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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Presents from dss

63 replies

user1486076606 · 22/08/2019 20:26

Me and my DP have been together for 4 years. We have a DD age 2 and DSS age 5. We have DSS every weekend and more through the holidays. Any advice on who should be buying my DP birthday and Xmas pressies. I'm thinking it should be me to take both children out to shop for presents. But DP ex has other ideas and always wants to get him stuff which he does not need. I tried having a word with her but she thinks she should be the one to take DSS out to buy his dad presents. AIBU to think she should not be buying her ex presents even if she says it's from her son when it's clearly more from her.

OP posts:

NoSauce · 22/08/2019 22:21

Has there been other issues with you both before this OP? It sounds like she’s kicking back at you telling that it should be you buying the presents.

taytosandwich · 22/08/2019 22:26

Why don't you all stop being so fucking childish and think about the child in the middle of all your petty squabbling

user1473878824 · 22/08/2019 22:33

You’re being unreasonable. If we have him in time I will get something with DSS for DP and he usually will have got a present/card with DP’s ex too. It REALLY doesn’t matter.

user1473878824 · 22/08/2019 22:34

@taytosandwich I think this so often about posts like this I think it’s raising my blood pressure enough that I no longer have to go to the gym.

Sparrowlegs248 · 22/08/2019 22:35

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

WhyBirdStop · 22/08/2019 22:39

Wow you're a charmer and clearly so is your 'D'P he doesn't help his son to buy a gift for his mother, when his son is far too young to do it himself, and then complains about the quality of the gifts he receives in the reverse situation. Lovely. Maybe she isn't keen to spend money or put a lot of thought into it because he doesn't bother, and maybe her insistence on buying the father of her child a gift, is because it's their child and it's the right thing to do.

Walnutwhipster · 22/08/2019 22:39

You seem determined she's wrong but YABU!

Ember12 · 22/08/2019 22:43

Why are boxers and aftershave inappropriate gifts?

Livelovebehappy · 22/08/2019 23:00

I had some sympathy when reading your first post, but then you’ve got increasingly nasty in your others. In the grand scheme of things does it really matter who buys the gifts? Just let it go and stop investing so much negative energy on this.

Original poster

user1486076606 · 22/08/2019 23:05

@taytosandwich I am thinking about the child in the middle not being able to buy his dad a gift because his ex does it for him instead of letting him do it. Obviously my post has been miss undrestood.

OP posts:

Boots20 · 22/08/2019 23:24

Okay now you just sound batshit crazy & so insecure. They are presents ffs calm yourself down it's not a present competition

millespadpuddy · 22/08/2019 23:44

I don't think she should be buying him underpants.....

AnAC12UCOinanOCG · 22/08/2019 23:57

Stop using your stepson to deal with your insecurities. I'd say the same to his mother if she were posting.

Always ask yourself what's best for the innocent child, not two grown women playing stupid power games.

StroppyWoman · 23/08/2019 00:03

YABU and a bit of a nutter on this thread.

DSS is a CHILD. If his Mummy takes him to buy presents for his Daddy, that's ideal for a tiny wee boy. If Mummy choses things for him, that's also lovely. He's tiny, bless him, and you're making this about your issues.

Please get a sense of perspective.
It's not about you
It's not about your partner
It's not about a pissing contest with his ex.

Just let him give presents to his Dad and cheer him on like a caring stepmum. You can be better than this.

user1473878824 · 23/08/2019 00:04

He’s a child of course she buys them just like you do. What’s the difference? You let him pick? You think a child is going to choose something useful and needed?

anxiousnow · 23/08/2019 00:13

Yabvu really. You just jealous and judgemental. Her buying boxers or cheap aftershave doesn't mean she wants to steal him. Leave them be. Seems she needs to be teaching son about giving as his Dad clearly isn't by not buying her anything from him. Don't understand why it bothers you at all.

fluffyjumper · 23/08/2019 00:21

I think you are missing the point that dss likes giving his dad a gift. Dss mum probably thinks she is being thoughtful and wants to prove her ds a nice gift for his dad. I only ever try to give thoughtful gifts and some people may hate my taste and thing its tacky. But it's the thought that counts.
You do sound a bit insecure about it all and I can understand why but try and forget that side of it, it only hurts you.

000000pppp · 23/08/2019 00:32

Sorry got locked out. DSS doesn't even know anything about the gifts till the ex brings them. But yes your all right I'm a massive insecure twat as you called me and I should keep my mouth shut in future and let the ex pick presents. And not let his son do it. Thank you all so much for your advice.

Ember12 · 23/08/2019 00:57

Hes 5 OP! I buy my young children presents for people they dont care what it is just excited to give people a present! You really need to get a grip! Poor kid

flamingjune123 · 23/08/2019 08:51

A gift from a 5 year old should only be a token / fun item. It really doesn't matter if it's nasty aftershave, it's the thought and effort behind it.
The gift should, imo, be bought by the child's parent and not the step parent so YABU and sound as if you're taking it all too seriously.
I would buy for my ex from the children and he would buy for me even though we were both in new relationships. It was nothing to do with our partners. The children would choose something for a certain token amount of money and it would, more than likely, be awful and tacky!

Vasya · 23/08/2019 08:53

I strongly disagree that you should bin them. That could clearly cause upset to the child, even if he didn't pick the gifts.

user1471449295 · 23/08/2019 09:00

Her son = her right to take him shopping for dads presents. Stop being so controlling.

AE18 · 23/08/2019 09:41

Every Fathers Day my partner has to decide whether to bother with the antagonism of reminding his ex he doesn't want gifts from her.

It sounds like your situation is exactly the same as mine - my partner and I both think it's stupid to give gifts from a child they had zero input on and think it sends entirely the wrong message to a child who is supposed to be learning about doing nice things for other people. He also doesn't want to have to sit there and pretend to be thrilled about some piece of tat from his least favourite person in the world, and then have to keep it on display forever and have SS cry "my mum bought that!" every time he comes.

From my SSs point of view, it's either a gift from him that he was not expected to put any degree of thought or effort into but still gets to take the credit for, or it's a gift from his mum. My partner strongly dislikes the message either of those is sending to his son, so I totally get where you're coming from.

If I were you I would ask him if he helped choose it himself, and if he says no, say ok me and you will go out and you can pick something yourself/sit down and make something. It doesn't necessarily require a confrontation but will help to enforce that if you're giving someone a gift you really ought to actually be involved in picking it, or you haven't really done a nice, caring gesture at all.

NerdyBird · 23/08/2019 11:38

I usually make sure my DSC buy for their dad. This is mostly because I know their mother won't and because they live with us so it's easier.
DH would also make sure they got something for their mum.

They are older now so can do it more easily on their own but may still need reminding, ferrying to the shop and providing with cash!

My (our) dd loves picking presents for people and with gentle guidance can choose nice stuff.

I would just let this one go though OP. As you've said, you can include him if you're getting stuff with your daughter and his mum can do it too if she wants. But if your husband would rather mum didn't it's up to him to deal with that not you.

SomebodysPerson · 23/08/2019 11:42

I think the default should always be the parents child, and if they are unwilling then the step parent should.

My DH and his ex used to buy for each other on their sons behalf until it just became embarrassingly bad (a few packets of sweets in a Tesco carrier bag for my DH!). I always got a little something from him to, as did his stepdad for his mum, from him. So in the end I think DH just text her and said "I know Stepdad buys you presents from our son, and you know my other half buys for me from our son, and neither of us seem to be putting much effort in anymore - are you happy for us to stop buying for each other?". She was more than happy with that.

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