Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DSS and his next girlfriend

68 replies

Myfeetarekillingme · 21/08/2019 17:56

Step son is 20 lives with his mum but visits me and his dad EOW. He’s had a few “serious” girlfriends and we’ve had a few over to stay the night (last count was gf no 5). He’s now moved onto gf no 6 and wants her to stay over.

I’m a step mum who met him when he was a teen. We get on well but we don’t have the parent bond, I wouldn’t expect to. I struggle a bit with him still sticking to the childcare arrangement that was set up
When he was a child and wonder why he’s still sticking so ridgidly to it and not wanting to spend more time with his mates at 20? I find “days out” with a 20 year old a bit strange.

Anyway to get back to the AIBU, I know you’ll tell me I am, but am I wrong to feel
Like my small terraced home is not the place for DSS to conduct one sexual conquest after another? His bedroom is next to ours and I’m getting a bit sick of giggling teenage girls and their bed banging?

It’s like he wants to be a grown up when it suits and a child when it suits.

OP posts:
24hourshomeedderandcarer · 21/08/2019 20:18

i bet hes coming to you as his mother isn't allowing it in her house

regardless of who he is and what age if your not comfortable with it then end of ,it doesnt happen

your permanent home trumps his part time home

Sunflowers211 · 21/08/2019 20:21

I think I agree @Myfeetarekillingme
SS sounds like a typical young man playing the field. Fine but he can take his shenanigans and latest conquest somewhere else. God to be young again!

daisyjgrey · 21/08/2019 20:49

I'm baffled by the keeping count of people your step son has slept with...he's come to see his dad, in a house he feels is also his despite it being 'your small terraced home' (I'm unsure what the terracing has to do with it, would you be more comfortable in a detached bungalow?
Leave him to it and buy some ear plugs.

hsegfiugseskufh · 21/08/2019 20:52

Leave him to it and buy some ear plugs

Why bloody should she?!

SavingSpaces2019 · 21/08/2019 20:52

Just have wall-shaking, bed-banging loud sex when he brings his gf's over.
He's obviously not there to spend time with his dad if he's bringing his current shag along every time.

Maybe he's not allowed at his mum's house so is using yours as a shag-pad?

Ragwort · 21/08/2019 20:53

Dippy it would clearly be much better for everyone if he had his own place and could conduct his sex life there, in privacy, and yes, just pop round to his Dad’s for a coffee occasionally.

I don’t get the Mumsnet attitude that we must be so desperate to be ‘cool’ parents that we put up with any sort of behaviour.

As said earlier, it’s got nothing to do with being a stepchild or not, just a totally disrespectful way to behave.

summersherewishiwasnt · 21/08/2019 21:07

I’d not put up with this. If he wants to visit the door is open, if he wants to shag find another door. He own. No over night shagging until in a relationship for 6 months. It’s not a parents or step parents job to facilitate their adult children’s sex life.

PlatoAteMySnozcumber · 21/08/2019 21:07

I suspect most of these replies are from RP’s who love the idea of the ex and his new partner having to put up with this rubbish.

I think it’s odd a 20 year old sticks to such rigid contact times. My DSC continued well into their late teens which I did find a bit strange but fair enough. It eventually changed to regular mutually convenient times which makes more sense at that age IMO. But whatever, if DSS and DP are happy with that level of contact, I would let them get on with it but wouldn’t bother joining for their days out.

The shagging would be an absolute no go for me. Not a chance. I might let a girlfriend stay over as a one off but not regularly and certainly not if I could hear them at it. If he wants to do that, he can get his own place.

slipperywhensparticus · 21/08/2019 21:10

Move his bed away from the wall put a safe sex photo and pictures of babies and his dad and yourself on said wall with pecan hear you in big letters on the frame?

Change your wifi name to we can hear you having sex?

Or talk to him but that is less fun

slipperywhensparticus · 21/08/2019 21:11

We can NOT PECAN

tirednhungry247 · 21/08/2019 21:11

He's 20 and old enough to book a hotel

CatelynStark · 21/08/2019 22:30

Dear God! It’s not his home - he’s a grown adult who needs to get his own place to use as a knocking shop!

This would not be happening in my house - step child or biological child alike! Why should the OP feel uncomfortable in her own home??

DelphiniumBlue · 21/08/2019 22:36

Can you rearrange the room, maybe move the bed, soundproof a bit more?
Or is it really the principle of it?

Windydaysuponus · 21/08/2019 23:31

When ndn ds was shaggging against our joint wall I sent him a link to Lionel Ritchie's All Night Long!
He moved out very soon after!!

thecatinthetwat · 21/08/2019 23:43

If he’s being too loud then say so.

It’s a shame you feel weird about hanging out with him though. I don’t think kids/adult kids stop hanging out with their parents do they?

Well they might do, but usually at their request not the parents.

HiJenny35 · 22/08/2019 01:00

He's 20, like most 20 year olds a place of his own is probably wildly unaffordable. It should be his home, op has made it very clear that she doesn't see it as his home and thinks it's weird that he wants to spend time with his dad who he's had no where near the amount of time with that he would have done if they had stayed together. Even if he wasn't having his girlfriends to stay (in his own room in his DADs home which should be fine) you don't want him there every weekend anyway. Pretty crap for him isn't it.

Original poster
Myfeetarekillingme · 22/08/2019 16:31

@HiJenny35

He's had nowhere near the amount of time he would have had with his dad had they stayed together? So do you advocate two very unhappy adults sticking together for the sake of a child? I wasn't around, but I guess it can't have been fun for that child to live in a warring household?

I don't see our home as his just as he won't see his home as ours when he gets one. His home is where he lives permanently, with him mother. He doesn't need to ask to come to ours, he has a room that is always ready for him but it's not his home.

On another note, you put in capitals it's his DAD's home, it actually isn't, it is OUR home, bought together with joint money. Not the DSS's, not DH's, ours.

In reply to other comments, if she was a long term girlfriend he'd been with for say six months I'd probably not have a problem. But she isn't, they've just met, like he'd just me the previous five. I don't run a knocking shop.

When he wants to play "the child" he does it very well. So much so that when he wants to play 'the adult' I'm less inclined to play along.

OP posts:
billy1966 · 22/08/2019 16:59

Not unreasonable at all re a succession of girlfriends staying over.

AryaStarkWolf · 22/08/2019 17:02

Not a chance would my kids be allowed bring home girlfriends or boyfriends for a ride, step or not. They can do that when they move out

ralphfromlordoftheflies · 22/08/2019 17:04

For goodness sake, more special rules for step children. If this was OP's own child, she would have had completely different responses. Most posters would tell her she is being perfectly reasonable to be annoyed about this. But because it's a stepson her opinion apparently doesn't matter.

Witchinaditch · 22/08/2019 17:06

There was a thread recently where a mother got lots of support for not wanting her daughter to bring back a one night stand, now I know these are “girlfriends” but by the 6th girl it changes things a bit, I think everyone is just saying YABU as you’re a step mum as most people supported the mother in a similar (albeit different) situation. It would annoy me too OP, long term GF fine but a constant stream of girls is a bit much.

cacklingmags · 22/08/2019 17:24

It is his home - forever if need be, because its his Dad's home.
Being judgemental over the number of girlfriends makes you sound like an arse.
I would let any 20 year old kid have a friend stay over, because it is their home too.
Do something about the noise, earplugs, move the bed, sound proof the wall. Just be nice - the kid is part of your family.

AryaStarkWolf · 22/08/2019 17:27

Do something about the noise, earplugs, move the bed, sound proof the wall.

Are you serious? Get a grip, I wouldn't "sound proof" my home for my own kids either btw......we have rules, respect is one of them

katesalwayslate · 22/08/2019 17:29

YABU about him coming every week. He obviously wants to see his dad! If you don’t want the girlfriends staying over then tell him that. I’m sure he’d be embarrassed you can hear sex noises and promptly stop inviting them if he knew!

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 22/08/2019 17:30

Sorry but if you've been fine with GFs 1-5 staying over, I can't see how you can start saying 'no' now.

What does his Dad say? Does he invite the GFs back to his Mum's house? (Assuming he still lives there when not at yours).

Swipe left for the next trending thread