When did you come back..if you did?

[Sundancer77]

‘I remain fascinated by where you go as a woman when you become a mother, and if you ever come back’

Rachel Cusk

Thoughts? Did you disappear when you became a Mum, did you ever come back to yourself is so?

I think this is pretty offensive too and i certainly have never lost the person I am because I am a mother - i am also lots of other things..... a wife, a daughter, a sister, a friend etc....none of these things reduce or deminish me as a person (and being all these things can be equally as time consuming and stressful as being a mother - as well as equally wonderful!)

In another side to this I have a couple of friends who have changed because they DID NOT have kids. They have shifted their attitudes and peer groups because their "original" life was changed / effected by their nearest and dearest coming to an age where they had children and theirfore their lives altered their interactions with others. So do those people with no children wonder where the person they used to be dissapeared to - probably not, they probably just see it as their life changing and adapting with age........as anyone else should.

I feel like the same person but that I inhabit a different world

I've 'gone'. The pre child me held various senior international roles, travelled extensively, was respected, had a social life, opinions, read, wrote, was financially stable.... I don't think she's ever coming back abs I don't know who I am anymore. I'm now defined as DD's mother, DH's wife etc. I feel I've lost 'me' to motherhood.

After having my DC with my very abusive ex, I have absolutely no idea who I am. I'm definitely not who I was. Being a single mother to twins whilst still scared of the ex, and him still trying to control me 7 years after I left has left me a shell of myself.

We turn into our mother and her mother and all mothers.

Rachel Cusk thinks and writes and that's her identity. Mental space and time to write and be alone are the main things that motherhood has taken from me so I know just what she means.
I think if your life and identity are based on other things you might not feel so much change.

Nope I did not disappear when I became a mum so I had nothing to bounce back from. I have achieved the best career goals since having my dc, am the fittest I have been in ten years and still do all the social things I used to- concerts/ holidays/weekends away.
I think that babies should generally fit into your life, not the other way around. This worked for us and I have a happy well adjusted child.
Obviously there are exceptions when there needs to be more change e.g. children with medical needs or SEN.

It’s just a load of whiny self indulgent bullshit. Amen!

I'm still here - just a lot uglier with crapper hair and a working knowledge of Peppa pig

Sounds a bit of a navel gazer type comment to me.

Oh God is Rachel Cusk still droning on? Her poor children! Or is that an old quote? Either way I find her insufferable.

Nope. I disagree. I can't say I've ever really lost myself. Even when I was really struggling when DS2 was born and didn't sleep and cried and cried and cried. I've always taken time out for myself and made sure I always did things I enjoyed.

I've always hated reading MN threads about empty nest syndrome when kids go off to uni. or people who never go out to dinner and never leave their kids - those two things on mumsnet threads actually really upset me.

I only had one child and from pregnancy did it by myself.
Personally I lost the best bits of myself, the gutsy up for a challenge self, to the worse bits. Drinking wine to dull the tedium, settling, for a secure easier life.
My journey of being a mother that provides for my child is nearly over. However the yearshavr caught up with me. Hoping the brave side isn’t cowed by middle age.

I sort of recognize myself in that question. I never thought of it as “going” somewhere but I do feel like I lost a huge part of myself and I could see how for someone else they could describe it as “going” somewhere. I haven’t “come back” yet and I don’t think that’s what’s going to happen - I’ll need to find a way to rebuild as something new that I like, but that’s not really going to happen fully until I have the freedom to make more choices without considering my kids.

I 100% agree with @whocanbebothered
This shit annoys me so much. I hate it when people (friends without kids) talk about how different I was when DS was born, how great it is now I have more freedom, space or whatever we are made to feel is important. Why is this another thing we have to feel bad about or over analyse?! Do men answer that question?!
Ugh. We should be proud of who we become in motherhood and support each other.

Nah I am just me. I just spend less more on shit like I used to do pre kids. OMG what’s wrong with me?! I always end up talking about money. Excuse me while I go and write an angry letter to myself about this money business. It’s starting to piss me off ffs

Don't think I disappeared no, I was never a SAHM though, maybe it's more common when you're out of the working world and maybe have less adult interaction/less child related adult interaction?

@DailyFailAreTwats

Have you considered going back to work, even part time? I can see how someone going from 'high powered' life to SAHM could feel lost. But you can reclaim yourself, you know.

I was 38 when I had my only child, so obviously had a long time of being able to just consider myself and I had a very unconventional lifestyle.
Motherhood changed that completely. I loved being a mum but changed the way I looked and acted so I did not embarrass my kid. It was only once they went off to University that I began to find the old me again - and I am loving it.

I hate the sentiment but I have to agree it's true for me. I lost all confidence and ability to rationalise every day stuff when I had my DS who is nearly 3. My life was turned upside down and I wasn't anywhere near ready in hindsight for a child. My relationship wasn't strong enough and I became a victim of emotional abuse, something I swore blind would never happen after watching my father do the same to my mother. But I didn't have my usual strength to challenge it.

I've lost a lot of me as a result of becoming a mum, to the point where I don't really like myself that much. I'm a good mum, and I love my child beyond measure, but I do miss the old person I was before I became a parent. She had her shit together.

In the book we read at school, Sunset Song, the way it is described as the girl who has the characters maiden name is gone forever and the woman, her married name, is now left in her place’ it is set a long time ago.

Although this makes sense to some people,to others it doesn't. Depends what type of woman you are. Some women know exactly what they are,and wan't to be..whilst some women delve into things too deeply.and read silly books,and try and work out things,that don't need working out.

I am an improved version of me,I am so much more confident in myself,in my body and how I look.

At one stage I was raising 4DC on my own,one of whom is autistic,I was going to college,working part time and helping a large national charity at the highest level.

If someone had told me that would be my life before I became a parent I would have laughed at them and even now looking back I still don't really know how I managed it all but I did and I didn't just manage it I smashed every single thing I was doing and I did it all on my own with no help from my ex's,family or friends.

I know I'm one of the very lucky women to feel this way because I know for many it can go the other way and lots of women can feel like they've become invisible and some can really lack confidence once they become a Mum which is really sad,especially being as falling pregnant,the pregnancy sticking and then the labor is some of the hardest things a womans body and mind will ever have to go through.

I think if anything I woke up when I had DS1 (12). I was young and it suddenly engaged me in the world around me.

What @Raver84 said. Very well put!