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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU re. in laws and birthdays

70 replies

MG08 · 23/08/2019 07:27

I am currently not seeing or speaking to my in laws, my brother in law has taken it upon himself to also not speak to me and has never asked to hear my side of things etc.

The issues with in laws are to do with how they treat me, try to control my life, complaining and making note of how often I see my own parents etc. MIL has said she never wants to see me again. Their treatment of me in the past had caused my brother in law to turn up at our house in tears because of what his mum had been saying.

He is now in a relationship and thinks he's some macho man these days and has completely erased any memory of what's been done to me in the past by my MIL because she treats his girlfriend like royalty and she can do no wrong.

It was my 30th birthday recently and I got nothing from him, no card and not even a text. My husband told him that he could have at least text me and he said he wasn't prepared to because of how I've treated them recently. He also complained that I hadn't thanked his parents for my card and gift, which was shoes costing £3 and a generic blank card which they hadn't even written happy birthday in. This complaint was at 6.30am the day after my birthday.

It was his birthday yesterday, I wrote in his card and we got him a present with a label stating it was from all of us. He organised a birthday get together that he knew I wouldn't go to because it was in the evening and we have a baby (she can't fall asleep anywhere so wouldn't have come and he knows this because my husband went out recently without me for another family meal).

So AIBU to be upset that my husband gave him 3 birthday cards, one from us, one from our daughter and one from our pet rabbits and fish! I had mentioned about the card from the pets given that I didn't even get one from him and my husband said he didn't have to give him it. We then put my daughter to bed and he left to go for the birthday meal whilst I was still upstairs doing bedtime. When I came down the card had gone. I asked this morning if he had given him it and he said yes. I asked why and he said he just did. I also haven't had a message from brother in law saying thanks for the present and told my husband he should message him to ask why, given he expected me to thank his parents on the day of my birthday.

AIBU to be annoyed that I didn't even get a card from my brother in law and he got a card from our rabbits and fish?!

OP posts:
ThanosSavedMe · 23/08/2019 07:29

Who the fuck gives a card from their pets?!

Holidaysmoliday · 23/08/2019 07:30

You need to grow up
Sorry

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 23/08/2019 07:32

Your trying to play Tit for Tat, and your putting your dh in the middle.

You need to address this behaviour, it’s very immature.

I understand your relationship with your in-laws has broken down, however you need to move forward.

ShippingNews · 23/08/2019 07:33

I've never received any kind of birthday greetings from any of my BILs, and never expect to . It doesn't bother me at all . In my experience, it's usually women who "do" the birthday things, not men and particularly not single men. It sounds to me as if you've got your knickers in a knot over a very minor issue. Move on and don't stress about things like this .

Aderyn19 · 23/08/2019 07:34

Problem here is your husband. If ILs have treated you badly, he's not showing you any support at all. I would not buy presents for someone who had pointedly not bothered for me.
You and your h need to decide a joint plan and he needs to not undermine you.

HotDogGuy · 23/08/2019 07:38

If he thanked his brother I wouldn’t expect a text thanking you as well.
I don’t know he you wrote the card or were involved in the present. If you don’t get on or see his family let him do it all.

AmIThough · 23/08/2019 07:45

YABU.

Your husband pulled his brother up on it when he was being a dick.
Now you're being a dick and if your husband pulled you up on it you'd accuse him of taking their side blah blah.

I don't care if your present was a pile of shit in a shoe - PILs sent you a present and card so you say thank you. It's just good manners.

I get on well with my siblings but we don't get each other cards most of the time because life gets in the way. Not worth kicking off over.

You're also invited to the family meals and are choosing not to go because of the baby. Your choice.
Also sounds like you're just making excuses but ok.

Sorry OP I think you need to grow up.

Idontwanttotalk · 23/08/2019 07:47

You need to stop being so childish.

Your BIL probably thanked your husband for the cards. There isn't a need to text you too.

I think sending 3 cards with one from your pets is a bit OTT though and, yes, I understand why you wouldn't want to send one if he didn't send you one. Thing is, he is your DH's brother too and he is entitled to send him cards if he wishes.

AuntieMarys · 23/08/2019 07:48

My god you sound like hard work.

Notonthestairs · 23/08/2019 07:53

You chose not to join BIL's birthday so I don't think you can hold that over him.

Who gives a crap about cards honestly?

Best advice I can give you - step back, let your husbands family crack on with whatever they are doing and make sure you have a bit more fun in your life.

notmuchmoretogive · 23/08/2019 08:05

I am afraid YABU. I've never got my SILs a bday card or presents, even though I'm fond of them.

You need to get over this back and forth and stop putting your DH in the middle. If you are making such a fuss over petty things then your DH will be too exhausted to support you over the big things that really matter.

user1493494961 · 23/08/2019 08:07

Sounds like a lot of drama, I bet you're all as bad as each other.

missyB1 · 23/08/2019 08:12

Just stop engaging with all this nonsense. Your husband’s family is his business let him deal with them. If you don’t want to be involved with them that’s fine don’t. But it’s not worth causing trouble with your dh over every little thing they do to annoy you. Just ignore them.

FiveLittlePigs · 23/08/2019 08:18

one from our pet rabbits and fish

No, no you didn't. Hmm
Always try to keep one foot in the reality zone, people might then believe what you've said may be true...

DanielRicciardosSmile · 23/08/2019 08:25

A card from a brother's rabbit and fish sounds bonkers tbh. But I really don't think I'd be able to summon the energy to be annoyed by DH giving it, or by not getting a card from an in-law I no longer speak to.

WishingILivedOnAnIsland · 23/08/2019 08:26

If this is real you need to grow up. If you don't like how they treat you then stop doing the 'wife work' of writing cards and choosing presents. Let your DH do it if he wants to and wash your hands of the tit for tat.

You sound ridiculous

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 23/08/2019 08:28

A card from a fish Hmm From a child I could understand but a grownup ...

francienolan · 23/08/2019 08:28

Why are you so worked up about your BIL? Surely thats a relationship for your husband to manage?

GetOffTheTableMabel · 23/08/2019 08:29

Jeepers. Whether or not anyone gets a card from some fish is NOT an actual problem. The fact that you would bring that up as in anyway relevant suggests a level of immaturity and self-involvement that makes it hard to judge whether you have an actual in-law problem.
They might also be childish and self-obsessed but the answer probably lies in moderating your own attitude. You can’t change them.

katesalwayslate · 23/08/2019 08:31

I think it was rude of you to not say thank you for the present your in laws got you, even if you think it wasn't enough. They got you a pair of shoes and a card and it was very rude of you not to thank them. I also really don't understand why you were annoyed that your husband gave his brother a card from his pets. Yeah they're your pets too but... what?! So?! I find this really hard to understand. You can't forbid your husband to give stuff to his brother especially meaningless stuff like a card from animals which isn't even a big deal???

Also, I've also never got any of my SILs a birthday present in my life and if I'm really honest, I don't even know when their birthdays are! They are the same to me. But we still get on and don't kick off about it because we're not children.

IAskTooManyQuestions · 23/08/2019 08:34

Did the rabbits and fish write it themselves?

katesalwayslate · 23/08/2019 08:36

You're also being unreasonable by saying you COULDN'T go to BIL's birthday because you have a baby. I have a baby and go out for dinner sometimes. Lots of people have babies and still go out in the evenings. Take the baby. Get a babysitter. Whatever. But it sounds like you're implying that BIL deliberately planned an evening event JUST so you couldn't go? Or like you think he should have planned a daytime event or something, just to suit you, because you personally didn't fancy taking your baby along?

Also, if my SIL didn't show up to my birthday meal, I'd probably take the present and card from my brother and thank him. What were you expecting - for him to personally phone you to thank you too? Even though you've already said you're not getting on?

Honestly, you sound VERY hard work!

1stmonkey · 23/08/2019 08:37

A card from pets? What? Is that a thing? It's weird. And a made up problem clearly being used so you can now pick a fight with your husband. Grow up.
Essentially you're pissed off because your BIL has taken his parents side in a petty argument so you want to punish him by ignoring your birthday. Again, grow up.

PeopleMover · 23/08/2019 08:38

Why do you care about birthday cards from your BIL? It's weird.

If DH wants to give his brother 3 birthday cards (including one from a fishHmm), that's up to him and none of your business. But also weird.

CalmdownJanet · 23/08/2019 08:40

He gave a birthday card from the rabbit and fish? Confused LTB

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