Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DSS and his next girlfriend

68 replies

Myfeetarekillingme · 21/08/2019 17:56

Step son is 20 lives with his mum but visits me and his dad EOW. He’s had a few “serious” girlfriends and we’ve had a few over to stay the night (last count was gf no 5). He’s now moved onto gf no 6 and wants her to stay over.

I’m a step mum who met him when he was a teen. We get on well but we don’t have the parent bond, I wouldn’t expect to. I struggle a bit with him still sticking to the childcare arrangement that was set up
When he was a child and wonder why he’s still sticking so ridgidly to it and not wanting to spend more time with his mates at 20? I find “days out” with a 20 year old a bit strange.

Anyway to get back to the AIBU, I know you’ll tell me I am, but am I wrong to feel
Like my small terraced home is not the place for DSS to conduct one sexual conquest after another? His bedroom is next to ours and I’m getting a bit sick of giggling teenage girls and their bed banging?

It’s like he wants to be a grown up when it suits and a child when it suits.

OP posts:
Original poster
Myfeetarekillingme · 21/08/2019 19:41

Anyone?

OP posts:
uppershopping · 21/08/2019 19:45

He obviously wants to spend time with his Dad. Be nice. I am a step child and it can be really shite sometimes.

You seem to not like him which is really sad.

ElizaDee · 21/08/2019 19:47

It's his home. Where else is he supposed to take them? Confused

IAskTooManyQuestions · 21/08/2019 19:47

Your small house … is it not his home too? or is he just a transient visitor?

dollydaydream114 · 21/08/2019 19:50

Two separate issues here:

  1. The frequency of his visits - YABU to think that someone, adult or not, wanting to see their own dad once a fortnight is excessive. I would absolutely love to see my parents once a fortnight, and I probably would if we didn't live at opposite ends of the country. People don't stop enjoying their parents' company just because they're adults. Moreover, you say 'Why doesn't he want to spend more time with his friends?' but he is clearly doing plenty of socialising if he's meeting all these girls.
  1. The girlfriends staying over - I personally think it's perfectly OK for an adult to have a boyfriend/girlfriend staying over in their room and I think you're being incredibly dismissive of his girlfriends as human beings in the way that you talk about them as 'conquests' and 'giggling teenage girls'. However, you could certainly get your partner to ask his son to be more discreet about it if they are actually keeping you awake and you feel it's reached a point where the presence of women you don't really know is invading your privacy, you could certainly ask him to only bring home people that he's been dating for a good few months and is serious about.
slipperywhensparticus · 21/08/2019 19:51

When I was living at my parents house we were not allowed overnight guests if we wanted to do that we got a place of our own or went to their house long term partners are different obviously but I would never have used my parents house for a ons

Windydaysuponus · 21/08/2019 19:51

Ime be proud he sees your place as home!!

flowersinthebedroom · 21/08/2019 19:52

I'd leave the chat up to his dad, I wouldn't feel it was my place.
I have 3 adult DSC, one with SN who still comes EOW even in his late 20s. He's a member of our family and we enjoy spending time with him. We don't plan days out for him anymore, if we want to go somewhere we go and if he doesn't want to come he goes home.

user1487194234 · 21/08/2019 19:55

Do you have children
My 20 year olds have plenty of friends great social life and spend lots of time on sport
But still spend lots of time with us on days out ,meals out,movie nights etc
What he is doing seems very normal to me

Ragwort · 21/08/2019 19:56

YANBU, I have a DS and there is no way I would allow him to bring a series of sexual partners home to share his bed, whether he was 20 or whatever. I had a healthy sex life as a young adult and never needed to bring people back to my parents house ... I find it really disrespectful, he’s not bringing girlfriends home for you to meet them and get to know them, but purely to use his room for a shagfest.

Tough if that makes me a prude.

What does your DH say about it?

hsegfiugseskufh · 21/08/2019 19:58

If youre uncomfortable with it tell him no gfs.

He visits eow, it isnt really his home...

Thats not to say he shouldn't feel.comfortable there, he should, but his antics are making everyone else uncomfortable which is not ok.

uppershopping · 21/08/2019 20:02

He visits eow, it isnt really his home...

Yes it is! Well, it should be! Step children always get a bad deal.
*
Thats not to say he shouldn't feel.comfortable there, he should, but his antics are making everyone else uncomfortable which is not ok.*

She hasn't mentioned what anyone else in the house thinks. We don't even know who else lives there. Don't make assumptions

hsegfiugseskufh · 21/08/2019 20:03

How is it a bad deal?! Hmm

uppershopping · 21/08/2019 20:05

A bad deal is being made to feel like a nuisance in the house that he spends time with his father in. A bad deal is having to be spread across two homes in the first fucking place.

uppershopping · 21/08/2019 20:06

Do you have step-family experience Bonjour?

hsegfiugseskufh · 21/08/2019 20:06

If he acts like a nuisance ie having loud sex without consideration for his dad and op then why shouldnt he get pulled up on it?

Oh god poor poor adult man having 2 homes.

hsegfiugseskufh · 21/08/2019 20:07

Yes, i was a step child and have a step child (who is a child and not an adult)

CTRL · 21/08/2019 20:08

Personally I wouldn’t be happy with it.

It’s inappropriate- regardless weather his your stepson or biological son.

He lives with his mum now so why can’t he bring the girls there ?

When I was growing up I was never allowed a ‘boyfriend’ to stay overnight. Even now I’m in my 30’s I still would feel uncomfortable bringing a guy round to my parents house for a shag...

Maybe I’m old school

uppershopping · 21/08/2019 20:08

We haven't heard anything about the dad's opinion yet so that can't be argued here.

Wildthyme · 21/08/2019 20:10

Your house your rules.

I bet his mum doesn't allow girls staying over in her house.

chickenyhead · 21/08/2019 20:12

I wouldn't want my DC to do it. A longer term relationship fair enough, but not this.

I think the step child thing is a red herring and just indicates the OP discomfort in daring to have an opinion.

No point asking MN to be honest. Discuss with DH whether he thinks this is normal, did his parents allow it? Mine didn't.

DeadSouth · 21/08/2019 20:12

Totally get it! I wouldn’t like a DS banging his headboard off my wall never mind a DSS. My DSS is only 12 so I’ve plenty time to dread that ever happening.. totally worse that Dads are totally of the “well in my boy” look at that.

Dippypippy1980 · 21/08/2019 20:13

Sorry, but I love that your twenty year old step son sticks to his routine visits with his dad.

It probably won’t last much longer, and I am sure your husband is pleased to hold on for as long as possible.

You are building a future relationship with him, could you put up with this for another year or two? Before you know it he will be in his own place and popping round for a coffee or dinner.

Littleduckeggblue · 21/08/2019 20:16

Yanbu

Jocasta2018 · 21/08/2019 20:16

Is he allowed to have his girlfriends over to stay nights at his mother's? Or does he just bring them over to stay with you & his father?

I'd be a bit put out about the numbers - to be asking girlfriend no 6 to stay and he's only 20 - he's certainly racking up those 'serious' relationships.... If it was the same girl over several years then less concerning.