When did you come back..if you did?

[Sundancer77]

‘I remain fascinated by where you go as a woman when you become a mother, and if you ever come back’

Rachel Cusk

Thoughts? Did you disappear when you became a Mum, did you ever come back to yourself is so?

I definitely “woke up” recently and realised I’d missed 10 years of technological advancement, a new level of ‘politically correct’ acceptable speech, ironically coupled with some crazy right wing governments worldwide, new music, a new urgency in the state of the planet, general stuff like that. I’m slowly getting over the shock. That’s what it means to me.

As a person I’ve changed, but I don’t see myself as disappeared in anyway, just different.

The person I was when I got pregnant form the first time is unrecognisable to me now.
'Previous me' has gone. 'Mother' is here now. Everything I do is coloured by the children. I love them and wouldn't change having them but 'she' has gone away and I don't think she can return even if she wanted to.

Absoloutly do not agree with this at all. I'm still me. In fact I'd say improved. Kinder. More patient. More resilient. Harder working. More tolarant. More tired. Less free time. But still me.

That seems really sad, I assumed would be a period of adjustment, obviously you can’t be exactly the same as you were pre-child, but I really struggle with becoming someone new entirely? Even when I was pregnant, people would say to me ‘Oh you’ll become a completely new person’ and I used to think ‘But what if I don’t want to?!’ 🤷‍♀️
I can’t really put my finger on ‘How’ I’m different but there’s definitely been a change, it’s confusing

I'd say I felt back to 'normal' when I stopped breastfeeding. I have been pregnant or breastfeeding for 5 years and it's nice to feel like my body is my own again. I also found going back to work was a big step towards feeling more like me again

To be honest I find the statement a cross between a load of old cobblers and some new age shite.

After maternity leave. I felt very disconnected from the world (I did have PND) on mat leave. My children are primary school aged now and perhaps it was a bit more gradual but I definitely feel like me, being a mother has never defined me, it's just part of me.

What nonsense. Sounds like another tiresome Facebook meme.

And completely agree with when I stopped BF too (which was the same time I went back to work- 9 months, both times) when I stopped feeling like a vessel! Really struggled being so depended on.

I'm starting to rediscover the old me now my children are old enough to have left home

It’s rubbish really. People evolve and change constantly, technically you’re not even the person you were yesterday ....
I had my oldest when I was 20, and my youngest three years ago and I’m 37 (sigh)
I feel like motherhood set me down a path that’s led to who I am. Not having kids would obviously have different results, so I’m that sense you can’t “go back”
It’s obviously important to try not to be absolutely defined as a mother and nothing else but we are all still humans, all with our own personalities, parents or not I would say

I never went anywhere! Why would you? I don't get it.

I actually find the statement mildly offensive, not sure I can quite pin point the why though. I think it's because of the suggestion that parenthood to a woman leads to changes that are unavoidable.

Would men ever ask the question "I remain fascinated by where you go as a man when you become a father, and if you ever come back". I think the answer would be no. I would vote they likely would NOT, because they do not think of themselves as either "this" (man/woman) vs "that" (father/mother). So, why do we as women subject ourselves to these different standard, and suggest that you cannot have it all?

Anyway, feminist rant out the way - No, I do not believe I have changed since becoming a mother. I have evolved over the years. As I would have with or without children. Whether I would have evolved in the same ways is an unanswerable question. I may have just as easily matured and grown differently if I had got the later bus on Tuesday 17th 2004. Who is to say.

I'm a very different person, feel like I've lost my confidence a bit. Been trying to reintegrate myself into adult society now my youngest is happy to be left with family. Finding out that I have become quite boring and struggle to find things to talk about but then I have been quite absorbed with bringing up little people for the last 6 years. I am trying to address the kids/work/me time balance but its not easy and its the being 'me' that gets neglected.

I only found me again after I split with my husband. Being a mum wasn’t the big killer for me - it was being married to a misery! I am now me again and loving it!

I'm really enjoying those Rachel Cusk talks. So much good stuff on the radio at the moment.

It’s just a load of whiny self indulgent bullshit. Before motherhood I was me. Then I was me with a child. Now I’m me with a child. Have I changed in the last decade? Yes. But I changed in between being 0 and 10, 10 and 20, 20 and 30 too. It’s called growth and experience. No doubt I’ll be changed at 50, 60, 70, etc. I’m still fundamentally me and barring a specific type of head injury or brain illness I will continue to always be me.

God I've always hated Rachel Cusk so much.

She wrote the worst account of a tube journey I've ever read. Once the tube went past Tufnell Park, everyone on it was a scary murderer. She's a complete twonk.

I feel like @BykerBykerOoh.
I feel I’ve not kept up with things.

I have a friend who is definitely the opposite. Not maternal. Had to convince partner to have 1 and now 2 children. BUT they were given a deposit for their home, GPS moved to do childcare. GP now pay school fees. Friend did 2 major university courses since children were born and she doesn’t even see her kids. They are 2 and 6 years. I think she spends no time alone with them. Sometimes I’m jealous but mostly not.

For those belittling the concept that motherhood changes us, don't forget not every woman has a happy transition into motherhood, and it's not all about the tiredness, birth recovery etc. For me it was, I will say it, traumatic. I was young, unprepared and to this day holding a baby brings back a feeling of dread to my core. I felt like I had my life ripped away from me, I had PND, thankfully I did recover and get back to "me" in a new form, but I think it is quite understandable for that many women it is a change they feel they want to revert back from. For dramatic women like me it's how I've described it, for others it's as simple as having the space to be themselves, others completely take it in their stride. But don't underestimate the impact because it affected you differently.

Like a pp said, I've definitely changed since having DC, but I changed when I started my career, when I went to uni, when I left home...etc etc. I'm still me, just me with DC and more life experiences. I won't go back to the 'old' pre-dc me any more than I'll go back to old pre-uni me. Surely that's just how life works?

I was a single mum for 5 years. I started a relationship with my partner when DD was 5 1/2. we moved in together when DD was 7 1/2. Before then i was completely spinning plates. There was zero time for me to remember who I was. Or even discover who I was ( I had DD at 21).

A switch didn't flick when we moved in together and could share responsiblity. It took a good 2 years to start to let go. DD is 10 next month and I love who I am blooming to be.
It helps that my partner is 100% adament that I get time and brain space to just be me. It also helps that at nearly 10 DD is a lot less dependant.

I love my life now. I get the love and bond of my precious daughter but I also get so much freedom. I feel so very blessed

I feel like the statement almost suggests that women are not just changed but are somehow diminished by becoming a mother.
I have changed but surely everyone changes over the course of 10 years! It's made me a more patient person, I have way less judgement and far more compassion. Being a mother encourages me to soften my edges and find the joy in everyday life.

No, I certainly didn't 'go anywhere' or 'disappear'. My priorities changed but I was still 'Me'. Just Me with a different focus and with different objectives. Did I lose a little 'Me time' or 'Me first'? Sure, but that doesn't mean I 'disappeared'. What poppycock!

As far as 'coming back', I wouldn't use those words. But I was able to focus more on myself when my DC reached the teen years, when they were old enough for me to trust their judgement (well, a bit) and give them more autonomy.

If someone feels they've 'lost themselves' in 'Mummydom', then they need to reevaluate how their 'doing' being a mum.

I'm me but better. I'd say I've actually become an adult. I'm a mother of two kids, so yes, I'll be decisive, take control and get shit done.

Having kids has brought out a lot of very positive personality traits in me. More ambitious, give less of a shit about irrelevant things and really boosted my confidence and self esteem.