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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In laws taking photo of my child but always when I'm out of the room

72 replies

RollingRedHills · 21/08/2019 16:37

Not a great relationship with my in-laws so am prepared to be told I'm being precious.

MIL asks for photos of DC every day, I send some a few times a week but not every day as I just can't be bothered I send them if I get a particularly nice one.

Whenever PIL come over to see DC which is about 2-3 times a week so quite a lot they wait until I nip out to the kitchen or bathroom and then snap snap snap away taking photos of DC. It happened today, I came back in and MIL was putting away her phone as if it was a secret and I said "oh have you got any nice photos?" And she said "I think so" and just put her phone away.

I've never stopped her taking photos of my children but still think even though she is their grandmother she should ask me or do it in front of me or DH so if we had an issue we could voice it. It feels like another way of her exerting control (am I going mad thinking this?) just feels disrespectful to me as it's not the odd time it's every single time. She will also never share the photos with me.

OP posts:
SavingSpaces2019 · 21/08/2019 17:34

What a subtle piece of poison dropping
As if! Grin

It's actually a simple observation from what the OP has posted and from having experienced batshit people do things like this.

Original poster
RollingRedHills · 21/08/2019 17:37

Obviously 3 times a week is more than I am happy with but I'm pushed into it as she calls every day asking to drop in so this is the compromise

OP posts:
brassbrass · 21/08/2019 17:40

There is no reason to see her 3 times a week just because she demands it! It is way more than most people see their ILs. I take it your DH is never there either so you're left to suffer her on your own?

Stand up for yourself woman.

Windydaysuponus · 21/08/2019 17:47

My ils never had my number! Suggests dh invites her round when he is in. You need to be less available pet!!
Get yourself and dd out and about. Tell mil it's for her development and she can't argue with that!!

ChicCroissant · 21/08/2019 17:47

Not a great relationship with my in-laws so am prepared to be told I'm being precious.

OP, you do seem to be looking for faults with them. Taking photos doesn't really seem a control tactic here.

RightYesButNo · 21/08/2019 17:48

Obviously 3 times a week is more than I am happy with but I'm pushed into it as she calls every day asking to drop in so this is the compromise

My grandfather taught me that if someone asks for something completely unreasonable, you do not have to compromise on something that is STILL unreasonable. Time to sit down and sort visits once and for all, before you drive yourself crazy, as them requesting photos every day of a grandchild they see three times a week (and request to see every day) is just too much, even if you have a good relationship.

wineandroses1 · 21/08/2019 17:49

Good grief! Three times a week? I’d be too busy for 2 of those days! And it is odd that she waits for you to be out of the room before taking photos. It is weird and you’re not controlling (really wish people wouldn’t pile in with that accusation on every bloody thread - it’s just spiteful).

skybluee · 21/08/2019 17:52

It's the way it's done though. I'd find that odd, if as soon as I left the room I could hear snap snap snap going each time.

dollydaydream114 · 21/08/2019 17:56

I imagine she takes pictures when you're out of the room because you make her feel self-conscious. Also, it's easier to get a small child to look at the camera when there's nobody else in the room to (unintentionally) distract them.

I'm honestly stunned that you think she should ask your permission before she takes a photo of her own grandchild, and I'm sure she's picked up on that disapproval. However unpleasant you find her, I think it would be majorly unreasonable to say she has to beg for permission before taking a snap of her grandkids on her phone.

Of all the issues you clearly have with your MIL, it's odd that you're focusing on this tiny and inconsequential thing. Worry about the fact that you have to see your in-laws three times a week, which I'm sure does feel really suffocating (I love my MIL, but I wouldn't want to see her three times a week) rather than the photos. It's a non-issue - choose your battles and focus on the amount of contact you're having to have, I think - the photos are not the problem here, the problem is that you are seeing far too much of someone you don't have a great relationship with. Once a week would be more than enough!

Why does she need so many photos. What does she do with them all? I find it a bit creepy.

Christ. It's a grandma wanting pics of her adored grandchild. Doting grannies are not a new thing and there's nothing creepy about it.

brassbrass · 21/08/2019 18:02

Totally disagree. It's fucking weird to take snaps 3 times a week. Every single visit she snaps away? I don't know anyone who does that. She's not doting she's fucking demented.

Most people take photos to record memorable events. Birthdays, holidays, other 'events'. No one needs to be photographed 3 times a week every week. She must have millions of photos collected. Creepy!!

EdtheBear · 21/08/2019 18:10

Op I'm with you she seems very intense.
Is she the sort to over share or put them on social media?

My MIL over shares photos, particularly inappropriate pics. A Foster child, who's location had to be kept quiet became her profile picture. A quiet embrassing photo of an other DGC.
I stopped her taking pictures of my very sick child who was hooked up to monitors etc I just didn't want them being seen by everybody at the social club.

Warpdrive · 21/08/2019 18:11

Do you think it could be possible that she could be creating you a photo gift, like a calendar for Christmas? Or making one for herself?

MollyButton · 21/08/2019 18:16

I think you are seeing far too much of her and there are far too many photos.
I would also be very blunt that her taking photos "secretly" when you are out of the room means you can't leave DC alone with them again. Its not the taking photos its the secrecy. No one does something "secret" with my children (surprises are different, but should be openly discussed with DH if not me).

Choice4567 · 21/08/2019 18:40

Is this their first grandchild?

Strawberryletter24 · 21/08/2019 18:48

Warpdrive

I just LOL’d at that (although not sure it was meant to be funny!) Nice idea tho if it is the case!

Maybe she’s creating a shrine or a wall of photos like in police programmes?

GrinGrinGrin

Derektheelf · 21/08/2019 18:56

My MIL is the same. She takes photos when she takes DC out alone and has a family fb group (that I'm not in) to share them. It's a bit weird, but DH sends me any nice ones. I send her random videos and photos I think she'd like.

Windydaysuponus · 21/08/2019 19:33

Make sure she visits after mealtimes, leave dd looking foody!!.
Tbf she is obviously a proud dgm, an over stepping one granted.
My mil never took any photos of ds and dumped him pretty much at birth...
But seriously ditch all the visits. Would have me deranged!

Zebraaa · 21/08/2019 19:37

@MollyButton you sound psycho Confused

MrsPeacockDidIt · 21/08/2019 19:54

I had similar with my ILs. One visit I had taken a disc of professional photos so offered to put on their laptop. I found a folder with my child’s name on so opened in to see if it was photos so I could save rest of them there. There were loads of photos of my son with ILs, my FH, with BIl and SIL (BIL wife note their daughter) and other family members but not a single photo of him with me even though I knew I had sent them some. TBH it didn’t surprise me as they never seemed to like me much. I went NC with them about a year later when I just couldn’t take their snide comments any more.

NoSauce · 21/08/2019 21:12

She's not doting she's fucking demented

You don’t actually know that and it’s pretty damaging to come out with shit like that to a stranger on the internet that could take such a statement as fact.

Grandparents do like to take photos of their grandchildren, especially if they’re only young.

phoenixrosehere · 21/08/2019 21:35

Yanbu.

I get on with my mil and she will take photos and show them to me afterwards excitedly or we’ll take pictures and send them to her. Granted though, we live hundreds of miles away. My own mum does the same and shows them to me afterwards. Why wouldn’t you? It’s odd to take pictures of a baby and not show them to their parents regardless of what your relationship is with them. Doesn’t matter how excited grandma is, it’s not her child.

jaggynettle · 21/08/2019 21:41

My MIL is head over heels with my daughter and loves taking pics of her. She's quite open about it I don't know why yours does it when you're not there? Maybe it's just because she wants more? Why not offer to take some pics of them together then you'd probably be able to see what other ones she has on her phone?

MollyButton · 21/08/2019 21:43

@Zebraaa Whereas I think someone secretly taking photos sounds unhinged.

Waveymaevey · 21/08/2019 21:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn - posted on wrong thread.

Windydaysuponus · 21/08/2019 22:03

Wrong thread Wavey??

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