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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU re. in laws and birthdays

70 replies

MG08 · 23/08/2019 07:27

I am currently not seeing or speaking to my in laws, my brother in law has taken it upon himself to also not speak to me and has never asked to hear my side of things etc.

The issues with in laws are to do with how they treat me, try to control my life, complaining and making note of how often I see my own parents etc. MIL has said she never wants to see me again. Their treatment of me in the past had caused my brother in law to turn up at our house in tears because of what his mum had been saying.

He is now in a relationship and thinks he's some macho man these days and has completely erased any memory of what's been done to me in the past by my MIL because she treats his girlfriend like royalty and she can do no wrong.

It was my 30th birthday recently and I got nothing from him, no card and not even a text. My husband told him that he could have at least text me and he said he wasn't prepared to because of how I've treated them recently. He also complained that I hadn't thanked his parents for my card and gift, which was shoes costing £3 and a generic blank card which they hadn't even written happy birthday in. This complaint was at 6.30am the day after my birthday.

It was his birthday yesterday, I wrote in his card and we got him a present with a label stating it was from all of us. He organised a birthday get together that he knew I wouldn't go to because it was in the evening and we have a baby (she can't fall asleep anywhere so wouldn't have come and he knows this because my husband went out recently without me for another family meal).

So AIBU to be upset that my husband gave him 3 birthday cards, one from us, one from our daughter and one from our pet rabbits and fish! I had mentioned about the card from the pets given that I didn't even get one from him and my husband said he didn't have to give him it. We then put my daughter to bed and he left to go for the birthday meal whilst I was still upstairs doing bedtime. When I came down the card had gone. I asked this morning if he had given him it and he said yes. I asked why and he said he just did. I also haven't had a message from brother in law saying thanks for the present and told my husband he should message him to ask why, given he expected me to thank his parents on the day of my birthday.

AIBU to be annoyed that I didn't even get a card from my brother in law and he got a card from our rabbits and fish?!

OP posts:
CassianAndor · 23/08/2019 08:40

I must say, I'd love to hear your ILs side of this saga.

user1471449295 · 23/08/2019 08:41

Jesus...grow up

SnuggyBuggy · 23/08/2019 08:41

Your DH sounds really weird

katesalwayslate · 23/08/2019 08:41

And one more thing... You have said that you don't get on with PIL and BIL, and yet PIL still got you a birthday present and card, and BIL still invited you to his birthday meal! It sounds like they've behaved really well - it sounds like they're being kind, mature and trying to rise above the drama etc. If I wasn't getting on with someone they wouldn't get an invite to my birthday or any presents on their birthday! To be honest they comes across as pretty nice people from this post.

HeyMonkey · 23/08/2019 08:41

Good lord, are you all teenagers?

Teachermaths · 23/08/2019 08:42

Are you all 16?

Grow up.

CherryPavlova · 23/08/2019 08:43

Are you practicing in case Jeremy Kyle is offered a new series? Ridiculous all round.

FrancisCrawford · 23/08/2019 08:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Brefugee · 23/08/2019 08:45

Blimy, if you don't like them why do you care?
I guess it stings a lot bit if they treat BIL's new GF like royalty but you can't control that.

Ignore it all and move on. I'm assuming that you would have thanked the ILs for their present so BIL was out of order there (even if you hadn't - none of his business) as for the rest.. meh

you could ask your DH why he thinks your ILs don't apparently like you and take it from there

NoSauce · 23/08/2019 08:46

Is it April 1st?

Fucking cards from the pets?

FredaFrogspawn · 23/08/2019 08:47

The card from rabbits and fish sounds like a piss take based on the whole birthday gift/thank you nonsense.

MamaGee09 · 23/08/2019 08:48

I only ever receive a birthday card from my sis in law, nothing from my own brother or brother in laws, I couldn’t care less. It does bother me when they forget my dh’s as he is their own brother!

For us we only buy siblings a birthday card and gift on a big birthday but we do message them to say happy birthday for every other birthday,

Teaandcrisps · 23/08/2019 08:48

Actually you will all be better off if you went NC - just let your OH have a relationship with his mum and brother and stay out of it. Let him sort out cards from you guys and the pets...you know that's really strange right...

NoSauce · 23/08/2019 08:49

Did you just join MN especially for this?

MamaGee09 · 23/08/2019 08:49

POsted too soon, in your case I’d leave in laws birthday and christmases up to your dh and let him deal with them all.

HugoSpritz · 23/08/2019 08:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mistermagpie · 23/08/2019 08:56

With this is all very petty. Why are you getting worked up about your brother in law? It's a bit weird. So is buying cards from your pets.

You all need to grow up.

eenymeenymineymo · 23/08/2019 09:03

I want to say Biscuit - but cant not say that I think youre being ridiculous. Youre much too invested in the interest or lack of from your IL's. Let them be, enjoy your own life

Piffle11 · 23/08/2019 09:04

Or OP, you sound rather bitter! The thing about the present: MIL and FIL sent you a card and present. You didn’t thank them. DH gave BIL a present from you and DH - BIL thanked DH. Completely different. If I got a Present from my sister and her partner, and if she give it to me in person, I wouldn’t then ring to thank him as well - especially if we didn’t get on. My in-laws and talking to me at the moment, I didn’t get anything but my recent birthday. Doesn’t bother me. I understand your frustration at feeling people are only hearing one side of the story – exactly the same has happened to me. But they are family, and unfortunately will always lean towards supporting each other. The best you can hope for is to try and forget it and be happy with DH .

OMGshefoundmeout · 23/08/2019 09:08

YABVVU to expect your BIL to put his connection to you above his relationship to his own mother. She might be an evil bitch and an utter cow but she’s his mum and I think Mum trumps SIL.

As for the card thing! I’ve never sent a card to my BIL or received one from him. As far as I know my DH and he don’t exchange cards either. Nor has my DH ever exchanged cards with my siblings. They’re all perfectly nice and we all get on well when we see one another but we aren’t close (geographically or emotionally) and barely even remember one another’s birthdays let alone be arsed to send cards to adults.
The one exception to this is one of my SILs who was my friend long before I met and married her brother. Even though she lives 6000 miles away we remember her birthday because we love her and know it matters to her.

Step away from the drama, you are not the centre of their world, don’t expect them to care about what you care about, concentrate on the people who care for you. And as a whole family, stop wasting money on cards and gifts for adults unless they come from the heart and are given with love.

Toneitdown · 23/08/2019 09:11

YABVU and also who writes a seperate birthday card just from the pets?

SchadenfreudePersonified · 23/08/2019 09:15

Why do you care about birthday cards from your BIL? It's weird.

THIS ^

You don't like him. He doesn't like you.

Sad- but that's life.

Don't feel obligated to buy him presents/ cards etc, or even have your name on them. Don't expect anything from him. Same goes for the rest of his family as it doesn't seem that you like or get on with them either.

Do expect support from your DH - even if he wants to keep in touch with his family, and he obviously does, he should be sticking up for you eg - sending a card, but not going to the party. As it is he is colluding in their treatment of you.

Just let it go regarding "they should do this/ that/the other". If they realise it's upsetting you, and that is their intention, they will revel in it.

If they send you any more rubbish presents, either send them back or send a thank you card. "Thank you so much for the lovely shoes.". Then give them to whichever one of them has a birthday next. Beautifully gift-wrapped with lots of kisses on the card.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 23/08/2019 09:18

How do you suggest that this resolves? You appear to be causing major conflict with your husbands entire family. What do you see the end game as being here?

It's extremely unlikely that you can have any type of friendship with your BIL while blanking his parents.

Bowerbird5 · 23/08/2019 09:31

My brother in laws have never sent me a card. My sisters don’t always. A card from the rabbit and fish🤔 weird.
I think you are too invested in birthdays. You should have said thank you whether you liked the present or not. It is the thought that counts and they sent a present and card when you aren’t on speaking terms.

Boysey45 · 23/08/2019 09:31

Just let you husband deal with his own family and don't have anything further to do with them, that's what I would do.
I also think its not for women to do all the present and card buying for relatives. Surely if its the mans family then they should do all this?
The gift from his family sounds not very good, if they are not even prepared to sign the card! I'd just concentrate on your own family and baby and leave his family to it.

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