To think it’s not rude to tell someone they can’t come on your holiday?

[Drinkandknowthings]

Trying to figure out what relevant backstory!

BIL2 invited himself along on our last holiday to Disneyland Paris. After the trip DH said that BIL2 was saying he wouldn’t mind/would like to go to DisneyWorld Florida with us.

We’ve just booked to go to DisneyWorld Florida in a few months and I really don’t want BIL2 to come. I just don’t get on with him well enough to spend 2 weeks with him.

DH thinks it would be rude to tell him he can’t come if he mentions it. I think it’s ruder to assume you can go along on someone’s family holiday.

DH realises There is an element of BIL2 being the golden child with MIL so I think she’d kick off too. So DH wants to avoid that.

Nope. No way. You need to tell your DH that it is just not happening!

No need to say bluntly he is not welcome, say you need some time as a nuclear family.

Have him who's single with no kids and he came to DP with us. Everyone's a bit angry on this thread, aren't they? Just cos he's the golden child doesn't mean he's not a nice guy! Also it could be nice for your kids and your dh. I'd say chill out and use it as time to get the odd break yourself( extra babysitting!)

Him was meant to be bil

WHY would anyone invite themselves along on someone else’s holiday?

He’s be getting told by me, if dh is too much a pussy to tell him no then I would. I love my holidays just the 4 of us .

At 43 BIL should be man enough to go on holiday by himself or with friends etc.I cant imagine anyone wanting to tag along with a family holiday. Its for your husband to tell him its just going to be your own family this year not extended family.

My aunt lives abroad and would often meet us in Disney Florida for our holidays. Seeing her was as exciting as going to Disney, and we have so many lovely memories and are very close now, despite her living thousands of miles away.

Is the problem that it's just him? Could another sibling and their kids or something also come to make it a group holiday and dilute having to spend one on one time with your BIL? Or is it that you just want to go alone?

I cant imagine anyone wanting to tag along with a family holiday.

To be fair, it is his family. He shouldn't have invited himself, but it's not unimaginable that someone would like to spend time relaxing and having fun with their brother and nieces/nephews.

Definitely rude to join someone else's holiday if they don't actually want you there.
Go with what @DisgruntledGuineaPig has suggested. Draw the line in the sand now. Make it BiL2 vs You and your kids going on holiday.

No other way around this.

Best of luck!

I'd cancel the booking unless your H tells him it is family only. But he is family.

He lives aborad but turns up whereever you go on holiday? thats bonkers

Just cos he's the golden child doesn't mean he's not a nice guy!
Irrelevant, as for OP he's NOT a nice guy. She doesn't like him enough to spend 2 weeks with him, & said so in her initial post.

Everyone's a bit angry on this thread, aren't they?
Not really, no.
Assertive, bewildered, & frustrated on OP's behalf re: the CF'ery & family dynamic she describes - yeah.

Also it could be nice for your kids and your dh.
So it might. But -
Also, it might ruin OP's own holiday, which is kinda the point she's making.

I'd say chill out
Easy to say, as you're not expected to accommodate BiL. Suppose you were, & didn't like him? Would YOU feel "chill" then?

Messolini we actually have been to DP with mil and mil- had a great time!!! He likes her, his brother obviously likes him and since he's abroad it's a way for the children to see him. Of course people don't always get on with their in laws but they're part of the family. Her dh more than likely wants him to come but is making excuses

Thst was him! Sorry!

I meant bil

Sorry - I’ve been out most of the day (posted this thread in frustration just before I went out) so will reply more frequently now!

See I can KIND OF see why BIL2 might think it was ok. A few years ago BIL1 lived in the US. We visited the city he lived in twice and then there was a time where he hadn’t met our baby and hadn’t seen DD1 in two years so DH & I decided to go to DisneyWorld Florida and invite him. because he hadn’t seen his nieces in so long. We had a one bedroom suite and it all worked out well. But I get on a lot better with BIL1.

BIL2 is a nice guy but self centred and I don’t really have anything in common with him. Oh and there’s no way he would babysit!

He hasn’t come right out and said he wants to come (yet) and we haven’t told our DDs so I’m not sure there’s a way to say to him we’re really looking forward to our first family holiday abroad alone.

But your situation isn't OP's situation, @stayathomer.
You like your in-laws & had a great time.
OP doesn't like BiL, & won't have a great time if he's there.

She's also concerned about the family dynamic being exploited to ride rough-shod over her wishes, so it's no use blithely assuring her that she should just knuckle under put up with it. That's probably the reaction shes already anticipating from BiL & MiL.

I’m not sure there’s a way to say to him we’re really looking forward to our first family holiday abroad alone

Actually that sounds perfect. I’d just drop it into conversation casually. “We are really excited about telling the girls we’ve booked when the time comes. I can’t tell you how just how much we are looking forward to a break away, just the x of us. It will be our first family holiday alone, I can’t wait!”

It's very rude to invite yourself along to someone else's holiday. I'm stunned that people do that. I only ever hear about it on MN.

namechange84. Think I’m going to memorise that!!! It sounds perfect but honestly I can see BIL2 just completely disregarding it. He’s pretty thick skinned! If I said it to MIL though that might filter back to BIL2 that way!!

I only ever hear about it on MN.

Oh, it’s sadly definitely an off MN thing too. You must know much nicer people than me! Got an even ruder one for you. This week a family member, bold as brass, suggested I might forfeit my time share week this year so they can have it.

“You know that timeshare you have? What happens if you don’t use a week one year?”

“I pay a small fee to use it the following year, so I get two weeks instead of one.”

“Oh”

“Why?”

“I just thought it would have been nice if you gave it a miss next year and I can have a holiday there instead.”

They didn’t take the suggestion they buy their own timeshare kindly.

I'd make it clear to mil. She sounds like she'd filter it down to him.

@Drinkandknowthings

Haha glad I could provide a script!

If he fails to take it on board say,

“I’ve already said that I was looking forward to us having a holiday just me, DH and the girls! Weren’t you listening?”

And if you still get the thick skinned response;

“No way! It’s a bit of a passion killer having your little/big brother crash your holiday. DH are looking forward to a bit of “us” time, if you know what I mean.”

Then if he still insists, “BIL, you are not hearing me! This holiday is for DH and our children only. It’s non-negotiable.”

Also I think I mentioned the holiday is to DisneyWorld? There’s actually a bit of planning involved - we’re staying in a Disney hotel and have a free dining offer so we’ve booked quite a few table service/waiter service meals. These would be difficult for BIL2 to just tag along to - I’ve made our reservations for 4 people and they would be expensive to pay for out of pocket. Also, once it’s 60 days out you book ‘fast passes’. You basically book a time slot to ride a certain ride - again no guarantee that BIL2 would be able to do the same thing.

I hope he looks at the cost of flights and gets put off!

Just be firm, its your holiday and he was rude to invite himself the first time.

Disney is AMAZING, have a great time OP!