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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be really angry?

93 replies

Bloodypuddled · 23/08/2019 09:30

Recieved a phonecall from a family member, stressed and upset that they couldn't afford the back to school shop for their three children. Said they didnt know what to do and that they were struggling real bad. The conversation was a long and stressful one, which resulted in me being guilt-tripped (because I don't have children to shop for), offering to help buy SOME supplies for one- and half way through my offer, they chipped up and said 'I knew you would!!'.
My partner was absolutely livid with the response that I'd got but understood my position, and offered to take us shopping when I had the money.
I put money aside for the last 3 weeks and this week took the child shopping. SOME supplies ended up being a £30 bag, all equipment, pairs of school trousers, and socks and pants (for all three children). All in all, just over £100 as I was expected to take the child out for food during shopping as he hadn't been given lunch yet.
When we arrived to pick them up, mother came out and asked if we liked her hair- she'd just paid £120 to have it done. During the summer holidays, none of the children have been on days out, holidays etc. but mother has been abroad with her boyfriend, had her hair done, had new tattoos and everything inbetween.

I don't have the energy to confront and argue with her as the slightest confrontation gets me blocked on social media and through text/calls, and any access to the children taken away. I understand that I was the one who offered to help with some supplies, but AIBU to be really, really angry by all of this?

OP posts:

Windydaysuponus · 23/08/2019 10:08

Give her the receipts and tell her she can repay weekly.
Yabu to be such a wuss....

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 23/08/2019 10:10

YANBU to be angry. Did you ask her why she didn't put the 120 towards uniforms?

Next time could you say you are broke at the moment but will see if you can find something second hand on Facebook, get a cheap blazer or something then if she is effectively making you pay to see the kids, at least its less money?

Shoxfordian · 23/08/2019 10:11

You're obviously a kind person but don't be a mug. Next time she asks you should say no.

Batcrazymum3 · 23/08/2019 10:18

YANBU for being angry. You ARE for not taking any action here. This is your sister?? Your Nieces and nephews have had little summer from what you said because she seems a little selfish.
Your Nephew is going in to high school… If it was me I would speak to your nephew (who has a phone) before you speak to your sister. Offer to take him out, by the sounds of it your sister would like that. Talk to him about the relationship you have with his mum, how she reacts when you both aren’t always on the same page and tell him you will always be there for him and his siblings and he can always come to you whenever he wants.

Then sit your sister down and hash it out.

bumblingbovine49 · 23/08/2019 10:21

op. I get this. You are close to your niece and nephew. The fact that your nephew asked about where you were the last time your sister cut contact means he noticed. The children won't be clueless about their mother and over time will come to appreciate you more and more.

Some children with terrible parents and difficult backgrounds can be saved by a supportive adult figure who is a mentor and role model for them.

If it were me, I don't think I wouldn't worry too much about being taken advantage of because I would see it as helping my niece and nephew and developing a long term relationship with them.

You sound lovely btw, not telling tales on your sister and just being there for your niece and nephew

bumblingbovine49 · 23/08/2019 10:23

Also - just to say YADNBU to be angry about this treatment.

Armadillostoes · 23/08/2019 10:24

OP-Your DSis sounds horrible. Using the "you don't have children so you don't understand" line to someone in your circumstances is unbelievably nasty, as it is using your pain to manipulate you..

Also, sadly, there are bad mothers in the world, and she sounds like one. No decent mother uses her children as tools to emotionally blackmail and extract money from people. Goodness knows what damage her game-playing is doing to the children emotionally and in terms of social development. But, given that they have a sorry excuse for a mother (and father too if he knows what is going on and tolerates it) it is a good thing that they have a decent aunt. However, being consistent that you love them, and not playing into their mother's games is more helpful to them than material things. Don't be afraid to draw some lines, even if she kicks off in the short term. I wouldn't worry about being blocked on social media-she isn't going to kill the golden goose. When she realises that you won't be bullied anymore she will stop. I suspect that she would rather receive some help on your terms, than zero help because she has cut you off. Also, the children will sooner or later see her what for what she is.

Drum2018 · 23/08/2019 10:29

I assume you knew she had been on holiday, had tattoos before she cried the poor mouth to you? You see, I'd have thrown that at her and not given her a penny. No doubt if you didn't give her money she'd have found some other mug to finance her, so next time just say no. Stop feeling guilty about the kids - they are her kids to feed and clothe and it's obvious she can afford to, she just chooses not to. You giving in to her manipulative begging just allows her to enjoy her lifestyle.

MoaningMinnie1 · 23/08/2019 10:31

You really have been taken advantage of op but you're a good person to put the child first, I would probably have done the same. £120 for a hair do indeed when children are in need! It's outrageous.

Don't be such an easy touch next time but you definitely did a generous thing.

Try and put it behind you now.

All the best for the future, I hope good news will come your way before long.

Teaandcrisps · 23/08/2019 10:33

I dont know about this - you and your sister obviously have massive issues - and your boyfriend and his family can keep their noses out btw.

All the advice about refusing next time and getting a repayment plan is not going to help those children.

From your post you seem annoyed that you had to spend £100 - and your sister got her hair done. Fair enough, but in truth I would be enraged to find out if it's TRUE that the children have been living off food banks all summer and not gone out. Fuck your £100

the massive issue is that your sister is not feeding and clothing her kids - that's SS and informing the school territory tbh.

Sorry it's not what you want to hear, but you obviously have a problem with your sister not your DNs, so I would be careful not to confuse the two.

Lulualla · 23/08/2019 10:35

What did she say when you said "You had £120 to spend on your hair so you must have the £120 to pay me back for their school things. I will wait while you get it for me"

Original poster

Bloodypuddled · 23/08/2019 10:38

Teaandcrisps I have not said at ANY point that they have been to any food banks!

OP posts:

MollyButton · 23/08/2019 10:38

I would be inclined to report her too. The children are being neglected.
I would also talk to the children, make sure they know your address and phone number - and say you are there for them.
But get her out of your life.

Eustasiavye · 23/08/2019 10:40

On dear op your sister sounds awful.
Next time just listen to her make sympathetic noises then leave it, don't offer monetary help again.

Original poster

Bloodypuddled · 23/08/2019 10:43

Teaandcrisps also, my partner and his family don't have to keep their noses out as how she treats me affects my emotions, which they see on a daily basis. They're looking out for me- is it so bad that I have people looking out for me?

OP posts:

ClemDanFango · 23/08/2019 10:43

She’ll only cut you off until she wants something again OP, you’re her meal ticket. Stand up for yourself!

Ndotto · 23/08/2019 10:44

FFS the cheeky bitch. I'm sorry but I would have got back in my car and returned it all to the shops. YANBU to be angry, I would be absolutely LIVID

Scorpiovenus · 23/08/2019 10:44

You know not to answer the call in future and force her to text only. Then mute her for a year

beanaseireann · 23/08/2019 10:44

Bloodpuddled
You've bern taken for a mug OP
How dare she, the selfish b*tch guilt trip you.
Your nephew is not stupid. Surely he can see she pays £120 for her hair but won't buy him uniform.
Tell him. You care about them but feel you are being taken for a fool.
Please tell your sister it's not on and not to bother to ask you again.
Of course buy them something THEY
want at Christmas/ birthdays.

ThatCurlyGirl · 23/08/2019 10:47

When we arrived to pick them up, mother came out and asked if we liked her hair- she'd just paid £120 to have it done. During the summer holidays, none of the children have been on days out, holidays etc. but mother has been abroad with her boyfriend, had her hair done, had new tattoos and everything inbetween.

Omfg that is one of the cheekiest cheeky fuckers I've ever heard about!

She's not even worried about how that comes across, most people would at least come up with a shit lie like that a friend did her hair for free etc. You'd know it was bollocks but not trying to cover her tracks is almost even worse because she's basically calling you a mug to your face!

Sorry your kindness was taken advantage of

Blobby10 · 23/08/2019 10:50

@Bloodypuddled no you are not unreasonable to be angry and would be perfectly justified in feeling very hurt too at being used in such a way. Your sister is a CF - looking ahead, what will happens when you have a child/children of your own and can't suddenly bail her out with over £100 of 'stuff' for her kids? I would bet money that she will use that as another reason to stop you seeing your nieces and nephew and it will be "Auntie Bloodypuddled doesn't want to know you now she has her own baby".

it will be really really hard but you need to knock this on the head if at all possible - it will only get worse and she will never thank you for anything. Plus the kids will be brainwashed by her to think you are the baddie whatever you do .

beachysandy81 · 23/08/2019 10:51

While your sister sounds awful, at least everything you bought your nephew will benefit him and I am sure he will remember all of this.

Original poster

Bloodypuddled · 23/08/2019 10:52

The thing is, it's not the fact that I spent as much as I did that is making me upset.
It's the fact that I said I'd help buy SOME things for ONE, and ended up buying most things for one, alongside other things for two more children. It's the principle of it.

I get that I'm a mug. I knew this as soon as it all happened, but I didn't have the heart to let my nephew down. He's been let down by so many other people in his life and I want him to know how much I love him and that he can come to me if he needs anything. DSis knows this too, and takes advantage of it by making me do what I do for one for all three, or she tells people I treat them differently and I yet again get made out to be an awful person.

OP posts:

theunrivalledjoysofparenting · 23/08/2019 10:55

You've posted about her before, haven't you? She's a cheeky selfish fucker. Your nieces/nephews are lucky they have you.

You're in an impossible situation. Sympathy.

Streamside · 23/08/2019 10:56

Develop a structure for how you deal with this in the future.You're obviously close to the children so will be happy to spend a particular amount on them.Set that limit and stick to it so you don't feel taken advantage of.Some children have shit parents and that's not their fault, neither is it yours but your well budgeted help can make a difference.My bachelor uncle bought us all reading material, books and magazines appropriate to our ages, on a weekly basis and it turned us all into readers.Despite not having an advantaged background that was something he gave us which was really significant and has been life changing.

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