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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH and his new band. AIBU?

74 replies

Nuckyscarnation · 23/08/2019 13:29

Because I’m currently biting my tongue trying to work out if I have a legitimate grievance or not.

DH recently placed an advert online looking for musicians. Somebody responded and DH has now been away a day a week for the last three weeks jamming with his new friends.

I want DH to have friends/fun. However my issue is that we have year old twins and I haven’t had nine hours in a day to please myself since they were born. Also it costs him close on £20 per trip on train fares and we are on a low income.

Would I be unreasonable to raise an objection with him? I don’t mind him going say once a fortnight, but I think once a week is a bit much? Or is it totally fine and am I being unfair?

I think I’m just frustrated because when it comes to him finding a better job etc he totally drags his feet and says he can’t do it without my helpConfused Yet he’s got the time and inclination to find these other guys to play music with. Again though, am I being mean thinking that way? He’s quite good at making out I’m being unreasonable so it’s hard to know what to think!

Opinions pleaseSmile

OP posts:
LannieDuck · 23/08/2019 18:51

So start taking a few hours once a week, every week, to ride your horse. Tell him that he'll need to look after the twins every week while you do this.

SleepingStandingUp · 23/08/2019 18:54

He’s never had them alone for more than a few hours. That’s my main worry
I suspect this is as much down to you as him though. He doesn't do it how you like so you decide your way is right so he's not allowed to be alone with them in case he does it wrong.
If he's genuinely a risk to their life and wellbeing I'd question your entire future Tbh. What happens if you ended up in hospital tomorrow for a week? Or the one I used to DH, what happens if I died tonight?
He has to be able to keep his own kids alive, well and vaguely happy. Which means you have to compromise on the stuff which is choice not necessity (so he needs to feed them. Even if it isn't home made organic kale cakes, and he shoves CBEEBIES on for 30 minutes whilst he makes it) and you have to make your need for time alone clear to him.

It'll also make him see how much he's expecting of you having the kids by yourself whilst he's pretending he's a rock star every week, and give you some much needed you time, which is specifically out of the house so it isn't spent on housework.

How many days does he work?

BrunettesDoItBetter · 23/08/2019 19:23

Off jamming with his mates? Sounds about 16 not like a new father of two Confused

Original poster
Nuckyscarnation · 23/08/2019 20:10

@SleepingStandingUp I used to leave him with them when they were little, but he just used to get super stressed so I stopped. They are BF so his argument was he didn’t have boobs to soothe them with.

He says he’ll be fine now they are older. I’m sure he would be really. I’ll admit he spends more time on his phone with them plonked in front of the TV than I’d like though,

If I had to go to hospital tomorrow then I don’t know what would happen. He’s never done bedtime alone as they still feed to sleep!

He works 30 hours, but his shifts vary. He doesn’t have a set rota which is quite annoying.

@BrunettesDoItBetter it is a bit cringe isn’t it? He only just got in. He’s been out for nine hours!

OP posts:
hidinginthetoiletagain · 23/08/2019 20:23

He sounds like a man-baby.. I know quite a few of those myself... They were a lot of fun to hang out with when I was in my twenties, but now we're all in our late 30s/40s and I mainly just feel a bit sorry for their wives/partners. Especially the ones whose husbands are also 'writing novels'...

I think it is totally unreasonable that he buggering off to play with his friends every week and leaving you with twins. However, to an extent this is the man you're with and if having twins hasn't snapped him out of it then maybe nothing much will.... I think hoping he'll change drastically might end in misery/madness...

My advice would be to negotiate it down to every 2 weeks, give him VERY clear guidance about what his other responsibilities are and try to lower your expectations/standards when he's in charge of the kids...

cheesydoesit · 23/08/2019 20:25

It's not going to get better until you both give a little, you need to trust that although he might do things differently the kids will be ok, and he needs to be able to look after his own children.

Do you both pitch in when you are at home or do you manage everything and so he is rendered useless and makes the most of it by pissing off and playing his guitar? You aren't doing yourself any favours and it's a bit sad that he thinks he can just pick up parenting 'when they are older'. Doesn't he want to take them out and have adventures with them now?

Laiste · 23/08/2019 20:27

The horse - is it your own? Just out of interest re. finances.

Honestly, basically, you can't tell him ''you can't go out because i wont go out''. Which, if you wont leave him in charge of his own kids, is what it comes down to.

If that makes sense?

You'll have to accept the way he parents and get yourself out of the house once a week. If finances are too tight for you both to spend 20 quid a week on yourselves then a discussion is needed. A day every other week each. Plus a day doing something as a family.

As a pp said, his reaction to your suggestions will be telling. And he can't really refuse, can he?

ConorMcGregorsChin · 23/08/2019 20:33

I had a similar relationship when I was 21. We didn't have any kids. But my life eventually ended up revolving around him and his 'band'
We aren't together anymore.

Laiste · 23/08/2019 20:42

@ConorMcGregorsChin

I had similar when i was 25. We had 3 kids by then. His interaction with me and the kids was governed more and more around the hobby. We aren't together anymore either ...

but i wasn't going to say that

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 23/08/2019 20:53

From experience you need to have a firm conversation about this before it becomes too entrenched a habit. It won't stop there. Jamming often leads to talk of gigs, gigs need rehearsals, blah blah blah. Then you'll be expected to plan your holidays around band time.

Family comes first, OP. He should know that.

Original poster
Nuckyscarnation · 23/08/2019 22:51

I spoke to him about it.

He said he was next going back next Friday. I told him that I think every week is a bit much, but he said it has to be that often for the practice. I then said I want a day a week to myself and he agreed that I should. He said he’ll be fine with the babies.

I still feel a bit annoyed with the band thing but I suppose I’ll just have to leave it for now.

OP posts:
BrunettesDoItBetter · 23/08/2019 23:05

@Nucky v cringe!

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 23/08/2019 23:53

Practice for what, though?

Original poster
Nuckyscarnation · 24/08/2019 06:43

@Myimaginarycathasfleas I have no ideaConfused He didn’t specify!

OP posts:
KatherineJaneway · 24/08/2019 06:51

If he can find time to form a band, he can search for a better job or second job to supplement your income. Issue is he doesn't want to. I wouldn't want to be married to someone so lazy.

Original poster
Nuckyscarnation · 24/08/2019 07:08

@KatherineJaneway I don’t want to be married to someone so lazy either, but I also don’t really want to get divorced with two very young children.

I’m fed up with it, but I don’t know what to do. I’ve suggested we go to marriage counselling which he’s agreed to do.

OP posts:
RainRainGoAway12 · 24/08/2019 07:12

Could he turn the band into his second job? My friend’s husband is in a covers band (indie pop stuff so popular in pubs) and most weeks does a local gig or two to supplement their income. Works well for them.

NoSquirrels · 24/08/2019 07:17

Bands do practice regularly so if his hobby is being in a band then that’s the time commitment.

What’s unreasonable is being so far away that band practice takes all day, and it bring a new thing he’s started when he’s got 1-year-old twins. His priority should be family time right now.

Sayhellotothethings · 24/08/2019 07:33

I don't think there's anything wrong with him having his own time, as long as you get it too. Tell him you want a day a week with your horse. If he protests, ask that he cuts down band time (to half a day) so you can have half a day.

It's tricky being at home looking after the children because naturally we can become resentful of our husband or partner's hobbies. But, they do work all week and are entitled to a break. As are we entitled to a break from being mum.
Does he help much in the evenings?

Sayhellotothethings · 24/08/2019 07:36

With looking for jobs etc...

If he is anything like men I know, he might be looking to escape his responsibilities for a while. These include work, housework, parenting, even looking for a new job (because let's face it, job hunting is a chore). If he works full time it is reasonable for him to have a break. But you need yours too.

Pollypenguin01 · 24/08/2019 07:38

TBF to him the band is his hobby so once a week should be fine. It obviously should only take up a few hours in the evening though.

You should definitely have an evening a week yourself for a hobby too.

Can you not both compromise that you both have x amount of time a week or one full evening a week (whatever works best) that you can do your hobbies without any moaning or resistance from the other?

So your husband gets say 4 hours on a Wednesday evening and as your hobby is slightly different maybe you get two hours two evenings a week, say a Monday and Thursday to ride? Then both have a half day on a Saturday to do your respective hobbies and a Sunday full day to do a family thing?
This would still leave you with sometime together most evenings, you still have daytime with the babies, he gets his hobby and you yours and you both get all day Sunday doing a fun family thing. You will also have a Tuesday and Friday as family evenings.

PurpleHedges · 24/08/2019 07:39

Yandnbu! 1 year old twins?? (Anyone who's been in that situation knows it's about survival). Wow, I feel for you. Flowers

unlimiteddilutingjuice · 24/08/2019 07:51

I was about to say "Who the hell takes up a new hobby just after having twins?!"
But then I remembered catching DH googling "How much training do MMA fighters need?" when I was pregnant.
The answer of course was "Much more than you have time for, Sunshine!" I teased him mercilessly for that.
But the tank of tropical fish got installed around that time. And the weightlifting soon after. Hmm
I think some men react to fatherhood with a kind of panicked identity crisis and pick up something, anything, to prove that they're still their own man.
In your situation I would be buying baby sized ear defenders and insisting he take at least one kid, if he's that determined to be away all day. And I would become as inflexible about horseriding as he is about this. He needs to man up.

shithappens123 · 24/08/2019 08:16

How about getting a job yourself. Money worries would put a strain on anyone’s relationship and having some extra (you would get help with childcare costs?) takes the pressure off, plus there’s a little extra spare money for treats (getting hair done or new clothes etc)

CheckingOutTheQuantocks · 24/08/2019 08:20

Do you know if this band is actually any good? I'd just be somewhat worried that he'll decide at some point that they want to play a gig or something, and it will suddenly turn into something that requires more than one day per week of "jamming". I don't know that much about the practicalities but I assume you'd need more rehearsal time than that if you were going to turn it into something that could make money. I wonder what this advert said when he was looking for new band members, and what the others think they're in it for?

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