Cleaning - the demise of my marriage

[isthisit42]

Is it acceptable that my husband doesn't clean his own bathroom? The one I never use? He throws bleach down it now and again but doesn't scrub it. The bend is brown and yuk. I have been forcing myself not to do it for him as why should i?? Am I being unreasonable in not doing it or asking him to do it? I mean I shouldn't even have to ask him right? He should just do it, when I do ask him he huffs and strops like it's the end of the world.

He hasn't spoken to me since Thursday morning as I asked him to clean his dishes that had been lying since Tuesday (I was unwell and had been upstairs for a few days) he wasn't happy at this inconvenience and somehow counteracted this with saying I never get up on time for work.... I was like ok but your dishes need washed so put them in the dishwasher?!

So in effect I live with a 40 year old teenager and it's wearing thin. We've been through plenty in the last two years. He's refusing counselling and I just want a happy life. I also want my house to be clean(ish) without 'nagging' help???

can you afford a cleaner? That solved the cleaning arguments in our house - cleaner for bathrooms and some general cleaning, remaining cleaning divided between us. Much more harmonious

Are you separating? I notice you mention his bathroom and dishes. If yes, can I suggest you expedite the process.

Even with a cleaner you are facing the fact that your life partner thinks he is above cleaning but you are not. Pretty bloody offensive.

A cleaner once a week for the big jobs wouldn't break the bank and probably would help but that will be something else I'd need to organise and pay for. We aren't separating altho it feels like it most times. I am so unappreciated and taken for granted that I won't just clear up his mess all the time and as it was only his mess that was there I wasn't doing it and making a point of asking him to do it. He walks about blind to all mess and we have a toddler so there is plenty of it.

If I got a thanks, a bit of appreciation or acknowledgement for everything I do I would have no problem doing it all for him but he genuinely thinks he does more than his fair share and I shouldn't ask him to help.

To put it in perspective he works in the same place I do, I have a slightly more stressful/busier job than he does so workload is similar. He seems to think he does more than most husbands but our friends husbands have manual labouring jobs and are out the house 15 hours a day. He works a shorter day than me and spends most of it on his phone or on the toilet 🤦🏻‍♀️

It's not your job to sort out his laziness by hiring cleaners. I'd never marry a lazy person who thinks he is above cleaning or looking after himself and believes it's his spouse's job and duty to do this - nope, that's just basic maturity and adulthood.

Get rid of him.

Oh I wish it was easy to get rid of him. We have separated a few times in the last year. I have packed mine and the toddlers bags and moved country back to my mums. Phoned in sick to work and he came over after a week as tho nothing had happened. I wanted promises and assurances he would change, yeah yeah he said but he's back down the same path. He is so oblivious to how badly behaved he is and even when I leave he tries to put the blame on me for nagging and going on - he will never see my point of view as he is so selfish and arrogant to believe he could be wrong. Yes it's my own fault for going back but Iv a home, a job and friends here. It's a lot to give up o go and live in my mums spare room and start from scratch. Iv the blinkers on too that he will change but I don't know how or if he will

Then go and rent a place to live and leave him to it. He'll never change. You got the child you wanted. Time to move on.

He will not change, he has showed you that.

Only clean for you and the toddler, I’m sure he’ll soon run out of clothes and plates.

Separating and divorcing is always hard hard work, specially when homes have to be sold and equity shred out. But you will get where you want to in the end and, when you are truly unhappy in a relationship, it is worth it.

I can't afford to just go and live on my own and Iv no support here so Iv tried my hardest to make this work but also coz I want it to work. He's not a bad person all the time but a switch just flips sometimes and you can see a different look on his eyes. He doesn't have contact with his own family and I genuinely think he has some sort of authority complex and thinks that as I'm asking him to do something he must resist as I'm trying to control him - he's told me this but asking someone to clean their shit stains off the toilet that have been there a week isn't controlling is it?!?!?

He obviously isn’t going to change. Why is he deflecting about you getting up late for work? Does he ever consider it’s because you’re knackered from doing all the house stuff?

If he is the only one using that toilet - I would ignore it. Other stuff is harder to ignore as it’s shared areas.

Bookworm4 that wouldn't bother him in the slightest but I couldn't cope with the mess that he would leave. Altho in the past when we have been in the same house but separated he has always tidied his own mess. It's when we get back together that something changes and he just gets lazy. He is lazy with me too and doesn't put in the effort he should. No flowers, treats, days out, no effort whatsoever. In fact yesterday he complained how slowly I was walking I pointed out it was coz I was carrying several heavy bags, he sighed and said well give me one I was like no it's ok I'll manage so he let me. I mean where is the chivalry?!

He always deflects that's his thing. It's taken me a long time not to get sucked in to it. He was basically using that as a pawn to try and get me not to moan, I don't get up early so we're even that he didn't put the dishes away. It's so weird. He had a lot of issues and has admitted that but is refusing counselling point blank. Leaving me living like this. Iv told him I won't put up with it for long and the only person he is making unhappy is himself. He was in such a mood yesterday after dishgate but he started it all - why?!

There’s an article somewhere about leaving dishes by the sink, and it being responsible for author’s divorce.

Only after they split does he work out that it isn’t about leaving a glass by the sink, it’s the fact that everytime he did it he was basically saying “fuck you” to his wife. That his time was far more important than hers, even that couple of seconds it took to put a glass in the diswasher.

Everytime he left a glass, or didn’t pick something off the floor, he might as well have said to his wife “fuck you, you can pick it up/put it away, i can’t be arsed”.

Everytime he left an incomplete task for her to do he was reducing her to a cleaner and housekeeper, instead of an equal.

I don’t think men even realise a lot of the time. They put the glass by the sink, and they don’t even think about it getting in the dishwasher. I had a friend who laughed at the thought of a cleaner as her house was “easy to keep on top of”- it was actually her husband putting the dishes in the dishwasher, putting laundry on as he noticed the pile, hoovering the carpet if there was a spill. Because he did it as he went along, she never noticed how much he did.

If you can stand it best way is just to stop doing it.

As of your last update I’d say leave him or put him out.
Not every marriage has flowers and chivalry it’s not 1950, he’s just lacking in any decency or respect.

If you don’t want to leave, and you can’t stand his lack of input. I suggest you draw up a large timetable, splitting the jobs equally. He needs to stick to his agreed chores, and then perhaps that will prevent too many fall outs.
You will grow very resentful if you choose to clean for him. Iron it out and keep going.
Withdraw from booking, washing and your support of him, if he can’t be true to his word.

The article that bluebluezoo is referring to is this one: mustbethistalltoride.com/2016/01/14/she-divorced-me-because-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink/

It’s a good article and made me think about some of my behaviour in my relationship.

Btw I am sure you would find life much more joyful with him. Consider ways of support so you can live happily. It’s not a healthy place for your dc to grow up.
He is probably pissed off because when he married you, he expected you to do everything like his mother, saw it as women’s work. Now you are not doing what he wants you to do (and making him do stuff) he is unhappy. He wanted a servant not a wife.

• without him

He's a slob who has no respect for you. That won't change.

The only thing that will change is you gathering up your self respect up from off the floor and walking away.

Who on earth chooses to live in misery? You get one chance at this game of life - don't waste it on someone who treats you like shit

How are you even seeing the shit stains if he has his own toilet? I sympathise as I was a SAHM for a couple of years and then was PT for a few. DH worked up to 60 hrs a week sometimes in a v stressful job so I didn’t mind doing more jobs round the house. But it has been a big mindset adjustment since I went full time and his reduced slightly, he had just got in the habit of knowing things would be done by me, so for a while didn’t realise that he would obviously have to step up and do more.

He is better than me at some things and I’m better at him than some things. So he does most of the cooking for example, and the hoovering, mowing the lawn and we share food shopping (although he isn’t a forward planner for thisz. he would rather go more regularly and just get a few bits, I prefer to plan ahead and do a bigger shop less often.). I do all the washing (he has shrunk a few things and so I just prefer to do it as from experience of doing it all when I was a SAHM I know what I can risk putting in the tumble dryer or on a hotter wash for example). He does his own ironing and I do my own and have stuck with doing the kids’ stuff. Neither of us dust regularly.

So generally we have worked things out so that it feels fair. The one thing that grates is the bathroom. He has never cleaned it. I honestly think that if he had his own place he just wouldn’t bother. 🤢🤮 I am not overly fussy but like it hygienic! We got a downstairs loo put in and I told him that I was not cleaning a second toilet too, so he could clean that one. He agreed, but he cleans it once in a blue moon (usually only when we have people coming round). Consequently it isn’t always great and I now only use it when desperate and someone is using the upstairs bathroom. I’m not bothered. If anyone came round unexpectedly and it is not that clean I just advise them to use the upstairs bathroom because DH cleans the downstairs one so it’s not as clean. I will do this in front of DH. If he’s embarrassed he knows what he needs to do!

What I’m saying is, people have different standards on what they are prepared to live with. Our house is dusty but we both hate dusting so rarely do it. Some visitors would probably notice the dust but....meh.....still doesn’t make me want to dust more. Most people work out a compromise on standards but it sounds like you will never have that. The way you describe him it doesn’t sound like he’s ever prepared to do this. To be honest it sounds like there is a more of a problem than a dirty toilet.

OP - I have exactly the same problem! Used to have a cleaner who just did the bathrooms every week, but DH suggested we dispense with her services and clean our own bathrooms. OK! I clean mine all the time, but he never does his - drives me bonkers. Also like you, if I dare to ask him to clean it at the weekend, he changes the subject entirely so I never get an answer. I asked him to put some bleach down the loo as this is the one which tradespeople would use, and he said he didn't want to!!!

To put it in perspective he works in the same place I do, I have a slightly more stressful/busier job than he does so workload is similar

So you should be doing equal shares of childcare and housework. Does he agree with that (in theory)?.

he does more than his fair share and I shouldn't ask him to help.

Have you and he actually worked this out? I mean the two of you sit down together and write a list of what needs to be done, and split it up fairly?

I would be inclined to give him the big, discrete jobs like shopping and cooking, that he can't ignore. Maybe also arranging and dealing with the cleaner.