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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be really angry?

93 replies

Bloodypuddled · 23/08/2019 09:30

Recieved a phonecall from a family member, stressed and upset that they couldn't afford the back to school shop for their three children. Said they didnt know what to do and that they were struggling real bad. The conversation was a long and stressful one, which resulted in me being guilt-tripped (because I don't have children to shop for), offering to help buy SOME supplies for one- and half way through my offer, they chipped up and said 'I knew you would!!'.
My partner was absolutely livid with the response that I'd got but understood my position, and offered to take us shopping when I had the money.
I put money aside for the last 3 weeks and this week took the child shopping. SOME supplies ended up being a £30 bag, all equipment, pairs of school trousers, and socks and pants (for all three children). All in all, just over £100 as I was expected to take the child out for food during shopping as he hadn't been given lunch yet.
When we arrived to pick them up, mother came out and asked if we liked her hair- she'd just paid £120 to have it done. During the summer holidays, none of the children have been on days out, holidays etc. but mother has been abroad with her boyfriend, had her hair done, had new tattoos and everything inbetween.

I don't have the energy to confront and argue with her as the slightest confrontation gets me blocked on social media and through text/calls, and any access to the children taken away. I understand that I was the one who offered to help with some supplies, but AIBU to be really, really angry by all of this?

OP posts:

OrangeSlices998 · 23/08/2019 11:48

YANBU to be angry. YABU not to stop letting yourself be taken advantage of - there's a difference between 'Let me get his school jumper' and you buying multiple things when there are chances to say 'No, I can't afford this, you're taking advantage' between getting in the shop and walking out with the stuff.

If you really want to help, maybe next time give some money to your nephew ie 'I can't come shopping with you today, but here's £20 for your new school bag and some lunch' or whatever?

INeedAFlerken · 23/08/2019 11:53

I'm sorry, OP.

But you need to start pulling your sister up on her shitty, selfish parenting and refusing to subsidize her lifestyle at the expense of her own children. What a horrible person she is.

Tell your nephews and nieces you'll always be there for them, but don't cover her again like this. Let them go into school without the correct uniform; the school will pull the mother up. She'll come up with it. She'll have to.

StormTreader · 23/08/2019 11:54

I know someone just like this.

A friend of mine has subsidised her for the sake of the kids for YEARS and the end result is she still broadcasts on social media about how hard shes trying and what a great mum she is while her kids now also demand money from him non-stop with no thanks.

Honestly the best thing he could have done for those kids is model someone with boundaries.

Original poster

Bloodypuddled · 23/08/2019 12:07

Honestly, thank you all for your advice and comments. I've not come here to make her look like a shitty mother, but I guess you can't put flowers in an arsehole and call it a vase.

I'm going to try and put it in the back of my mind for the weekend as I'm working so much but I'll address it all on my next day off so I have time to process the fallout I guess. Thank you again.

OP posts:

katesalwayslate · 23/08/2019 12:11

Honestly I think you put yourself in this situation. Nobody can let you be pushed around but yourself. You said yes, and you shouldn't have. You can learn from this mistake and make sure this is the last time it happens.

fingernailsbitten · 23/08/2019 12:12

Just read most of the thread and I have to say how cheeky she is.
You know she is being cheeky.
The line she throws at you about you don't have children...... That's just callous. I had fertility issues as weel. I don;t have any children not for want of trying and 5 ICSI treatments and my H has left me. For your own sister to say you would not understand I think i'd reply by saying and you wouldn't understand how I feel having difficulty in starting MY family.
Don't keep bankrolling her. It is not down to you. She chose to have children and she is responsible (or should be) for their needs. I'd find it hard not ot help my nieces and nephews but my brother and his wife do all they can to provide for their children and do an amazing job doing thst every single day.

Beautiful3 · 23/08/2019 12:22

You did a nice thing for your niece and nephew who are only children. Remember that and how loved and supported you made them feel. They have a bad mother who took advantage of you. Next time she calls asking for money just say no.

TheInebriati · 23/08/2019 12:30

Say no. Take the fallout. Put a small, affordable amount into Premium Bonds every so often.
Then if your niece and nephew make contact after they leave home you can give it to them as a gift.

But you need to stop being a mug because you are enabling their mother to walk away from her responsibilities as a parent.

MegaClutterSlut · 23/08/2019 12:34

Your sister is a massive cheeky fucker and when it comes to people like her, the more you let them take the piss the more they'll carry on doing it because they know they'll easily get what they want.

You need to stand up to her and call her out on her bullshit

Blobby10 · 23/08/2019 12:36

Bloodypuddled please don't call yourself a mug. You aren't!! You are a kind, generous and considerate Auntie who wanted to do something nice for her family to help them out. Don't beat yourself up for this but be aware of how you feel now and see if you can put things in place to deal with it WHEN it happens again.

Candymay · 23/08/2019 12:39

I’d be furious. Someone I know was very sorry for herself and complaining that she couldn’t pay for her daughter’s school uniform. She got the money from the school in the end. She then went to get a huge and massively expensive tattoo done. The same week.

I honestly think it didn’t occur to her that she had made her own priorities and she truly believes she is very hard done by. I never help her with money because I’d be so angry. She doesn’t work at all and definitely could do.

BuildBuildings · 23/08/2019 12:40

She's cheeky but it's hard to see kids going without. Make it clear you won't help again. Then she might think twice about her priorities next time.

Pancakeflipper · 23/08/2019 12:53

Your nephew will always remember your kindness in taking him out to his secondary school kit. Forget the rest - keep that in your heart.

KitKat1985 · 23/08/2019 13:08

She's cheeky. I really think you need to say to her that you are happy to help pay for stuff for the kids if she's really struggling, but it's a complete slap in the face for you to pay over £100 buying stuff for her kids, and then swan out the house saying she had just had a £120 haircut.

I know someone like this. Constantly claiming poverty yet always seems to have enough money to get her nails done.

CaMePlaitPas · 23/08/2019 13:46

OP, I'm sorry about your fertility issues. You sound like such a nice person and I bloody hate it when people's generosity and kindness are taken advantage of.

I do however have to be honest, there is an old saying "fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me".

I would cut contact, you deserve to be treated better than this.

KarmaStar · 23/08/2019 15:43

Hi op
for you.
I'm in the minority here because I don't think you are a 'mug' at all.
You were in a no win situation and did the best you could out of love for your nephew and nieces/nephews.
I suspect they are well aware of what the truth is and are counting on you to be in their lives to bring some security.
At the moment your sister is calling the shots and using her children to get what she wants.
This will not last forever,the dc will be growing up and becoming more independent and able to speak up and voice what they want.
Children are very loyal to their parents ,despite some being treated terribly,so they may not tell all that goes on.
But they will know you are there for them,always have been and will be.having that security is so important to them.
For the moment,I'd reassure them all you love them and are there if you need them and explain as best you can even if you're not around its not because you can't be bothered.
I wouldn't give your sister the satisfaction of seeing you upset.
I hope things turn out well for you and your family.you deserve a lot of happiness and it's great you have so much support.

Skittlenommer · 23/08/2019 17:09

Why do people have kids they can’t afford and then expect everyone else to put their hands in their pockets?

Wonkybanana · 23/08/2019 17:31

OP at least there's a chink of light here - you got to take him into town and actually buy the things he needed. I wouldn't put it past her to just ask you for the money for 'the things he needs' (ahem...)

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