Cleaning - the demise of my marriage

[isthisit42]

Is it acceptable that my husband doesn't clean his own bathroom? The one I never use? He throws bleach down it now and again but doesn't scrub it. The bend is brown and yuk. I have been forcing myself not to do it for him as why should i?? Am I being unreasonable in not doing it or asking him to do it? I mean I shouldn't even have to ask him right? He should just do it, when I do ask him he huffs and strops like it's the end of the world.

He hasn't spoken to me since Thursday morning as I asked him to clean his dishes that had been lying since Tuesday (I was unwell and had been upstairs for a few days) he wasn't happy at this inconvenience and somehow counteracted this with saying I never get up on time for work.... I was like ok but your dishes need washed so put them in the dishwasher?!

So in effect I live with a 40 year old teenager and it's wearing thin. We've been through plenty in the last two years. He's refusing counselling and I just want a happy life. I also want my house to be clean(ish) without 'nagging' help???

Harpic power tablets ate great chuck them in toilet bowl at night and gets rid nearly everything - no scrubbing

The fact is op he won’t change, he hasn’t already changed so why would he now? He may change for a bit, but then he will slip backwards to what he was before.

You have a few choices:

1. Either your reconcile yourself with the situation and see if for what it is. Do all the jobs, the cleaning the washing.

2. do all the jobs, feel resentful (rightly so) and end up hating him.

3. stop doing it all. But I could almost guarantee that stuff will just pile up.. he’s knows you will sort it out in the end because you won’t want your child living in a shit tip. It’s almost a game of chicken.

4. or leave him, because he doesn’t value you.

I did 2 and 3, and the realised that he was just a lazy arse who certainly could wash clothes and clean however in reality he didn’t feel he should. ( he would never recognise this though)

And then ended up doing 4 and can honestly say I’ve never been happier.

use it for the odd bath and for the toddler which I hate as it's constantly grubby so I end up cleaning

And this is what he’s banking on! It manipulating and nasty

CurlyhairedAssassin nailed it imo

OP, would you be able to afford the mortgage or rent on the house you're living in now? Because if you divorce, you might be able to stay, with him moving out, until your child is 18, or you're in another relationship. I suggest you get some legal advice about your rights and what is likely to happen when/if you divorce.

Whatever happens though, you need to split up. He's not going to change, and you will end up hating him, so will divorce anyway. Better to do it sooner rather than later, you don't want your child growing up in a household full of tension, as he will pick up on it, even if you never argue in front of him.

Of course it won't be easy, but if you stay with him, you'll look back and regret wasting years of your life on a man who wasn't worth it. So get the ball rolling now, and make an appointment with a solicitor. Don't tell him, or he might start behaving, but it won't last long, he'll slip back to his old ways, as he has before.

That article really sums it up and articulates it in a way I never could. I just don't know if he will get it. I don't think he will even read it tbh. Iv asked him so many times to read things and he doesn't bother. I think I know it's over but the easy option is to pretend it isn't. I'm just so frustrated Iv ended up in this situation. Iv had a bit of clarity in recent months and can see now he tried to gaslight me when the baby was born and has used emotional withdrawal to get his own way but I genuinely don't think he realises he does these things. He just knows it gets results

He just knows it gets results

Yes, this is it. You end up complying. Read the "verbally abusive relationship" by Patricia Evans (was recommended on here), really helps to explain the mindset behind his thinking. If you have a son then he will see his father treating you like this so the cycle will continue.

He sounds too much like hard work. I'd dump him.

Well, instead of asking him to read it (which he will see as an order), print it off, and just leave it lying around. I bet he'll be curious enough to read it on the sly.

Oh, and if when he sees it, he asks you what it is, say it's just an article someone suggested you read, but it's nothing he'll be interested in.

Use a bit of "headology" as Granny Weatherwax in Terry Pratchett's books calls it, ie, reverse psychology!

I really couldn't live like that. He sounds disgusting, tbh. And does he really spend all his time at work on his phone and in the toilet, or did you mean his spare time at home? Either way, ugh.

I genuinely don't think he realises he does these things. He just knows it gets results

This doesn't make sense. If he knows it gets results then of course he realises he's doing it.

Techway yes that is exactly it. I have needed him more than ever since the baby was born and he can't handle it. He's too used to living life like a single man and when the pressure of being husband and father gets too much he cracks.

Hollowtalk I don't think he realises that his behaviour is wrong, he isn't coming home every day thinking he's going to do xyz to make me behave this way but he knows that by withdrawing his emotions, affection and attention from me at the point of argument/confrontation that it results in me not talking to him for several days which is what he wants. I don't think he is intentionally using abusive behaviour, am I asking sense? I have however stopped giving in to the behaviour and started to call him out on it which he doesn't like but as someone said earlier it is draining having to explain to someone all the time and I feel like my husband isn't my equal in terms of what we both put in. I'm expected to do the lions share of thinking and that's the hard part. He will happily go to the shop and run errands if he has a list but that's as far as it goes. He was asked to get some puff pastry last night and dutifully did with no issues except the puff pastry was still on the kitchen table this morning. Even tho he got it in a fridge he didn't think his duty went as far as putting it back in the fridge at home. I mean what do I say to that? It's getting to the point where I'm wondering if there is something intellectually wrong with him as he seems to be regressing in life

You're with an abusive man in an abusive relationship - and you're full of excuses as to why you 'can't' leave.

The sounds exactly like soon to be ex. Took me years before I gave up trying and walked away. Mine even read that article but then argued with me why the man in it was wrong! My advice is... if you think it’s over but toddler too small/not enough money, plan now. It seems so cold hearted but I wish I’d done it. Try to put a little away every month and build up a little nest egg. You’ll have to declare it in a divorce but at least it could cover mortgage/rent for a year or two while you get yourself back on your feet. Mine has all the money and has locked me out of bank accounts while the divorce is being sorted. Then, when the little one is older, it won’t seem so scary/impossible to get out. And if things do improve, then great. But with men this entitled, it rarely does I’m afraid. Just comes down to when/if you snap.

Actually I think the pastry could be passive aggressive behaviour. I had this with Ex and it's amazing how you think of all the other possible reasons such as "processing difficulties" or "ASD" when the reason was pretty typical PA behaviour.

If you has a conversation along the lines of "do you agree we are equal partners in our life?" How do you think he would respond?

Ex would never answer directly, I would get word salad or some other tactic to avoid an answer. Men & women are different but Ex didn't feel I was equal, he was superior. His job meant he had to show equality with employees but it wasn't genuine.

I really hope this isn't the case for you but if his behaviour escalates when you stand up for yourself or have boundaries then he is likely to he very aware of what he is doing.

Ex now reacts badly to the children if he believes they are "telling him" what to do and have already learned they have to request his help politely and with a degree of deference. Outside the home he would win awards for his nice guy act.

Start reading around the subject of toxic relationships, it may help you to understand and respond rather than react to his behaviour.