped to get your release from younger, fitter viewing.

Anyway, we discussed it after a porn site was the first to come up on his phone browser (I'd asked to see his phone, because I had put our infrequent sex down to an affair), and he's seen it from my POV, and has agreed not to use it again.

I feel a lot happier now that he knows how it was affecting my self esteem, and I wasn't just being prudish. Could you talk to him about it?

This is a bit of a long shot but worth mentioning I think. You don't mention his age but many men experience low testosterone in their late 30's to mid 40's. This happened to my DH. They're aware that their libido is low and may look at porn to see if there's anyway to get aroused again. This may be a helpful read:

my.clevelandclinic.org/health/transcripts/3846_hypogonadism-in-the-aging-male

If he's experiencing other symptoms (mild depression, for example) he should get his hormone levels checked.

Lora8, He may be addicted to porn, in which case ignore my post.

My post may have come across as shallow, but that's partly the point. Wanking to porn on a phone is a pretty shallow act. I don't think the OP was interested in the pros and cons of the porn industry.

I was just making a suggestion for a way to help get their sex life back on track so they can both enjoy sex with real flesh and blood people.

^@Gilles27

Ok I get you

Are you 27 btw?^

No. Nearer to double that!

MoaningMinnie1 - I'm assuming you're male, or you wouldn't be able to say this with certainty. And I imagine there are lots of men who say that they don't (to their partners), because they thinks it's somehow morally wrong!
There's nothing wrong with wanking - it's perfectly natural. What is becoming a problem though, is the number of men who find it difficult to get aroused without porn, as it's impacting relationships.