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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH and his new band. AIBU?

74 replies

Nuckyscarnation · 23/08/2019 13:29

Because I’m currently biting my tongue trying to work out if I have a legitimate grievance or not.

DH recently placed an advert online looking for musicians. Somebody responded and DH has now been away a day a week for the last three weeks jamming with his new friends.

I want DH to have friends/fun. However my issue is that we have year old twins and I haven’t had nine hours in a day to please myself since they were born. Also it costs him close on £20 per trip on train fares and we are on a low income.

Would I be unreasonable to raise an objection with him? I don’t mind him going say once a fortnight, but I think once a week is a bit much? Or is it totally fine and am I being unfair?

I think I’m just frustrated because when it comes to him finding a better job etc he totally drags his feet and says he can’t do it without my helpConfused Yet he’s got the time and inclination to find these other guys to play music with. Again though, am I being mean thinking that way? He’s quite good at making out I’m being unreasonable so it’s hard to know what to think!

Opinions pleaseSmile

OP posts:
Thiswayorthatway · 23/08/2019 13:49

If he gets a day to himself a week then so should you.

DogWorried · 23/08/2019 13:51

So he doesn't work?

Thehop · 23/08/2019 13:52

Unfair at the moment definitely!!

AryaStarkWolf · 23/08/2019 13:54

So he doesn't work?

well she said he isn't looking for a better job so I presume he does and this is one of his days off?

Original poster
Nuckyscarnation · 23/08/2019 13:56

@DogWorried yes he works. At the moment he’s only doing 30 hours a week though which is a source of conflict!

@Thiswayorthatway I struggle too with the babies. I can get an afternoon a week but anything more is difficult. Then half the time I spent it doing housework! Although this week I’m seeing friends two afternoons so I’m trying to improve on that.

OP posts:
CuriousaboutSamphire · 23/08/2019 14:03

Talk to him... tell him that you too want a day away from him, the kids, all family responsibilities. That you will arrange something for a day he can be at home, and he will HAVE to be at home, all day, every week wothout fail... for the forseeable future, just a you are when he absconds.

Then ask him to nominate another, a 3rd, day of the week when you can all have some family leisure time, every week, doing things together that the twins will enjoy. Every week, without fail.. a family day, for the forseeable future.

His response will tell you a lot about how you both see your lives, the differences in expectations. You may not like it, but at least you will know where you stand and can then make decisions that are best for you and the kids.

Good luck.

Original poster
Nuckyscarnation · 23/08/2019 17:34

@CuriousaboutSamphire that’s a really good suggestionSmile

I’m not 100% confident leaving him alone with the babies all day. He’s never had them alone for more than a few hours. That’s my main worry.

OP posts:
Brefugee · 23/08/2019 17:40

why do you spend your "time off" doing housework?

CuriousaboutSamphire · 23/08/2019 17:43

That's the point, @Nuckyscarnation

You know he currently cannot, he knows he cannot BUT his reaction to being asked for an equitable arrangement will be illuminating, hopefully for him as well as for you.

maslinpan · 23/08/2019 17:44

Leave him with both his babies for longer, and then a) you will see that he can cope just as well as you, and b) he may have a better appreciation of why you need some time to yourself.

Original poster
Nuckyscarnation · 23/08/2019 17:45

Because the housework needs doing @Brefugee I don’t get much of a chance when I’m looking after two babies!

OP posts:
AtrociousCircumstance · 23/08/2019 17:45

He can’t look after his own kids for a day?

Jesus Christ.

I cringed for you with regards to him jamming with his pals.

Brefugee · 23/08/2019 17:47

I get that, @Nuckyscarnation - but if he's only working 30 hours a week then he can do it too.
Or all of it. in return for his band-time

Bloodycats · 23/08/2019 17:50

The only way he’ll learn to look after his kids is the same way you did..by getting on and doing it.
You don’t need to ask for time out. Did he ask or did he just take it?

Find something you want to do and go and do it.

Scotlass123 · 23/08/2019 17:53

Is it that he can’t look after the twins or you don’t like him to because he’ll do it ‘wrong’

Original poster
Nuckyscarnation · 23/08/2019 18:24

@Bloodycats he just told me he was going to meet them.

I have a hobby. A horse. I’ve ridden twice since I got pregnant.

@Scotlass123 There’s definitely an element of I don’t always like how he parents. He says I’m too controlling!

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 23/08/2019 18:27

Do you work, OP?

Original poster
Nuckyscarnation · 23/08/2019 18:29

Not presently @NoSquirrels We relocated while I was pregnant so I had to leave my job.

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 23/08/2019 18:33

Then money must be really tight if he’s the sole earner and on less than 35-40 hours?

Tbh, he sounds like your typical muso man-child. Sorry.

He needs to get his responsibilities in order of priority. If his one-year-old twins aren’t right at the ducking top, informing every other decision he makes, then he needs a reality check fast.

If I were you I’d start to look aggressively for jobs...

RunawayLove · 23/08/2019 18:35

Just ask him "so when do I get my whole day a week to myself?" if he'd a decent bloke he should get the very obvious hint.

Original poster
Nuckyscarnation · 23/08/2019 18:42

@NoSquirrels Money is tight! We get a bit of UC due to his low wage and we have no car, loans etc, so outgoings are fairly low.

Unfortunately we live in an area where decent jobs are few and far between. My own earning power is pretty rubbish as well at the momentSad I’m starting a qualification I need this year and hoping to do a masters once that’s done.

OP posts:
Original poster
Nuckyscarnation · 23/08/2019 18:43

@RunawayLove I’m going to ask him tonight once babies are in bed. He’s just text saying he’s on the train, so I doubt he’ll even be back until after 8pm.

OP posts:
Ginger1982 · 23/08/2019 18:45

I think it's odd that he hasn't been alone with his own kids very much. You need to loosen the strings a bit otherwise it just ends up as a vicious circle. Pick a day, tell him you are going out for that day and go!

SugarHockeyIcedTea · 23/08/2019 18:46

Fuck that for a game of soldiers!

If he gets to go and swan about like he's in Wayne's world then you get the same to go and see your horse and have some you time.

He has to learn how to look after his children, they are his too. You didn't miraculously give birth ala Virgin Mary.

Reindeerssmellbetter · 23/08/2019 18:46

He needs to step up and look after them so you can have some free time too. I don't think once a week is too much as long as you get the same amount of time.