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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think I stand a chance of getting back with an ex after 5 years apart? (I got married, had a child, and got divorced in this time)

91 replies

mamahannah101 · 23/08/2019 01:37

AIBU to think I stand a chance of successfully reuniting with an old flame?
I met him when I was in my late teens and him in his early twenties. I was in an on/off complicated relationship with my boyfriend when i met him (now ex-husband).
We became really close and he fell in love with me. He knew I had a boyfriend and that it was complicated. He waited 7 years for me to be with him and we were in and out of contact during this time. He even waited after I got married although we had no contact at this point.

After my divorce we spoke a few times and it was like rewinding the years back. The chemistry was still there. He lives abroad and last year called me to say he was at the airport and had just arrived in London. I told him I was in Cornwall and wouldn't be back for 10 days. When I got back to London he changed his mind about seeing me and decided that he didn't want anything to do with me.

I have tried reaching out to him since but he has said he isn't interested. I just feel like if we meet in person I will be able to see if he still has feelings and or get closure. I love him and it took losing him for me to realise that.

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 23/08/2019 06:07

Sorry op, he said he's not interested so move on

Lusheiver · 23/08/2019 06:12

Have you lost the weight now? How long since he told you he’s not interested and wants nothing to do with you? How old is your child?

WereYouHareWhenIWasFox · 23/08/2019 06:14

It was probably just a booty call while he was back in the country. Shame though, as you had done all that juicing for him. 🙄

Verily1 · 23/08/2019 06:19

The juice diet thing is one of the most outrageous things I’ve ever seen on MN!

Seriously you actually blew him off to lose a couple of lbs?!?

Men don’t give a flying fuck about shit like that.

I’m sorry you’ve been in an abusive relationship but you need a serious amount of therapy before you get involved with anyone else. Your ideas about relationships are massively skewed!

And where does your dc fit into all of this?

motherheroic · 23/08/2019 06:26

You've wasted 7 years of his life already. Leave him alone.

Lovingthesunshine88 · 23/08/2019 06:43

G

SockMachine · 23/08/2019 06:47

OP, you will be doing yourself the best good if you invest time in yourself before embarking on another relationship.

Do The Freedom Programme.
Seek counselling for your self esteem issues
Heal from the effect of a long term abusive relationship before you even think of flinging yourself at this man. Or anyone.

I suspect he has come to the conclusion that while you are in your current state you cannot know whether you love him or not.

EmpressJewel · 23/08/2019 08:01

Your posts are all about you. You can't expect him to drop everything his if life when it suits you.

I suspect he's probably moved on.

I agree with other poster, maybe focus on yourself and maybe it will eventually work out.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 23/08/2019 08:09

Think it through OP!

You say you have talked... I am assuming you mean via social media, so you have exchanged messages.. you may have read more into them than he intended.

He happened to visit the UK and asked if you fancied a coffee... you, believing it to be Karma, wanted to delay meeting until you were perfect and he shrugged and said whatver... then seems decided that maybe you were reading far more into it than he had realised and has backed off. Or was hurt by your repeated rejection and has decided you are not good for his mental health.

NOW, to prove him right, you are fantasising about buying a plane ticket and dropping yourself into his life...

You need to be kind to yourself. This isn't going to help you. Back off, take care of your self esteem. Good luck

Icecreamsoda99 · 23/08/2019 08:19

I'm being strongly reminded of Amelia in Vanity Fair, keep in mind OP even though she got him back in the end it wasn't all she thought it would be.

It's been a year since he told you he wasn't interested, you need to leave it and concentrate on you and your child. Your self esteem needs building up, if he had truly loved you 7lbs or more isn't going to make a difference to that. It's easy to be misty eyed about what ifs and white knights, but the truth remains that if he really was "the one" you would have left your boyfriend/husband for him years ago.

Jillyhilly · 23/08/2019 08:23

All this “in love / meant to be” stuff is so strange, juvenile and irrelevant to your life. Your priority is now your child, not chasing round the world after some bloke.

You’re fixating on this guy. It’s a distraction from your life, but that’s all it is. It’s understandable after what you’ve been through, but the focus should be on fully recovering from the abusive relationship and then setting yourself up so that you never find your self in that situation again. Therapy and Freedom Programme for you - no more relationships until you have explored your past relationship fully. And even then, tiptoe in very slowly indeed.

AwdBovril · 23/08/2019 08:29

You're not serious, surely. Let this guy go. He tried to rekindle things - you weren't interested. Why would he be willing to try now that you're finally ready?
And I'm talking as someone who got back with an old flame, & it worked out.

Whoops75 · 23/08/2019 08:36

Don’t look for him
Focus on your kids a while and heal from your bad relationship.

Groovee · 23/08/2019 08:41

Think sometimes we have to accept that somethings are best left in the past.

whattodowith · 23/08/2019 08:46

You need to focus on your child and on healing yourself after an abusive marriage.

Don’t pursue this guy, he isn’t interested and you have better things to do.

pooopypants · 23/08/2019 09:02

Sounds like he isn't interested

Did you actually speak to him or just messaging?

Deal with your own self esteem issues before looking for a new relationship

AlexaAmbidextra · 23/08/2019 09:04

Oh do grow up.

Redglitter · 23/08/2019 09:12

He waited 7 years for me to be with him

Did he though or was that just your interpretation of things

MakeItRain · 23/08/2019 09:16

I think you're just in love with a fantasy. Otherwise you'd have met up ages ago, and jumped at the chance of seeing him rather than put him off for ten days. I remember thinking I was in love with someone, but in hindsight, after he moved about 3 hours away, we never actually arranged to meet up! Just spoke on the phone or wrote each other (slightly obsessive) letters. He then decided he wasn't interested too, and ghosted me. But I look back and realise that if I'd been interested in him I'd have been on the first train out to actually see him.

I think given you turned down the chance of actually meeting shows you're really in love with the idea of him, but not him.

Do what others have suggested, work on your self esteem, get into exercise and an interest and think about a relationship when you feel calmer and more confident. Not when you think someone will only like you if you crash diet for 10 days. No one is worth it if they genuinely did feel like that about you. Flowers

SilverySurfer · 23/08/2019 09:20

He's not even your ex, you were in a relationship with your BF/DH during the whole period.

He has told you he isn't interested so it sounds like he has sensibly moved on and you should do the same. You are being ridiculous to think he will change his mind if you meet, and as he doesn't even live in the UK, what sort of relationship would it be?

Also, are you just going to abandon your child while flying out on this wild goose chase? It's really time to start being an adult.

Blondieg · 23/08/2019 09:27

I'm sorry that you've been through a rough relationship but think you are confusing boredom and loneliness with lost love. He isn't your knight that will give you a happy ending.
Spend some time single and concentrate your energy on loving yourself and your child before loving another

TheRealShatParp · 23/08/2019 09:35

Tell me more about this juice diet.

ThatCurlyGirl · 23/08/2019 09:39

Go juicing in Cornwall is going to be my new cancel the cheque / scream at the Sistine chapel Smile

Miniloso · 23/08/2019 09:45

Maybe he saw you and realised you were not in Cornwall and that you were lying. No way back from that.

TrendyNorthLondonTeen · 23/08/2019 09:52

This is gonna be good...

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