In laws taking photo of my child but always when I'm out of the room

[RollingRedHills]

Not a great relationship with my in-laws so am prepared to be told I'm being precious.

MIL asks for photos of DC every day, I send some a few times a week but not every day as I just can't be bothered I send them if I get a particularly nice one.

Whenever PIL come over to see DC which is about 2-3 times a week so quite a lot they wait until I nip out to the kitchen or bathroom and then snap snap snap away taking photos of DC. It happened today, I came back in and MIL was putting away her phone as if it was a secret and I said "oh have you got any nice photos?" And she said "I think so" and just put her phone away.

I've never stopped her taking photos of my children but still think even though she is their grandmother she should ask me or do it in front of me or DH so if we had an issue we could voice it. It feels like another way of her exerting control (am I going mad thinking this?) just feels disrespectful to me as it's not the odd time it's every single time. She will also never share the photos with me.

No offence OP but your attitude towards your MIL explains her behaviour. She probably darent take photos in front of you

I think it may help you to come to terms with your child having a separate relationship with his Grandparents than with you. I spend a lot of time with my GS while his Mother is at work and we go off camping regularly. My photos of him are 99% when my DD isn't there. I do tend to send her the really good ones but often forget the others.
Could you ask your IL's the next time 'Why do you aways appear to wait until I leave the room before taking photos?" I think that's a very valid question and it would be interesting for you to receive their response. I'd imagine it will be something almond the lines of what another poster has said about them being self conscious when you're there

Shes probably too embarrassed to take them in front of you for whatever reason.

I completely understand this.

My ex in laws wanted photos of ds without me in them, as if I was there he was likely to be near me, I guess. So they took photos when I wasn't there to be able to display.

Then mil would have photos of ds by her bed or wherever without me in them.

Fair enough, but it did hurt.

I think behaviour from both parties is a little strange but the root cause appears to be the overbearing MIL, which puts the OP on edge so she overreacts.

DH needs to step up here. I couldn't bear the number of visits from my PIL and felt pushed into agreeing to them. I spoke with DH and he handled it. We now see them far less which is probably a shame for the grandchildren but essential for my sanity. Some people can't help taking a mile when you give them an inch.

I love all the people saying that OPs attitude is the reason for the sneakery. OP is entertaining these relatives 3 times a week and her only crime is sending pictures 3 times a week instead of 7.

I would not want anyone taking secret pictures of my child. Why do they need to be secret? It's either a huge red flag or a power play. I would make sure that I go to the toilet before they come and not leave them alone for a few times. If the pictures are so important they will take them with you in the room.

I would also cut visits to once a week and this is from someone who loves my in laws.

I agree pineapple! 3 times a week.

Op you need to get in control of your house and life and whittle these visits down its madness.

The trouble with being nice and amenable is you get completely overlooked as a human being. Everyone else is getting their needs met and sense of entitlement nurtured but you end up being trampled on. The longer it goes on the more resistance there is to change. So you need to set out with a clear idea in your own mind what your children's priorities are, what is acceptable to you, how much you might be willing to compromise on elements of that and then stick to your guns. You don't apologise or defend because what you want/need it just as important and valid as everyone else.

I wish someone had told me that as a new mum and I wouldn't have said I was ever a pushover to begin with but the mothering instinct means you end up thinking of yourself last!!

Sorry but I'm quite an unreasonable person and even I think YABU! She's only taking photos of her grandchild! If she's posting them all over social media without your permission then yeah, that's not on. But if she's literally just photographing her grandchild then I really don't see the problem - why would she ask??!

If you didn't make such a big issue out of her taking photos, she probably wouldn't feel like she has to do it in secret

I agree tbh. It doesn't even take a minute to send a photo these days,it's not like she's asking you to go to Boots and get a film developed,is it?

Try and imagine your baby one day having babies and how excited you will be and how proud. She probably wants to show her friends the photos.

My MIL takes pictures of my DS without me knowing off my Facebook & gets them printed & posts them to me!

Or rather she did before I blocked her!

I’d go ‘swap or nothing’ with someone like this.
Or start taking pics of their dog/potplants/fridge interior when you have a solo moment at their house, and post them to Facebook until they got the message. But I’m like that.

My MIL takes pictures of my DS without me knowing off my Facebook & gets them printed & posts them to me!

Why is that a bad thing?

You've created an issue about photos by not sending a quick snap each day or when requested. When on holiday and parents were dog sitting I asked for photos of him nearly everyday! Your PIL love their grandchild. I think you're being incredibly mean. You've caused such an issue that the poor woman is taking photos in secret now. Stop being so tight and controlling and take 30 seconds out of your life to send her a photo. And if that's really too much compassion for you to show a loving grandmother then ask your husband to do it.

Red that's a horrible post and they see him 3 times a week.

She's not in Australia she's round the corner it's intense and unnecessary.

Intense? To send a photo? It takes less than a minute.

I think Red is spot on and it's not a horrible post. It sounds bang on.

Oh no, another weird MIL and grandmother. They give the rest of us fairly normal ones a bad rep.

Thank you Seroxa. Every day I work with kids that are so lacking love and interest from home that it has a huge impact on their current and future life and wellbeing. It boils my blood (almost tearful!) that someone would take time out of their day to post a complaint that their PIL show their child too much love and too much interest. 2-3 times a week to pop in is too much? I bet the PIL count down the days. If your child has too many adults scrambling to love it that it's actually causing a problem, give your head a wobble and count your blessings.

Then I think your work is colouring your view red because the other extreme is not healthy either.
Somewhere in between is always best for everyone including the child who is not anyones possession.

Yes a bit of projection going on.

Asking someone to send a photo every day is bloody ridiculous. The pair of them deserve each other