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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DC due close to Xmas visiting family

54 replies

user5859503 · 22/08/2019 10:27

For context every year we spend Xmas morning/afternoon at my mums. So I know it would feel strange for us not to be there. However I am due my DC four days before Xmas. I know I could go over/be early etc so this may be irrelevant. (I had DS a week before my due date).
Had a conversation with my mum yesterday. Saying you are coming over on Xmas day aren't you? I replied just saying will obviously have to judge the situation when the time comes. As we know all having a baby isn't necessarily straight forward. With my DS I remember not wanting to leave the house and having a horrid bout of mastitis in the first couple of weeks and just generally feeling sore.
Sister then gets involved and they both basically imply they can't understand unless I'm in labour on Xmas day why I wouldn't be coming. Or at the very least if I won't come I should drop DS off.
AIBU? I'm not saying I won't be going and obviously hope to be. Also AIBU in saying unless I was in labour on Xmas day I wouldn't be dropping DS off as I would want to be spending Xmas day with my own DS?
They would obviously be welcome to visit me.

OP posts:
Sciurus83 · 22/08/2019 10:34

YANBU at all, four days is nothing, of course it is fine to see how you feel at the time. Rinse and repeat, I will not know until the time, if this is a problem assume we are not coming. And no, you shouldn't drop DS off, as if you would be parted on Christmas Day! Just ignore them, they cant make you do anything. Also its August! Tell them to bore off with Christmas!

underthebridgedowntown · 22/08/2019 10:36

They're batshit. Completely unreasonable to EXPECT you to be there, even more so to expect your DS there whether you are or not.

How about just planning to have Xmas at your home this year anyway, and you could drop round there after lunch if you're able to? Appreciate this may not go down well, but saves any guilt trips should they plan for you to be there and you can't...

user1493413286 · 22/08/2019 10:37

YANBU; stick to your guns and leave it vague. If you’ve had the baby you may not want to go out which is perfectly reasonable and if you haven’t you still might not want to.
Tell them they can come to yours on repeat. Christmas traditions change when you have your DC; next year you might not want to take both kids over.

Pootles34 · 22/08/2019 10:38

Absolutely crackers! Of course you should be at home this year. Do they live relatively close by? You should be at home relaxing, with really simple easy day, they can come round for a mince pie if they like.

DowntonCrabby · 22/08/2019 10:41

How controlling of them.

You’ll need to be very assertive with them.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 22/08/2019 10:42

Christ, how selfish and demanding.

My nephew was born 7 weeks before Christmas; my DSIS said we were welcome at hers as long as we pitched in and 'she wasn't cooking anything as she would be feeding baby'. None of us batted an eyelid.

And that was 7 weeks, not 4 days!!!

Personally I'd tell them that you won't be going anywhere.

GlitchStitch · 22/08/2019 10:43

I wouldn't even have you going there as an option tbh, it will just add stress and nobody will know what they are doing. My youngest was due a few days before Xmas, we just said we will be having a quiet cosy day at home and family are welcome to pop over for drink/cake etc if they want. It felt much less pressured that way and everybody could make firm plans. I spent the day in my PJs cuddling baby and eating food, was great!

MrsMozartMkII · 22/08/2019 10:44

They are barking mad.

bridgetreilly · 22/08/2019 10:44

You don't need to have this discussion now. Just say you're coming, because it's not like you're making other plans.

And then, when you actually know what the situation is on the day, decide what will be best for you and the rest of your family to do.

JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 22/08/2019 10:46

They’re being very weird! Why do they need you there? Are they very stupid people who don’t understand what having a new baby is like? Do they not understand that you are an adult with your own home and family? You aren’t their possession.

Teddybear45 · 22/08/2019 10:48

In your situation I’d just say no and that you’ll be doing christmas at home with just DP and the kids this year.

SheRaTheAllPowerful · 22/08/2019 10:51

I agree with other posters, you are planning on having Xmas at home this year, if you feel well enough you’ll pop over in the afternoon. Manage their expectations now but put yourself first!

MzHz · 22/08/2019 11:08

I had my ds 11 days before Christmas

No way was I up to getting out and about

Tell your mum that it’s a no and that as soon as in any fit state to pop by, you will, but no expectations or requirements on her to cater to you at all.

FWIW, my mother badgered me about going down to see her for Christmas but it was (as it appears to be I. Your case) all about her and not at all about how I was (or you would be) feeling.

It waved a small red flag in our relationship which was the first of a whole red square parade in the end.

This is your life, your baby, your health at stake here and that is literally all that is important

IAskTooManyQuestions · 22/08/2019 11:12

I appreciate Im short of humour this morning - but why are these conversations even debateable - just tell the pair of them to shut up agree with everything and do your own thing. Anything for a quiet life

Newyearsameoldshit · 22/08/2019 11:13

So if you personally don't spend the day with them, they would expect you very pregnant or perhaps newly postpartum to just drop your child at their house for Christmas? Confused
Does your sister have children? Has your mother totally forgotten what it's like?

Very demanding, very uncaring, I'd be planning on Christmas at home and pop over if you're feeling up to it and feeling generous.

CedarTreeLeaf · 22/08/2019 11:14

YANBU.

Last time I gave birth I was stuck in hospital for 5 days since I had a c section and pre eclampsia. Don't worry yourself over this.

Jayaywhynot · 22/08/2019 11:16

Make plans to spend xmas at home "this year due to imminent birth, we have decide to spend the day at home. However, maybe you could come to us on boxing day for lunch"

theWarOnPeace · 22/08/2019 11:22

Oh my god, the idea of having a controlling and overbearing family like this is my idea of hell! Some of my friends have families like this, the pressure on every event is all about control and nothing about your actual happiness or enjoyment.

What a load of insane bollocks expecting you to drop your DS round! Like they have some overriding right to him! I’d be having Christmas at home, as your partner to do the dinner and don’t ask them to come either. You need to start asserting yourself. I’d bet my life they’re controlling in loads of other ways and you’ll be starting to realise this. Getting yourself out from under a controlling family takes a lot of effort and assertiveness.

Wonkybanana · 22/08/2019 11:36

Agree with all PPs, it's not happening. It'll be a difficult conversation but stand your ground. You maybe haven't done in the past as it's seemed easier to give in, but this time you have a cast iron reason (not excuse) for not going.

You haven't mentioned a DH/DP and it's not relevant to your AIBU, but do you have in laws who never see you on Christmas Day because of your mother's demands?

Original poster
user5859503 · 22/08/2019 11:36

Thanks everyone I didn't think I was BU to wanted to double check. My sister doesn't have children of her own and I genuinely feel my mum has forgot what it's like to have a newborn.
I do feel like ever since I've had DS my relationship hasn't been as good with them. It's sad as obviously you hope to become closer esp with my mum.
For about 6 months after I had DS they were quite demanding and hated the fact I ebf him. As if I was somehow taking him off them. Looking back I did probably have PND . Worried that it's already starting again. Sorry I'm rambling and going off the point. Think I'm just getting it off my chest.
Anyway will stick to my guns and just say I will see how things are on the day.

OP posts:
minisoksmakehardwork · 22/08/2019 11:37

Yanbu. Don't even entertain the idea of 'feel free to drop in on boxing day' as it sounds like your family will expect you to run yourself ragged either heavily pregnant or with a tiny newborn.

The only answer to this is 'don't expect us for Xmas as we don't know what I will be up to'. Then it's your prerogative whether you stay home or drop in on them for as long or short a visit as you choose.

Nofunkingworriesmate · 22/08/2019 11:38

If I was your mother I’d assume a quiet Xmas with out necessarily seeing you or grandson/baby and hope to see more in new year
Good time to explain the “joys” of Skype !

Original poster
user5859503 · 22/08/2019 11:39

@Wonkybanana we normally go round in the late afternoon/evening to DH family. They haven't mentioned it yet but they are a lot more relaxed than my family. They probably don't expect us to be coming this year.

OP posts:
Bookworm4 · 22/08/2019 11:42

Surely if you’re up to it they should be offering to pop round with a pre made dinner for you? They sound very selfish, no offer to help just demanding you go along with them, say no and say no again.

Motoko · 22/08/2019 11:43

However, maybe you could come to us on boxing day for lunch

God no! OP doesn't need to be catering for them!

OP, I agree with the others, that you should just tell them you're staying at home, and ignore any tantrums, just like you do with your DS. The more you give in to them, the more they will take the piss. Put your foot down now.

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