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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Presents from dss

63 replies

user1486076606 · 22/08/2019 20:26

Me and my DP have been together for 4 years. We have a DD age 2 and DSS age 5. We have DSS every weekend and more through the holidays. Any advice on who should be buying my DP birthday and Xmas pressies. I'm thinking it should be me to take both children out to shop for presents. But DP ex has other ideas and always wants to get him stuff which he does not need. I tried having a word with her but she thinks she should be the one to take DSS out to buy his dad presents. AIBU to think she should not be buying her ex presents even if she says it's from her son when it's clearly more from her.

OP posts:

000000pppp · 23/08/2019 12:25

Thank you @AE18 for understanding where I am coming from. I think a lot of people have take this post the wrong way. I'll will take your advice.

dollydaydream114 · 23/08/2019 12:41

It is absolutely fine for DSS's mum to arrange his gift for his dad.

You do come across as being quite bitter and spiteful. Like her or not, your DP's ex is the mother of his child and will therefore always be in your lives to a degree. She is DSS's mum and it's perfectly normal and fine that she would choose a gift 'from DSS' for his dad. It really doesn't matter what the gifts are. If your DP doesn't like them all he has to do is make a big fuss of DSS and say thank you to him and then quietly put them away. And it's fine for those gifts to be boxers or aftershave or whatever - you're being incredibly jealous and possessive about what is clearly a token gift.

Your DP, by the way, should absolutely be buying DSS's gifts for his ex. Regardless of what he thinks of his ex, his son is too little to arrange gifts and therefore he should be sorting this out so DSS has something (card or present) to give to his mum on her birthday/Mother's Day.

SuzieQ10 · 23/08/2019 12:45

If DSS's mother wants to buy DSS's father a present, that's completely up to her. Her and your partner share a child together (who is only 5!) and that can be a strong bond. Especially if they were in a relationship previously.

Why would you throw these presents in the bin. It's not for you to do that. You sound bitter.

Armadillostoes · 23/08/2019 12:47

Why don't you help your DSS to make something to give to his Dad? A picture or a cupcake? That would have come from the child in a more meaningful way, and sidesteps the drama of rival shop bought stuff.

AmIThough · 23/08/2019 12:49

Seriously how jealous are you?!

She should buy your DH's presents from DSS and vice versa.

Your DH is horrible for not buying presents for her from DSS.

It's not even about them as parents - it's about teaching their child life lessons.

MardyMavis · 23/08/2019 12:57

You are being jealous by the looks of it....he's her child the kid probably chooses the "tacky" shit but either way it's not your business it's between them.

howdyalikemenow · 23/08/2019 13:12

Why are boxers and aftershave 'tat'?

Thehouseintheforest · 23/08/2019 13:32

OP you forgot the cardinal rule of MN.

*You are a step mother therefore you are wrong whatever the question is. Especially if the issue involves the ex wife.
*
Personally I am staggered at the lack of logic and basic reading comprehension . I don't know how much clearer you could make it but seems blindingly obvious to me that this 'poor wee boy' has absolutely no input whatsoever with presents to his father. At 5 yrs old he is more than capable of going to the shops with his mother OR you and choosing something for his father.

No I do not think you sound either unreasonable nor jealous. Just annoyed at the inappropriateness of the presents. Not sure what children the rest of you have raised but I can't think of a single 5yr old who would visit the shops and choose boxers or aftershave for their father . ! This is the POINT of the post. The ex is buying inappropriate presents. If she were buying something obviously chosen by the child then I don't expect the OP would have the slightest issue. But she's not.

In which case OP, yes. Step in. Take DSS to the shops or make something . He should be giving his father something either chosen OR made by him.

000000pppp · 23/08/2019 13:36

Thank you all for all your negative posts. But think I'll take advice from the people that understand where I'm coming from. I could go in to a lot more details about the situation and the fact my partner and his ex were never in a relationship and it was a one nightstand and other things about the ex but will just get put down again. So going to leave it at that. Thanks to everyone for there advice.

Thehouseintheforest · 23/08/2019 13:41

Just for a clue .. 'appropriate' for a father is ;
A mug,
A nice photo of son (alone) in a frame that he chooses.
Something small related to any hobby dad may have.
Tickets (if money allows) to some activity that Dad would enjoy as much as son. Sport event, day out. etc.
Camping equipment like a tent if DF enjoys that.

'Inappropriate '
Underwear
Tickets to activities previously enjoyed with ex. (Unless something that Son and DF would equally enjoy alone)
Aftershave - cheap or otherwise. Aftershave is fine if DF has a favourite and chosen by an older child. Otherwise this is the domain of the man himself or current partner.

negomi90 · 23/08/2019 13:46

My parents split when I was a baby, my mum always picked out socks or underwear for me to give to my dad for birthday/Christmas. As I got older I started having more input into picking the types of socks and underwear.
You need to let this go.

anxiousnow · 23/08/2019 16:31

I think a wider issue is why it matters so much to you. I'd be more concerned about that. Hardly hard pretending to like a present you don't actually like is it, if your partner and AE18 finds that so hard, really that's more of an issue than this. Doesn't matter if one night stand or not, they made that child together. If you really want to be such a good role model why not take your stepson to buy his Mum a present.

AE18 · 23/08/2019 17:56

@anxiousnow

The main reason it annoys my partner isn't because of what the present is - he's been far more pleased with a packet of Haribo his son got him because he picked it himself. He doesn't like presents that are dressed up as being from his son that he had no input in picking - we both feel that gifts from children should be picked or made by them, or they are pointless. My SS is the kind of kid that has everything done for him and would greatly benefit from more encouragement to think about others, so it is not helping him grow as a person and is just making him increasingly self absorbed.

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