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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be really angry?

93 replies

Bloodypuddled · 23/08/2019 09:30

Recieved a phonecall from a family member, stressed and upset that they couldn't afford the back to school shop for their three children. Said they didnt know what to do and that they were struggling real bad. The conversation was a long and stressful one, which resulted in me being guilt-tripped (because I don't have children to shop for), offering to help buy SOME supplies for one- and half way through my offer, they chipped up and said 'I knew you would!!'.
My partner was absolutely livid with the response that I'd got but understood my position, and offered to take us shopping when I had the money.
I put money aside for the last 3 weeks and this week took the child shopping. SOME supplies ended up being a £30 bag, all equipment, pairs of school trousers, and socks and pants (for all three children). All in all, just over £100 as I was expected to take the child out for food during shopping as he hadn't been given lunch yet.
When we arrived to pick them up, mother came out and asked if we liked her hair- she'd just paid £120 to have it done. During the summer holidays, none of the children have been on days out, holidays etc. but mother has been abroad with her boyfriend, had her hair done, had new tattoos and everything inbetween.

I don't have the energy to confront and argue with her as the slightest confrontation gets me blocked on social media and through text/calls, and any access to the children taken away. I understand that I was the one who offered to help with some supplies, but AIBU to be really, really angry by all of this?

OP posts:

Notverygrownup · 23/08/2019 10:57

YANBU to feel angry and used by your sister. But your nephew is getting older now and you will be able to build your own relationship with him. Hopefully he will ask you again sometime about it, and you can be honest, telling him that you and your sister don't get on, and that sometimes you have to stay away, as she is not kind to you, but that you love him and his sister a lot and will always be there for them. Why not plan a day when you can take him and his sister out over half term, or Christmas. Set a budget - what you want to spend on them - and let them know that you are doing that because you are their aunt. It doesn't have to be a fortune. A trip to McD's and a film will still be a treat.

They will remember.

Sweetpotatoaddict · 23/08/2019 10:57

Difficult one OP. Her poor children, they sound like they need you. But you also need not to be taken for a ride. Sounds like you need to thrash it’s out with her. Something along the lines of I will take them out in future and buy them what I see fit but not what you specifically ask for.
It’s her kids I feel sorry for. You sound lovely.

Original poster

Bloodypuddled · 23/08/2019 10:57

@theunrivalledjoysofparenting I've not posted before, I'm new to all this as of this morning! But I guess that means I'm not the only Aunt Mug around here 😣

OP posts:

brassbrass · 23/08/2019 10:59

You're fueling the dysfunction though. You can be there for the children without spending a penny on them.

Your sister knows how to play you and you repeatedly fall for it. You are not responsible for financially providing for her children.

Next time she rings with a similar sob story cut the conversation short. Don't offer anything that involves you spending money. Can't believe you saved for 3 weeks to support her.

brassbrass · 23/08/2019 11:02

The other problem to be aware of is children brought up like this grow up thinking it's normal to tap your aunt for money but not be very respectful and worse that they're entitled to it. Its not their fault but it's all they see. Don't be surprised if the children start acting like your sister as they get older.

Original poster

Bloodypuddled · 23/08/2019 11:03

@brassbrass I get that, I suppose it's just something I need to learn to cut myself off from doing.

OP posts:

gamerchick · 23/08/2019 11:04

Look, why dont you for now take note of when the hinty phone call gets into gear just cut it short. What you need is a few stock sentences to say to her handy. If she asks outright tell her you're a bit skint ATM and was actually wondering if she could sub you. You dont have to get into an argument about it. Just don't engage

ginghamtablecloths · 23/08/2019 11:08

You need to learn to say no and if she blocks you, she blocks you - in itself a good thing if this is her behaviour. You are better off without leeches like this in your life. What a cheeky so-and-so.

She needs you, you don't need her so don't be a doormat. Don't let her guilt-trip you again. You would actually be doing her a better favour if you made her stand on her own two feet instead of leaning on you.

Be brave and learn to say NO.

brassbrass · 23/08/2019 11:08

You're a nice person likely better than they deserve. You need to start by looking after yourself. If the shoe were on the other foot would she help you as much? I mean she can't even compromise on hair and tattoos to her own children's needs. If you needed her would she step up?

You already know the answer.

OtraCosaMariposa · 23/08/2019 11:08

At least you've realised you're a mug.

Next time she's pleading poverty, remind her of the hair the tattoos and the holidays abroad.

CacenCrunch · 23/08/2019 11:10

I was expected to take the child out for food during shopping as he hadn't been given lunch yet.

I would have got them a sausage roll to keep them going until she could feed them properly. She's taking the piss. Where did you eat out of interest?

brassbrass · 23/08/2019 11:10

meet her own children's needs

Closetbeanmuncher · 23/08/2019 11:16

You should have tackled it head on as soon as she came out of the house and tell her that the £120 should have gone on her childrens essentials, and that you are not there to subsidise her lifestyle.

By all means take them on days out etc but the responsibility of food and clothing etc lies with her alone.

If she was genuinely in poverty I would say help her out but clearly she isn't with the hair, holidays and tattoos.

Utter piss take.

NewYellowPencilCase · 23/08/2019 11:16

This was me but it was SIL not my sister and MIL used to guilt trip.

I took two days off work to do her paperwork because she’d got herself into a mess and then ended up with a £100 shopping spree for her eldest because she “had no money for shoes or anything”.

On the shopping trip DN tells me that SIL has just redecorated the lounge and BOUGHT silver painted twigs for the fireplace. She spent the price of shoes on twigs she could have picked up for free and sprayed silver herself.

I was then informed that SIL had told DN to “try and get something for the baby as well” from me.

MIL announced a week later that she was taking SIL and kid ms on holiday, the second holiday they had had that year. DH and I hadn’t had one for five years.

I went low contact then. And referred and £££ requests to DH who always says no.

WindsorDuchess · 23/08/2019 11:18

You should focus less on how much of a CF your sister is and more on how you did a really nice thing for your nephew.

Unfortunately when some kids grow up they realise that their parents can be / are shitty people, but he'll also remember the people who where there for him, like you have been.

I was often taken advantage of by 'friends' for years and learning to say no to people was one of the hardest things I learned as an adult. Once I did it, and stuck to it I was surprised at how quickly they moved on to the next sucker who was willing to say yes.

Queenioqueenio · 23/08/2019 11:21

Give her the receipts and tell her she can repay weekly.
Excellent idea ^ definitely do this.

CatonNZ · 23/08/2019 11:26

OMG OP We're not related are we? I am sorry for the way you were treated, but in a way you did the right thing. That child is learning that people like yourself can be there for them and dependable - unlike their self-centred, narcissistic parent. Unfortunately, the environment that child is being raised in will influence his perspective and how he views the world - in other words he will have a strong chance of being narcissistic himself due to being raised by the mother. She sounds exactly like my sister who does the same thing - actually it is the fodder for a new thread!?!?! My advice to you is to think about your boundaries as they have been stomped all over by your family member. This person is well versed in manipulation and that is how they operate - I was going to write survive but operate is so much better because their modus operandi is to extract the MOST out of people, anyone really it doesn't have to be you actually - to fill themselves up and meet their needs first. Without thought for anyone else, without any balance or consideration for another human. It is disgusting behaviour and unfortunately commonplace. Your family member just takes it to another level. There doesn't seem to be a lot of intelligence exercised either as if I were to ask the same, I sure as hell would not be bragging about my hair or tatoo (s) etc. but would play poor, very poor. To close off, boundaries and the word 'no' without explanation - on the flip side maybe spend some time with the little fella as I shudder to think what he is exposed to on a daily basis. Good luck to you xx

GeorgiaGirl52 · 23/08/2019 11:27

I disagree. You are NOT a mug. You are an aunt who cares and those kids have a rubbish mother.
They will remember your kindness. They are old enough to know the kind of mother they have. You and they both know that she puts herself first -- her hair, her holidays, her entertainment. If there is nothing left over her kids get nothing.
It is thanks to you that they can start school equal to the other kids.

Don't let your family beat you down about helping CF mom. You didn't help her -- you helped your nephew and the others. You should be proud of yourself.

colourlessgreenidea · 23/08/2019 11:35

When we arrived to pick them up, mother came out and asked if we liked her hair- she'd just paid £120 to have it done. During the summer holidays, none of the children have been on days out, holidays etc. but mother has been abroad with her boyfriend, had her hair done, had new tattoos and everything inbetween.

I’ll bet she smokes, drinks, has Sky tv, plays bingo and the latest iPhone too.

You've posted about her before, haven't you?

The OP has zero posting history beyond this thread. But she’s obviously absolutely livid so joined MN today in order to vent about this unbelievably profligate, tattooed, CF, unkind, froth-inducing relative of hers.

LillithsFamiliar · 23/08/2019 11:36

Your DSIS is irresponsible but you can't change her so this is about your relationship with her DCs.
I actually agree with a PP that your DP and his family are making this worse. They're making you feel torn about helping. If your DP gave you a hug, said I know your DSIS is a cf but I support you in helping out your nieces and nephews, you're doing the right thing', you wouldn't feel as rubbish about it.
I have two DSIS who can be cfs. My DH doesn't give me grief. We both know they're cfs. We help because we want to and there is no way one earth his family would be expressing any opinion on it.
You have a boundaries issue - with your DSIS and your DP's family.

PancakeAndKeith · 23/08/2019 11:37

It’s so hard because you don’t want to see the children go without yet it’s not your job to pay for them.

RavenLG · 23/08/2019 11:37

When we arrived to pick them up, mother came out and asked if we liked her hair- she'd just paid £120 to have it done
This would have been the point to say "So you've selfishly spent £120 on yourself but cried down the phone because you can't put children over your own selfish needs. You're a shite mum and sister and I'm done being a bank".

People like your sister shouldn't have kids, she's a vile human and you need to stop letting her walk all over you.

PancakeAndKeith · 23/08/2019 11:38

I’ll bet she smokes, drinks, has Sky tv, plays bingo and the latest iPhone too

Don’t forget the goat.

CatonNZ · 23/08/2019 11:42

@Bloodypuddled No you/re not the only one...I loaned my younger sister 2K three years ago - the help her out as she's a single parent...will never see a penny back - let's not talk about taking her two children shopping for clothes, shoes, boots, and school supplies....or the babysitting while madam is off vising the BF...arrrgh just thinking about it makes my toes curl...

Original poster

Bloodypuddled · 23/08/2019 11:45

@CacenCrunch where we went shopping, there's no bakeries or anything, but a small pub. It didn't cost much but it was just unexpected I guess.

@LillithsFamiliar regarding my partner and his family, I hadn't posted about it because I didn't think it would be relevant, but the reason they're involved in the matter is because they too are made out to be bad people to the children. My DSis calls them all out in front of the children, asking why they haven't had money for birthdays and Christmas etc. when my partner's family don't get to see them because of DSis assaulting me in front of them before, so they want nothing to do with her, and in turn DSis has cut off children's contact with them. Prior to that, DPs family used to pay for all three to have days out with us, and help celebrate special occasions. We've been together for years so it's not like they haven't played a part in the children growing up.
When I said my partner was livid, it wasn't at me. I've gone through a rough time lately and he's been so ridiculously supportive, I've questioned what I've done to deserve someone like him. He's brilliant with the children, but he sees DSis for who she is and hates seeing me so down about it all.

OP posts:

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