DH and his new band. AIBU?

[Nuckyscarnation]

Because I’m currently biting my tongue trying to work out if I have a legitimate grievance or not.

DH recently placed an advert online looking for musicians. Somebody responded and DH has now been away a day a week for the last three weeks jamming with his new friends.

I want DH to have friends/fun. However my issue is that we have year old twins and I haven’t had nine hours in a day to please myself since they were born. Also it costs him close on £20 per trip on train fares and we are on a low income.

Would I be unreasonable to raise an objection with him? I don’t mind him going say once a fortnight, but I think once a week is a bit much? Or is it totally fine and am I being unfair?

I think I’m just frustrated because when it comes to him finding a better job etc he totally drags his feet and says he can’t do it without my help Yet he’s got the time and inclination to find these other guys to play music with. Again though, am I being mean thinking that way? He’s quite good at making out I’m being unreasonable so it’s hard to know what to think!

Opinions please

Are his band any good? Or even not-brilliant-but-play-popular-covers? Ask him to look for some pub gigs (near you, so he doesn’t spend all the proceeds on travel, or have to leave v early to set up) then at least it might help with the money.

@Pollypenguin01 Unfortunately evenings are out for me because I have to put babies to bed. I’ve seen the outside world after 6pm once since they were born!
He’s away a long time because these new band mates live miles away. It’s a thirty minute bus ride, twenty minute train and then half hour walk. Still not sure if he needs to be away nine hours mind

At least I can look forward to a day a week to myself I suppose. I can’t say he’s BU in that respect.

I have no idea if they are any good. They’ve only met three times! I wouldn’t mind as much if it started paying a bit of money As far as I’m aware though the other guys have only played open mic nights so far!

@shithappens123 With regards to work...I probably will go back in some capacity soon. Unfortunately my own earning power is pretty shit at the moment, which is why I’m taking steps to retrain. If I’m honest I don’t really want to go back FT atm. These were ivf babies that took years and all my savings to conceive. I want to spend as much time with them as possible. I’m not sure how childcare costs work over a certain income too. The JC have been very vague about it when I’ve asked. I have an appointment with my Job coach next month though so will ask again.

Well, on the face of it, having a hobby that gives him a bit of time to himself is not a problem. But taking one up that necessitates spending the best part of a day every week away from his young family, and doing so without discussing it with you first? I think that's taking the piss really. I would feel differently if it had been a pre-existing commitment but this is something he's instigated at a time when he needed to be stepping up and giving you some more support. I do also think this particular hobby has potential to become more time-consuming. At some point I'm sure they'll want to do more than just meet up to noodle about for a couple of hours.

The way you talk about your babies makes it sound as if your husband has very little input tbh. You have to put them to bed, you used all your savings on IVF - does he never do the night time routine? Did he not contribute anything towards the process? It just doesn't sound like you're a team at the moment, OP, which might be why your husband felt it was ok to take a whole day out of the week for himself without checking with you that you would be able to manage.

I wouldn't trust the jobcentre to give decent advice about whether or not you'd be better off in work. It involves a knowledge of the benefits system as a whole that your avarage jobcoach just isn't trained for.
Go to the CAB and ask for a "better off calculation" Or, failing that: have a play around with the calculator on entitledto.com.
Put in different combinations of hours, wages and childcare cost and you should get a pretty good idea of whether you'd be better off in work.

Oh, god, a musician!

The danger is that they get deluded that they have a future as an income earning band and de-prioritise other work as a result.

You are juggling lots of priorities and I think you may have to compromise. I agree that facing him with the ‘day a week for you’ thing is a good way to make him think but in all honesty you actually need him to work and earn more.

How did you plan to manage financially when you decided to be parents?

Can the band members travel to you, instead of him spending all that time and money?

As well as expecting him to do more childcare you could start helping the babies to sleep without being fed to sleep. At a year old they are old enough. Unlock your own trap!

@CheckingOutTheQuantocks I have to put them to bed because they still feed to sleep. I doubt they’d go down if I wasn’t there! I used my savings because DH had none! I used an inheritance I received to pay for our IVF.

@unlimiteddilutingjuice That’s a good idea about CAB The JC do seem to give a lot of conflicting advice which makes me quite wary! I’ve tried the entitledto calculators in the past though and they weren’t that accurate a reflection of what we actually ended up being entitled to receive.

Oh, god, a musician! The danger is that they get deluded that they have a future as an income earning band and de-prioritise other work as a result.

^ THIS!

Musicians are a breed apart, it's not like a normal hobby. There will be at least one person in the band who thinks they have a shot at stardom.

Wow just wow. I’m not sure where to start with this. With regards the time off then if it’s ok for him to have a day to himself, then it’s ok for you. It’s a good chance for him to spend time with the twins and hone his parenting. Oh and you need to stop doing all the cleaning during your time off. He will let the situation continue if you keep doing everything / being a martyr

@ReasonedCamper Well we relocated for housing reasons, but the expectation was that he would find a full time job, preferably one earning above minimum wage.
His argument is that as neither of us drive (although I’m learning) the extra money would be swallowed in bus fares. At the moment he works 15 minutes walk away but we live in quite an isolated area. My plan was to start back part time during babies second year, which I’m still planning to do. Although I’m hoping to go back to university the year after next. I don’t mind not having much money. I have my babies and that’s enough for me I just want him to try harder. I’m the one thinking of ways to improve my earning potential while he basically faffs around!

I don’t even mind not having spare time on evenings etc. I’m happy to feed babies to sleep until they self wean. I just need more general help with stuff. I’ve taken babies out to meet a friend today and I’m painfully aware I’ll be going back to a tip of a house!

The thing is. I do mind paying for your partner to swan about. If you wasn't claiming then fair enough.

I’d let him get on with it if it was with a view to gigs- that’ll pay 250- 350 each one in a pub so worth your while if four in the band at three gigs per month- £225 extra monthly income would be reasonable expectation

@SurferRona I think those figures are optimistic, with respect. Depends where the OP lives of course but in my neck of the woods they would struggle to find that number of regular gigs, let alone paying ones.

Sounds like you got yourself a sperm donor.
you need to tell him to be a father and husband, he's no time for hobbies that cost money when you are low income, how selfish.
Why on earth are you with such a loser?

I've yet to see a pub pay £250 a man for a bunch of amateurs.
I can usually manage to get petrol money for the amateurs and semi pro's. Pubs don't have money for this.

@myimaginarycathasfleas we’re in south- will travel 45 mins to gig venues, are a LOT of pubs with live music now in that range. A good band could do fri and sats here - 6 gigs a month easy, then plug n play local festivals in the summer on top. But they have to be good!

No @drabarni £250 is low end for the band. 300 is typical. So figures I gave was a quarter times three gigs for monthly income. Where are you? Do you manage bands?

For a band it's about right, but you'll not get that per person.
No disrespect but top players only gain this much.
I manage top pro's my love. Session musicians, recording artists. etc
Are you aware of the MU rate, it isn't very much.
If you are getting that sort of money for amateurs, I have a few pro's who would play for £250 for a couple of hours in a pub.
PM me with some dates and I'll have you the musicians. Thanks.

The whole situation seems mad. Moving to a place so far from work when public transport seems awkward, a 30 man busriide to a station to get a train anywhere.

He works 30 hours a week on minimum wage with twins to feed and says more work isn’t worth it because if the fares, but spends £20 for his band practice / jamming.

You pay upkeep on a horse you haven’t got time to ride.

Learning to drive is really expensive.

Should you move back somewhere less isolated and with more opportunities?

Well, god knows how the OP’s DH is going to get to and from all these theoretical gigs, I don’t get the picture that the bus service runs late!

My Ds and a couple of extremely talented friends (them: he is competent / fluent) get paid gigs at local pubs and festival type events wanting to support youth bands (they are 17/18 yo) . £50-£100 a gig between the 3 of them and a pizza from the pub menu. And here’s the thing OP: they do work hard during rehearsals but they do a lot of their joint arranging and learning of new pieces, and ‘routining’ to keep their hand in over the Internet.

My husband is a semi pro drummer in various tribute bands. We have a 4 year old son with additional needs. On top of this, we both work full time professional jobs. His drumming takes up most weekends but he’s earning £200-300 per show. If he gets in a 4am, he’ll be up with us by 9.30am and will have family time until whenever he leaves for his next show. He works around 40 hours a week on his day job and probably 24 hours on his drumming. If he didn’t earn decent £££ he wouldn’t be doing it. If he didn’t accept that his tiredness would be part of it, in exchange for me doing the weekend childcare, then it’d be over for me. Instead I see him as a very hardworking person. If hand on heart, you can’t say this about your husband’s hobby... if it doesn’t benefit the whole family in some important way (financial, well being etc), then he needs a stern head wobble.

So is the source of your annoyance the fact that your DH isn't doing his share of looking after the children, that you want him to spend more time with you generally, or that he's spending money you don't have on travelling to do his hobby? It doesn't sound like you really want him to do more childcare, and the time he's putting into travel must be annoying, but that seems to be an issue with where you live. As for the money - if you're worried about £20 per week for train and bus fares, I dread to think what the upkeep of a horse must be costing you. Do you have some kind of arrangement with a friendly farmer who lets you keep it on their land for peanuts? I'm just struggling to see how someone who's managing a family of four on a part time minimum wage salary can afford all the sundry expenses like vet bills, a farrier, saddlery, etc. Unless there's some income you haven't mentioned or some special circumstances, I'm not sure you can begrudge your husband £20 per week for his hobby. If you want him to be a more active parent and step up with looking after the twins, then that's a different matter, of course.

Perhaps your husband feels a bit distant from the babies because he’s not breast feeding himself (obviously) and you aren’t expressing milk so he can bottle feed them? Would that be an option at any point?

Perhaps if he can’t get them to settle and they are crying for you etc he feels defeated?

That would be enough to put anyone off looking after them, double screaming babies is scary! And if you don’t plan on weaning them any time soon, things will not get any better. (Some babies are still suckling at bed time and they are at primary school).
He needs to spend more time with them so he can become more confident and so they have confidence in him too.

If you look at the finances I’m sure he can’t be grudged the money for his nights rehearsing, we all need a hobby, especially as yours must cost at least £20 a week in livery costs.
But you also need time away from the children. So start doing that too. Perhaps gradually increasing the time so he/they don’t freak out!

@CheckingOutTheQuantocks it’s not the money really or even him having a hobby. It’s the fact that he can find the energy to put effort into this but zero effort into finding a better job/training to do something else. I saw a brilliant careers adviser last month, gave him the details and he said he’d make an appointment. He hasn’t and he admitted it’s because he doesn’t want too!

I keep my horse for free on a friends land. He’s a sturdy native type so very minimal upkeep costs. I’m currently looking into trying to get a loan home for him though.

@Elieza I did used to express milk for bottles but they barely feed during the day now, just at night. I absolutely hate expressing so I’ve stopped doing it. They haven’t had a bottle in months. Not sure they’d even take one now. They don’t scream to be fed milk during the day. In fact they rarely scream at all and not for long. They are very happy, sunny natured babies I disagree that me bf has made him feel distant. There’s plenty of things you can do to bond with a baby other than feeding it with a bottle!

I don’t begrudge him the money, but I do begrudge this decision being made without him even asking if I minded!

I saw a brilliant careers adviser last month, gave him the details and he said he’d make an appointment. He hasn’t and he admitted it’s because he doesn’t want too!

Then you have something to negotiate with, OP.

When he's got his work life sorted AND he's making a full contribution on the housekeeping and caring side of things, he can think about his band.