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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think it’s not rude to tell someone they can’t come on your holiday?

95 replies

Drinkandknowthings · 23/08/2019 10:55

Trying to figure out what relevant backstory!

BIL2 invited himself along on our last holiday to Disneyland Paris. After the trip DH said that BIL2 was saying he wouldn’t mind/would like to go to DisneyWorld Florida with us.

We’ve just booked to go to DisneyWorld Florida in a few months and I really don’t want BIL2 to come. I just don’t get on with him well enough to spend 2 weeks with him.

DH thinks it would be rude to tell him he can’t come if he mentions it. I think it’s ruder to assume you can go along on someone’s family holiday.

DH realises There is an element of BIL2 being the golden child with MIL so I think she’d kick off too. So DH wants to avoid that.

OP posts:

Boysey45 · 23/08/2019 15:07

@Rakeitawaynwo. I hear what your saying but I've never heard of a single person going on holiday with a couple and their kids before. Its like being a gooseberry on a date.
OP I'd just say no and tell him to go on holiday with his friends.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 23/08/2019 15:10

I hope he looks at the cost of flights and gets put off!

FGS sake can either you or your DH just grow up and tell him that he's not invited? You don't have to be rude about it.

All this tip-thing around and apathy and putting up with what someone else wants because you can't/don't want to actually be honest with them drives me nuts. It's also quite passive aggressive.

He's your DH's brother. He should be able to just say 'Sorry mate, this one's just for us.' Drama over!

MummytoCSJH · 23/08/2019 15:11

I always used to be shocked reading these threads too until I met my exes family and my current next door neighbour . I'm still surprised sometimes that people don't tell them straight up to fuck off (I would and have) but I don't mind a confrontation if somebody is really taking the piss!

Please tell him no. It's weird, he's weird to insist on it and your DH needs to stick up for his family's alone time.

stayathomer · 23/08/2019 15:15

messolini But when it comes down to it she's the only one that doesn't want him there. Sometimes you do have to look at what's for the family. I think this'll be an agree to disagree thing, have to head off on a big long trek to get rid of some ott kids energy (4yo and 6yo are having a sword fight with tea towels!) using ice cream as the bait! Have a good Friday!

billy1966 · 23/08/2019 15:19

I have never heard of people inviting themselves on someone else's holiday.
Frankly bizarre.

OP, there is a pair of you at this people pleasing.

Just say "no thanks, that doesn't work for us, we are looking forward to a holiday on our own".

Spineless men are so unattractive. I am stunned at how easily women end up with them.

My son's have lovely friends, without exception really. But some of their mothers are so controlling of every little thing they do. They have been like this for years.

An example would be one friend of my son's joined a sport my son had been playing for several years and was very good at.
She joined her son and then thought it reasonable for my son to go back to beginner's coaching as it would be nice for her son to have a friend in his group!
She also went to the coaches about it.
Obviously I thought it was just hilarious as did the coaches, and it was never entertained. But there have been similar little incidents like this over the years which I just have plain ignored.

Reading about some controlling MIL's on here, I realise that any poor women that gets involved with any of her four golden son's is actually in for a dog's life.

One of the greatest random skills you can learn is the "Gift of saying No".

Should be taught in schools👍

Drum2018 · 23/08/2019 15:25

Not a chance. If Dh wont say no then you do it and don't feel bad for it. Given you have already meticulously booked parts of your stay and plan to book fast passes for 4 people, tell him it won't be possible to join you as everything had to be done in advance, you didn't include him in your bookings and you have no intention of changing your plans.

steppemum · 23/08/2019 15:28

Boysey - when I lived overseas, i was invited along on a family holiday with a family I knew. It was great as it would have been hard to go away on my own.
But they went for about 10 days, and I only went with them for 5.

(key difference being they invited me along!)

BeyondMyWits · 23/08/2019 15:29

You are going on holiday.
You have booked for the 4 of you.
Neither BIL nor anyone else has actually asked to go along.

Go, enjoy your holiday. Stop with the what-ifs..

FamilyOfAliens · 23/08/2019 15:33

Message bil that you know he wanted to come but this time you’ve booked it for the immediate family so he cannot come this time but you’ll let him know next time you go.

Please don’t take this advice. You don’t want him to come any time unless you specifically invite him. So no promising to include him next time, just no.

LazyDaisey · 23/08/2019 15:36

If your DH won’t say anything, you call him and say it. Tell him that you invited BIL1 to Disney once, you invited him (BIL2) to Disney once too and this time it’s just us and the kids. Hope he understands but from your perspective, you’ve now done Disney with both of the brothers-in-law and you thought about inviting someone from your family for this 3rd visit, but decided to make it just you guys.

Make it clear if anyone else was going to be invited, it would be your sister/mum/etc

Original poster

Drinkandknowthings · 23/08/2019 15:37

beyondmywits you’re right. I am ‘what if-ing’ about this.

In reality we hadn’t planned on going to DisneyWorld for years (and would have said that to BIL2) but then just suddenly booked this trip. So I doubt he’d have the money saved if he did want to come.

OP posts:

messolini9 · 23/08/2019 16:57

namechange84. Think I’m going to memorise that!!! It sounds perfect but honestly I can see BIL2 just completely disregarding it. He’s pretty thick skinned!

Do as namechange84 suggests, OP, & if/when BiL2 disregards it ...
You just repeat.
Again, & again, & again. Until he HAS to regard it.
Disregarding your clearly expressed wish is actually showing you that he disregards you. You do not need to accept that (if it happens).

Don't overthink it or let any worry around his 'disregard' or MiL's 'golden child' mentality prevent you from expressing yourself. You've already got the perfect 'repeat repeat phrase' worked out, with your own clear, kind, concise & reasonable words:
we’re really looking forward to our first family holiday abroad alone."

Have a great holiday!

messolini9 · 23/08/2019 17:00

They didn’t take the suggestion they buy their own timeshare kindly.

@NameChange84

messolini9 · 23/08/2019 17:13

messolini But when it comes down to it she's the only one that doesn't want him there.

No, when it comes down to it, OP - i.e. 50% of the decison-making unit paying for her nuclear family's holiday - is the one who would be made uncomfortable for 2 weeks, whereas her DH will presumably be entirely comfortable whether his DB accompanies them or not.

'Avoiding discomfort' trumps 'comfortable either way' in this instance, would you agree @stayathomer?

And if DH does have discomfort about the simple fact of stating "no thanks, not this time, this one's just for us" - then it's a broader issue of not being heard that needs tackling at some stage anyway.
May as well be now rather than OP suffering discomfort on this holiday, & possibly umpteen more, purely because the broader issue is still unaddressed.

anxiousbean · 23/08/2019 17:23

I am not sure as I don't know the dynamics/nuances of your relationship but from what you have said - I don't think he has invited himself on your holiday. He has mentioned he would like to go to Disneyworld with you after enjoying a trip to the Paris one.

I don't think that is awful - but you have to be prepared to let him know that you don't want to do that together. It is not rude - it is much ruder to let him come along when you don't want him there. And a bit unfair to expect him to be a mind-reader.

messolini9 · 23/08/2019 17:23

thought it reasonable for my son to go back to beginner's coaching as it would be nice for her son to have a friend in his group!

@billy1966 that's an absolute stonker!
& so nice to read about PP reacting with incredulous hilarity, rather than feeling squished & manipulated into compliance (NOT a dig at OP btw - completely understand about the dysfunction she's perceiving).

Am enjoying the mental image of you & the coaches chortling in disbelief.
Maybe some of your CF's boys will get lucky when they grow up, & fall in love with a partner with your attitude ... x

TriciaH87 · 23/08/2019 17:34

Tell him sorry maybe next time as you came on our last holiday we would really like some time away just us. If he has kids he can take his bloody own seperatly. Not your job to include him.

Original poster

Drinkandknowthings · 23/08/2019 17:46

I don’t think DH does want him to come very much. They get on but he has said that if they weren’t related they wouldn’t be friends.

OP posts:

sackrifice · 24/08/2019 08:54

OP just keep it a secret where you are going as you are planning on telling the kids when they get to the airport. Call it your Magical Mystery Tour. Don't tell the brothers in law, the mother in law, anyone.

DisgruntledGuineaPig · 24/08/2019 18:47

So hes not asked yet, you just think he will? So get in first with DH, and tell him you wont accept BIL going along, you won't go if he does, you wont just put up with it. Be angry.

This hopefully will make dh realise if bil does say he plans to go, that dh has to stop him.

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