To think that having a traumatic birth experience makes the idea of having a second pretty terrifying?

[OoohMasala]

Not even close to having a second. In single! But had a horrific first experience and am terrified to ever have any more kids. I may not ever have any more but if I did, I think I would be really scared. Anyone else similar?

My gp referred my for a csection before I got pg with number 2. I definitely wanted another dc but if I had to labour again with the poor level of care I had experienced (which is all documented in my notes - dragons thinks she's in labour; dragons won't believe us her waters haven't broken; dragons isn't in labour... dragons delivered baby - dragons was 10cm when second opinion was requested by her dh. Registrar removed midwife from the room calling her incompetent and senior midwife took over). I was so terrified and consultant started trying to persuade me natural was best but then read my notes to me to reassure me. Upon reading them he paused, looked straight at me and said "none of this should have happened. Your straight forward birth wasn't straight forward because of the care you received in this hospital and I'm so sorry this happened. I will write a letter to confirm you can have an elective csection for future births"

I wasn't sure I wanted a cs but I wanted to be able to be in control and decide.

Ironically I had breach twins who came prematurely and needed an emergency csection but despite the drama it was a lovely calm birth and I recovered in 4 weeks. After birth one I had 32 stitches internally and took 10months to physically recover and a few years to mentally get there.

@OoohMasala I was told I had 12 more hours at least and baby was born 10minutes later. It's your most vulnerable and you're being told your being dramatic and need to toughen up (my midwife used those words but dh knows me and that was the point he demanded a second opinion and the registrar came in.) feeling that intensity of pain and being told it's only the beginning made me feel like a complete failure doubting everything my body was telling me.

Yup. Had first baby he was two months premature (4lb half an oz) Placenta had ruptured that's why he was early. In nicu for three weeks. Put me off having more children.
But, I got pregnant within a year and second baby was premature too (6lb) I had awful pnd, couldn't cope or sleep, wanted to die. Never wanted more children, put me off completely. But, 10 yrs later really really wanted another baby. Luckily she was on time and a whopper at 8lb 6oz. Healthy baby, home the next day.

I knew it wouldn't be long before "healthy baby=happy mum" turned up.

You don't understand.

My first birth was fine, gas and air, no problem, even though I had a third degree tear.

By time of my second birth, I'd had a lot of unpleasant gynae issues. The pain was absolutely horrific and I would not have treated a dog the way I was treated while in full labour. I got a subsequent apology, but the damage had already been done.

It took me at least a year to get over it. Probably should have had counselling, tbh. I'm not a crier, but if I think about it too much, it still makes me cry over five years on.

OP - speak to the birth trauma charity. If you do get pregnant again, make it clear what you've been through and discuss your options thoroughly.

I have one little girl, she is 9 and she is my darling, my baby but I will never forget her birth as it was horrendous .
To cut a long and painful story short I was in horrendous pain and screamed to be given a epidural which I was given and never felt a thing so I thought it would be easy from there onwards.
How wrong I was and what a terrible decision I made as I didn’t know when to push as I couldn’t feel a thing.The rest is just a blur but my daughter was delivered healthy but I wasn’t as I suffered a third degree tear and was losing a lot of blood and was rushed into surgery .
I couldn’t breastfeed her as I was being pumped with morphine for the pain and I couldn’t even shower for 8 days as I couldn’t walk .
When I tried to feed her she wouldn’t take to me as she had been fed bottles ( the ones already made ) so that was also very traumatic that I couldn’t feed my baby .
So unfortunately my daughter has remained a only child.

OP, the birth of my first was similar to yours (and yours motherof). I did most of the labour at home alone berating myself for not being able to handle it when I was told it 'could be days yet' by hospital. I made it back to hospital 8 mins before arrival and dreadful tearing. Given the trauma the ante-natal team promised second labour would be dealt with immediately, no hanging around and fast track to delivery suite. They did not do this and as a result baby was born before either paramedics or duty midwife arrived. Things is, I knew what I was dealing with. I knew what was coming. I had learnt to breathe. I knew I would do it. I knew all the joy that was coming. I thought I only had trauma but I actually had resources. I was shocked that they failed again but surprised by my own strength. I was not frightened second time and I did not resist it. Little tearing, no need for hospitalisation, in own shower an hour after birth, felt great. I wouldn't exactly recommend this, OP, but understand that the exerience you already have will make the second entirely different for you mentally & physically. Good luck

And to all who have struggled and suffered.

Someone I know had a horrific birth, dismissed by staff, no pain relief, ended up with birth injuries. She was traumatised and had to have counseling for PTSD. She thought she was over it and planned a second baby several years later. When she got pregnant though the PTSD returned really badly. She decided to have an abortion and was then sterilised a few months later, as she realised she would never be able to go through it again.

Yes. I actually had a miscarriage then and amid all the devastation, I had a feeling of relief that I wouldn't have to give birth

I miscarried at home over 2-3 days and it actually gave me confidence that my body knew what to do.

Then I had a desparate longing for another baby and when I eventually got pregnant again, I was in denial, so afraid of another miscarriage. Had some scares too (cysts bursting)

So I was nearly full term when I thought "Oh crap, I do have to give birth again." And I was much more assertive and had a great birth, I was on a high for a week after. I did it!

But I do remember thinking I could never go again after my first baby, you are not alone

Wow these are heart wrenching

to all

Yes, hence almost ten years between DS1&2. MIL would tell us the gap between DS1 and prospective child number 2 on a regular basis. I was terrified history would repeat itself. It did but I was mentally ready for it.

Yes I was really anxious about it the second time due to they way everything was just done to me the first time. After having certain requests ignored i changed hospitals and got onto the known midwife scheme. So I only had consultations with 2 mws who listened to me. When it came to birth I heard her explaining to the dr that I had a bad 1st time and that I really needed to be consulted and you know give consent. The 2nd time was physically more traumatic but psychogically ok.

Oh 3 yrs between. I didnt really think about birth nr1 until I was pg again. I just suppressed it.

Not physical trauma but mental.
I didnt handle pregnancy or birth well mentally, so much so that even the thought of enduring it again leaves me cold. Like a PP said about a work mate, i also avoided sex for a long time out of fear.
I demanded I was released from hospital with 24 hours of DD birth as i couldnt handle being there, i couldnt calm down enough to even nap. The hospital counselor agreed and told the head nurse to release me.
I have fears of hospitals and a needle phobia, due to this i was deemed a "difficult" and "annoying" patient and was treated like crap, threatened, spoken down too by nurses.

DD is 9 and an only child

i had a similar first to you. was dismissed when i told the midwife i needed to push, thankfully i was in the pool, was made the go to the toilet then two minutes he was born, needed 40 stitches lost over a litre and a half of blood and they didn't calculate it properly to start off with then tried to make me go for a shower 30 minutes later. passed out, hit my head and collapsed on the floor and needed a transfusion. then had my second 18 months later, textbook. was up and running about straight after, i feel like if i hadn't had my second so close then it would have still been traumatising now

Yes. I had an induction, after 3 days of contractions I was only 1cm, I was told on day one to have a bath but the bath had sewage in from a blocked toilet- which I realised as I sat in it. Got a horrible infection which very quickly turned into sepsis. Then they realised I had pre eclampsia. Then baby was in distress so I had an emergency section, she was born with a nasty infection she caught from me. I can't do it again.

I remember being terrified having my second child as the first was not a pleasant experience (breech birth) and I knew the second was breech as well. I managed to push to first one out after 48 hours!! Second baby only thirteen months later was a Cesarean birth!! When I saw the doctor the next day after the op that if a had 10 baby’s they would all be breech as I have a heart 💔 shaped womb. So that was it for me I was never going back into any maturity unit!! As I walk through the doors that the words that came out my mouth IM NOT GOING BACK IN THERE AGAIN EVER!!
In some ways I wished I had been brave enough to have one more as I had two lovely boys but I really wanted a girl!! And now I really miss the relationship my friends that have daughters. There an old Scottish saying you have a daughter for life you have a son till he has a wife!!

Why is it so common to have midwives dismiss what the actual labouring woman is going through and insisting to them that they aren’t in labour or aren’t as far along as they think?

That also happened to me with my first and it was awful, given no pain relief and then was told the midwife would be “back to check on my in 4 hours” to see if I was ready to push - baby was born half an hour (max) later, and I had already started pushing!!

For some reason I wasn’t anxious abouty second birth much, and then it turned out to be an induction which was so much more relaxed and positive, only because the people around me actually listened to me and seemed to care.

I’m now pregnant with my third and though I’m not due til January, I’m much more anxious about this birth than I was with my second. I can’t really explain why

First one 2 days labour, failed induction (never got past 2cm) then full on Docs yelling crash - being pushed down the corridors whilst signing papers for an EMCS. Lost 1.5l of blood during haemorrhage and had a transfusion, DD born with heart murmur (but she's fine now) and took a few painful days to establish bf. That said I was still so happy she was there, that pulled me through it

Had a MMC and a chemical pregnancy then got pregnant with DS

First half of pregnancy was awful, just kept thinking I would lose him. Once I got past the 20 week scan I was much better
Second birth was elective CS and was wonderful

For anyone nervous about birth check out fear free childbirth podcast by Alexia Leachman
www.fearfreechildbirth.com/

I have an only and while his birth wasn't what I wanted it wasn't too traumatic.

My pregnancy was horrendous though (and I'm still living with a laundry list of after affects nearly six years later) and that has most definitely put me very firmly in the 'nope not fucking doing that again' camp.

Yes, 8 year age gap and frightened through the entire pregnancy. Unfortunately, second experience was worse.

I'm now sterilised so I can't have anymore. I can't go through that again.

Just another letting you know that after. horrendous first labour my second was perfect. It can happen and the second one has almost totally wiped out the bad memories of the first.

It was definitely terrifying but for me, it was the opposite, I needed to do it again (and ideally do it better that time around).

Dc1 was a 75 hour back labour ending in an emcs where every contraction went to my thighs and made my legs collapse under me, where the midwives kept telling me I wasn't in active labour and sending me home. Got fully dilated, pushed...nothing. Dc1 never moved from mid pelvis. They tried forceps, still nothing as he was well and truly stuck on bone and he was finally delivered by emcs. I was exhausted, dehydrated, fevered and had far too much gas & air. I was hallunicating, had flashbacks to a previous traumatic event on the operating table and got it into my head that the wrapped up baby they tried to give me was a doll. He went to NICU and I was eventually diagnosed with postpartum psychosis, pnd and pstd from the previous traumatic event which was intertwined with dc1's arrival. I didn't know what was real, was completely paranoid and have very few memories of the first six or seven months of dc1's life. He's 4 and a half now and I still have nightmares about his delivery.

His sister's arrival was totally different and whilst she also was delivered by emcs it was amazing and at the risk of sounding trite, very healing because it made me realise just how ill I'd been the first time.

Healthy mum & baby = result?

No, I hate that simplicity.

Injury & mental trauma needing years of therapy yet it was considered a result because no one died?! Er?

YANBU.