To think if you're skint, it affects your children's outcomes in life

[racetogether]

We have always been skint. We don't particularly have a good quality of life- very small house, needs alot of work, no Garden, . My kids have never been away on a holiday, they don't have bikes- we can't afford it. We can't afford trips out even it it's free as we need take into account cost of petrol so they are few and far between. Things like going to zoos etc is out of the question. They've been wanting to join a football club for several years but at £40/m there's no chance.

I feel sad for my kids. They don't have the same opportunities as I would have liked to have given them. I have mental health issues and suffer from depression on and off and this also I find affects the way I parent.

I feel I'm really letting my kids down.

Ok the other hand, their friends holiday regular ansn

OP if you haven't already, I suggest you get on to Moneysavingexpert.com, have a good read, and then post a statement of affairs. It's about making the most of the money and the opportunities you do have, and there are people there who will be able to help.

Sign up for allotment. Growing and selling food both good activity for children and way to earn money for other things to do. Other people at allotment very helpful, give me free plants and seeds, help me learn. Mine is short walk away.

Have you looked on council website for children’s activities or local noticeboards and free papers. I used to live in a very deprived northern town and to be fair the council used to do a lot of stuff free for children as did local churches. We were near a big park and I noticed a sign saying a friends of x park had a children’s session once a month. We turned up and no one else came just a few children who were relatives of the volunteers. They did all sorts and all free.

That's plain rude and unfair @Jaxhog

Our parents were skint.

It’s not the life either of us would want.

We did something about it.

Why don’t you do something positive to earn more instead of making excuses. Being poor is your choice.

My dad grew up with little money, moving between relatives places as one of his parents died early. Life was hard but he had plenty of good times too doing free stuff like catching spiders or playing jacks. He learnt to help a lot with household jobs while young and it certainly helped when he had his own family - v hands on, which was unusual in his generation.

I'm sorry OP but yes your children are being denied these experiences in life and what's more alarming is they will see this as 'normal' and they may also repeat your cycle.

You haven't said what you both do for work? Could you retrain to get a better paid job? Do you own your property? Could you consider moving to somewhere with more opportunities?

Do you have quite a lot of children, or debt? I work part time and DH works full time in low paying jobs in a crap northern town, and even when DH went through a spell of unemployment we could afford bikes and activities for the children - second hand, and budgeting wasn't fun, but it was doable. I think we have quite a decent lifestyle at the moment actually, we decided early on to sacrifice massive holidays and cars for a better work life balance, but our children want for nothing and have some really great opportunities now and in the future. In a general sense YABU but I'm wondering why you're struggling quite so much when you both work and live in a cheap area

OP i agree with you that not having much money can greatly affect your life and Children’s lives. I also agree with the above poster though, that with the love and encouragement that you can give, they don’t have to become a statistic.

I’m not surprised it’s bringing you down, everyone wants to give their children the best. Are you willing to post some financial details and maybe we can all pitch in (hopefully) useful and helpful ideas? I’ve seen some amazing tips and ideas on here over the years. Even if you can scrape back £20 a month it could help. Moneysavingexpert is great too.

Yes it’s a bit shit being skint but you can do lots of stuff for free.

Geocaching.
Walks and picnics.
Get stuff off freecycle like bikes, games.
Some museums are free.
Do your kids qualify for pupil premium? Ask at school about how this extra funding is used. Our primary ran some after school clubs like basket ball and dodgeball which low income families could access for free and were given priority.
Do you have a local sure start or childrens centre? They sometimes run activities or can let you know about free stuff.
Ask on local facebook pages about free activities/days out. There might be things you are not aware of.
Go to the library.
Holidays don’t have to be a week. Could you run to an overnight stay? Could you borrow camping equipment and go to a cheap site for a couple of nights. I realise there may literally be no room in the budget for this but just a thought.

Your children are growing up in the same environment I did and I turned out okay in the end, run my own business, own a nice house etc. Went off the rails a bit in my teens though. I did have a dad with a good job/nice house etc and it made me aspire to be more like him than my mum who didn't work and was rubbish with money. My sister, however, who mostly grew up with two parents and plenty of money/holidays (in the time before my mum was too poorly to work) is still struggling with life in her 40's, and her kids have gone completely off kilter, despite her having a very good and well paid job, and still never having any money to show for it. She inherited my mum's way with money 🙄.
Anyway, my point is, it doesn't actually matter if you have money or not. Your kids will grow up in whatever manner you have taught them.

Oh and have a look on moneysavingexpert.com. The forums in particular are great. Especially the ‘Debt free wannabe’ board. So much advice.

There is a flip side to growing up in poverty. I grew up in poverty and I've lived in it. Like another poster I left education early because I didn't have the financial support (or emotional support) to go any further in education. It didn't make me good with money. To go from not even managing my own pocket money to having a fulltime wage was a disaster.

I earned quite well for a good period of time in the run u[p to meeting ex-H and have nothing but a few designer handbags to show for it. I spent every penny I earned. I'm still the same. It's a deeply ingrained habit I try and fail to break. I've recently gone though a period of being skint and depressed and unable to see a way out. Now I have a more than full-time job again I'm back to buying all of the things, all of the time. I need to buy the things while I can afford to buy the things.

I am better this time around. I make sure my bills are paid, I've paid into my pension and a small amount is set aside in savings but we'd have a lot more savings if I didn't buy every eyeshadow palette Beauty Bay emails me about. However I survived both abusive parents and an abusive ex-H, so maybe that's the difference between me and all these people who poverty made better.

In short, OP, even though you don't have much I would still teach your kids about saving and money where possible. No-one taught me and it's not an easy skill to master when you suddenly go from £0 a month to £1200 per month. If someone had taught me how to manage money and pushed me through education I feel my life would have turned out differently.

I grew up like this and it really made me never want to live that way when I grew up and certainly not for a child of mine. The difference was back then all my friends were in the same situation but we knew different. Theres lot of good suggestions on the thread about little things you can do. Sorry op, the pressure on parents today is immense.

It can affect their outcome but its all about the way you look at it... If you help them to study hard, support them do activities with them I'm sure they will look back fondly and not care about materialistic things...

How many DC do you have OP & what are their ages?

If you give more detail people can probably come up with ideas that suit their ages etc.

Borrow books from the library. Read with them. Get them to read by themselves. Research things together, like animals, space, dinosaurs… My head was in imaginary lands and science experiments all day. We went on one holiday a year (to Blackpool) and didn’t have enough money for nice days out all the time (though we went on a few). But I was awesome at English, Maths and Science and did amazing at school.

This sounds a lot like my childhood (except I am not and was not then anything like awesome at Maths and Science ). I knew we didn't have money but never felt deprived or bored. Our holiday once a year (if that) was WILDLY exciting and day trips hardly less so.

I remember a lot of making things out of junk when my parents did DIY etc; watching and hatching moths and butterflies in the garden shed; finding out about things like space and animals (as a smallish child I set up and ran a 'Nature Club' of which I was the sole member for looking for animal pawprints in the park, stencilling leaves etc. I produced a newsletter for it and everything.

Maybe they were different times (late 70s–early 80s) but I still refuse to believe that kids need a lot of stuff and formal activities to be happy.

OP - it’s tough but with love and some creativity you can provide amazing childhood. I think kids appreciate a parent that listens and loves them and does their best. I think that’s better than doing activities and having holidays away.

Do you budget, I mean properly budget? Do you know where every single last penny of your money goes? Do you smoke? Drink alcohol? Have Sky? Have you checked you've got the best energy deal? Do you shop at Lidl / Aldi / Home Bargins / B&M?

Assuming you're not already cut back to the bone on shopping etc, it should be achievable to save £5-15/week on shopping without a major impact. There was a thread about someone living off I think 200/month for their family for food, hard but doable.

If you want to provide some of the more tangible or experiences to your children, and your finances are really this tight, you'll need to compromise else where.

If you feel your location is a deciding factor, then you should seriously look at the options of moving to a better location with more job prospects. If for no other reason than your children will likely have a better chance of success.

There are lots of options for making additional income - especially if your time is essentially free. Local takeaways etc often need leaflets delivering, someone else mentioned Ironing, offer your services as a cleaner. I presume you have free time in which case no matter how little you earn from the task is of benefit to you.

It's a harsh reality to face, but as someone above said - there is a pissed off element that their mother didn't try that little bit harder. You can always try harder - especially if you feel your children are missing out to this extent.

YANBU. And especially because on every one of these threads, all of them, you also face the stigma of the Victorian idea that poverty is entirely a personal and moral failing and therefore a choice. Hence, 'Why don't you get a better job? Why did you have kids? Take on more hours. Why do you need a car? What do you do? How old are you?

Of course it affects them! It's a cycle and social mobility is declining in the UK. So more can be punished and blamed for their poverty.

Does it effect? Yes. Do you feel that your life is a bit miserable? I am guessing you do.

I am afraid I can't really understand because I've always had more than enough money to do what I wanted when I wanted. Not that I've ever had a highflying career but even when I was 13 I had two or three pub Jobs and babysitting and stuff so I always had quite a bit of money and I had 3 jobs when I was at uni working in an ice cream parlour, serving pints etc and I've always had quite a bit of money (not a huge amount, but always enough) but I'm afraid that doesn't help you!!

You see what I mean, OP, you can always try harder or it's your fault. You can move (that one is hilarious, given the incredible barriers people on low-incomes face accessing secure, decent rental housing (there are families with severely disabled children living in fucking shipping containers here, people)), you can definitely earn more money, you smoke/drink/have Sky, Lidl/Aldi/B&M are in every part of the UK . . .

totally get it OP. Until this year we were so in debt we considered moving to Dubai for dh to get a job. This year is the first year the kids can go to swimming lessons ( eldest is nearly 12), and they've all just got their first bikes since they were toddlers and are now learning to ride them. We did/do all the free stuff and when it's your only option, it can be even more depressing, saying that some of our best times were on the beach or hiking. We've scraped through Christmas, done the barest of minimums for birthdays and lied to skip occasions and a few times school because of no petrol, pretended to have forgotten things for school, had no heating, survived on pasta, cereals and a bag of apples etc. The kids picked up on it sometimes, didn't notice others. The major times they did notice was when we were stressed and arguing but we hid that sometimes too. We promised we wouldnt turn iinto a family that bickered or cursed at each other ( we were going that way)Sometimes they get used to no, but in a good way, a who cares way and that will do them good. They've still got opportunities because of school so don't worry about that, everyone honestly has a chance! Do what people said about the free bikes and also if you want to teach them music there's a good homes to musical instruments for free website here in Ireland, there might be a UK one. We went to govt agencies for help, can you do this? Also id echo what people said to see if there is extra work anyone can do. And tonight, do any one thing that makes you feel pampered, a hot shower, a bath, nail varnish. Get out some paper with the kids and play the who am I game, or watch a movie, this sounds awful, but I used to find these little things picked me up. And hugs and best of luck

Another one from a poor family. I never learnt to roller skate or ice skate, swim or ride a bike. I really feel like I missed out. Unlike a previous poster I think it does matter and I didn’t have the childhood experiences to prepare me for later life. Having said that, my dad always had money for the pub and fags so maybe we weren’t that poor, he just didn’t prioritise me.

Trips to the cinema, Christmas panto and holidays were really rare and I missed out so much compared to my peers.

I wish I could say that growing up poor doesn’t matter but it does. I have friends who today, struggle financially but it doesn’t stop them doing things for their kids. They use freecycle, groupon and save vouchers for days out from places like Tesco’s. I think their children’s experiences will be much better than what mine was because the parents choose to spend time giving their children good experiences even if they don’t cost a lot.

I guess I am trying to say being poor is a disadvantage but there are ways a parent can ameliorate this and ensure their children have a good childhood.

@MummyJasmin

I think @Jaxhog comment is fair, but it's harsh to hear. The OP stated they've always been skint and had a poor life. I know many many people who have chosen to be single child families because to have additional children would be detrimental to their existing child.

It's controversial, but assuming the OP is in England, having a child is always a choice.