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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Presents from dss

63 replies

user1486076606 · 22/08/2019 20:26

Me and my DP have been together for 4 years. We have a DD age 2 and DSS age 5. We have DSS every weekend and more through the holidays. Any advice on who should be buying my DP birthday and Xmas pressies. I'm thinking it should be me to take both children out to shop for presents. But DP ex has other ideas and always wants to get him stuff which he does not need. I tried having a word with her but she thinks she should be the one to take DSS out to buy his dad presents. AIBU to think she should not be buying her ex presents even if she says it's from her son when it's clearly more from her.

OP posts:
Pipandmum · 22/08/2019 20:31

If his ex wants to and say it’s from her son fine - I think it’s her son her job. Christmas presents are not about what you need anyway.

Vasya · 22/08/2019 20:33

Can't you both just do it independently of each other?

UpsydaisyandIgglePiggleareatit · 22/08/2019 20:36

I think you are yes...
My ex and I have always done presents to each other from our daughter. She is older though so she does pick them herself and it’s me or him she wants to help her do so.
I think you could also get him something from DSS if you want to, but if he wants to get something with his mum too that’s fine.
When I purchase the things for my ex they are not from me, I’m just providing the money for my daughter to get him something.
If DSS is having no input into the gifts at all that might be a bit different though. Is he helping choose or is it a case of she goes and gets something and then puts his name on it?

Original poster
user1486076606 · 22/08/2019 20:51

He has no input at all. She buys him stuff like boxers and cheap knock off aftershave that smells like wee. I'd totally understand if it was a best dad in the world cup or something like that.

OP posts:
user1493494961 · 22/08/2019 20:55

I'd pick your battles to be honest.

Ponoka7 · 22/08/2019 21:01

Both do it. She's using it to be passive aggressive. But as you aren't paying, it can go straight in the bin.

user1493413286 · 22/08/2019 21:01

I would just take him with you to buy something from him and your DC then what she gets him can be an extra.
I think a lot of mums are happy to pass this job on to a new partner rather than buy for an ex but I’m a big fan of picking your battles and I don’t think this is worth making a big deal of

Herocomplex · 22/08/2019 21:05

Please don’t let your DSS see you throw it in the bin if you decide to do that.

Butterfly02 · 22/08/2019 21:06

I help DSC pick for their dad however for first few years DSC mum would also buy present - I let her get on with it as I didn't want to cause a scene (for some reason it suddenly just stopped don't know if DSC said they'd already got something with me). Dp still takes his DC shopping for a gift for there mum as she's single.

Fatasfooook · 22/08/2019 21:07

I think it’s weird that you expect presents from a 5 year old, we never do adult presents from the kids.

ElektraUnchained · 22/08/2019 21:11

Tbh this is a battle not worth having. Let her do what she wants and perhaps also give DSS the option to pick something small for his Dad when out with you and help him 'pay' for it.

Does your DP help his DS get inexpensive presents for his mum? It would be a nice thing to do. And takes the high road.

Your DSS's feelings are the primary consideration in this particular scenario.

Original poster
user1486076606 · 22/08/2019 21:14

Think I'll do as most of you say. Take dc with me to buy pressies and if ex wants to buy him some tat then just get rid of it. DSS never even knows what's in the box anyway.

OP posts:
BarrenFieldofFucks · 22/08/2019 21:17

It sounds a little bit like you are this as some sort of ownership battle...as if because he is your partner now you get to dictate this stuff.

But really the primary relationship/ownership here is that of father and son, and she is his mother. It seems only natural to me that she should be involved. If you also want to take him then fine, but you don't get to stake a claim here.

If dss is only 5 does this mean you got together when he was 1?

smileylottie87 · 22/08/2019 21:21

Does your DH like the gifts? Surely it would be up to him to get rid of them if he doesn't want them, not for you to just throw away? I think you both buying the gifts sounds like a lovely solutikn

YouJustDoYou · 22/08/2019 21:23

Our policy is make not buy. Stuff the kids have made means way more personally to dh. There's nothing he wants from the shops, anyway.

Original poster
user1486076606 · 22/08/2019 21:25

No he doesn't and he thinks it weird for his ex to be buying him gifts that his son has no input to. I forgot to mention that in my first post. They are not gifts you would get from a 5yo

OP posts:
lostfrequencies · 22/08/2019 21:26

I think you're being really mean.

smileylottie87 · 22/08/2019 21:33

Ahh sorry, thank you for clarifying. I'd just keep doing the gifts from both of you, no need to rock the boat if you can donate or bin the gifts he doesn't like

pikapikachu · 22/08/2019 21:33

She's probably doing it because he buys her gifts and it feels weird to receive a gift and not reciprocate even if it's an ex.

summersherewishiwasnt · 22/08/2019 21:41

Let her get on with it. She is teaching her child the birthday ritual and so are you. It’s petty to try and influence what she does with regards to gifts. It doesn’t matter really, lucky bins are emptied every fortnite.

Original poster
user1486076606 · 22/08/2019 21:45

But he doesn't buy her gifts. Which I told him he should as she is single. But let his son pick. And lostferquencies why am I being mean. Would you be ok if your dp ex was buying him tat and stuff that shouldn't be brought by a ex. I would happily make things with the kids. Me and my dd always make homemade cards but the ex insist on buying the biggest card ever.

OP posts:
georgialondon · 22/08/2019 21:48

Surely both can do it.

Boots20 · 22/08/2019 21:55

You sound kind of spiteful, who cares if the stuff his son & his mum buy him is crap by your standards it's the thought that counts, does she sign her name on the biggest card ever or is it signed from his son? It is her son & you cant stop him buying presents for his dad with his mum

Original poster
user1486076606 · 22/08/2019 22:04

Totally missing the point. IT'S NOT HIM PICKING THE PRESENTS. He has nothing to do with the presents she gives him. Once again they are presents a five year old would not pick. Anyway I will take the advice of others and take dc to buy appropriate presents for there dad and let the ex buy presents from herself.

OP posts:
Waveysnail · 22/08/2019 22:17

Let it go. Not worth a confrontation over. And yes dss should be taken to pick something for his mum

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