In laws taking photo of my child but always when I'm out of the room

[RollingRedHills]

Not a great relationship with my in-laws so am prepared to be told I'm being precious.

MIL asks for photos of DC every day, I send some a few times a week but not every day as I just can't be bothered I send them if I get a particularly nice one.

Whenever PIL come over to see DC which is about 2-3 times a week so quite a lot they wait until I nip out to the kitchen or bathroom and then snap snap snap away taking photos of DC. It happened today, I came back in and MIL was putting away her phone as if it was a secret and I said "oh have you got any nice photos?" And she said "I think so" and just put her phone away.

I've never stopped her taking photos of my children but still think even though she is their grandmother she should ask me or do it in front of me or DH so if we had an issue we could voice it. It feels like another way of her exerting control (am I going mad thinking this?) just feels disrespectful to me as it's not the odd time it's every single time. She will also never share the photos with me.

I don’t understand what actual difference it makes whether she’s taking photos in front of you or not? Can you explain?

I think it's because she is making a special effort to take them without me seeing or knowing, and I don't like that she won't say "oh this is a nice one let me send it to you", it feels a bit controlling.

I think it's completely unreasonable that you expect her to ask before taking a picture of her grandchild, and it explains why she'd rather do it when you're not there

Yeah that’s quite weird of her. The whole obsession with photos I mean. Why does she need daily photos if she is seeing the child 2/3 times a week? is this a very new first grandchild?

I don’t think there’s an issue if you’ve given her permission to take photos anyway.
Maybe she feels a bit embarrassed that she wants so many photos? Is the child a new baby?

Try not to look for problems that aren’t there. You must have a good enough relationship if they’re visiting 2/3 times a week?

bit odd that she does it so secretly

She’s doing it without you in the room because she obviously feels uncomfortable around you. Do you constantly watch what she’s doing with the child?

yabu, if anyone is being controlling it’s you and it’s that has has probably caused her to do this to try and avoid upsetting you.

Don’t disagree that asking for photos daily is a bit much on her behalf, but beyond that can’t see what she is doing wrong other than trying not to upset you

Stop sending her any. Leave it to dh. Sounds like she take up too much of your time as it is.... 2/3 times a week?.
Bloody hell!!

Yanbu or overreacting, her behaviour is weird. Doing anything behind a parents back is a red flag.

But I never have and wouldn't stop her taking photos when I'm there?

Mmm does seem weird that she doesn’t show them to you or share them. I mean, I don’t think they’re doing anything awful by taking the pictures but is a bit odd them not just passing the phone over for you to look. If there’s a backdrop of a strained relationship it probably is pissing you off more than it would otherwise. I’d file it under ‘bit odd but then they are a bit odd, oh well’.

I think you do sound a bit precious, just because I would be completely oblivious to whether photos were taken when I’m there or when I’m not. And unless you have issues with her putting photos on SM, expecting someone to ask before they take pictures of their own grandchild is bizarre. But your MIL sounds a bit strange too - why does she feel she needs to be sneaky about taking photos? Was there a previous photo incident? (Are you sure she’s not getting a ‘she doesn’t want me taking pictures’ vibe from you?)

Yeah it’s a bit weird that you expect her to ask before she takes the photo

If you didn't make such a big issue out of her taking photos, she probably wouldn't feel like she has to do it in secret.

No idea OP. Maybe ask her to airdrop you some of her photos and see what she says?

It could be that as she asks every day and you don’t comply that you’ve got an issue with her having so many photos and instead of being blatant she takes them when you’re out of the room. I doubt it’s done maliciously.

Life is easier when not in a constant imagined battle for some imagined power.

Stop everything that causes conflict: let her take pictures, she doesn't need permission. You also don't need to send them when she has plenty of her own.

I wouldn't be happy with my DC being photographed incessantly. Why does she need so many photos. What does she do with them all? I find it a bit creepy.

I send MIL pictures when I have a nice one and sometimes they like to take pictures too.
My child is their grandchild and they're super proud grandparents.

Maybe you make her feel guilty about taking them without even realising? Or maybe she just doesn't want you in the pictures?

Does she always refuse to show/share the photos she’s taken?

Next time she asks you for photos you could reply “ooh you’ve reminded me! Can you send the photos you took yesterday? I’m sure you got some good ones”. She’ll either share, like a normal adult, or stop asking you for photos.

If it was just a one off with the not showing photos then I’d guess she feels awkward. But if she sees you 3 times a week you’ve no need at all to send her photos unless you’ve got an amazing one.

Is 3 times a week ok, or is that a problem? Because, also not necessary!

If I was you, I wouldn’t send them any photos, as what’s the point? They come over 2/3 times a week (which is a lot, is your partner there too?) and take photos whilst they’re there anyway ...

You don't like your mil and you don't like how she sneakily takes pics of your kids behind your back - no doubt she doesn't want YOU in any of them.

MIL asks for photos of DC every day, I send some a few times a week but not every day as I just can't be bothered I send them if I get a particularly nice one
Where's the dc's father in all this?
Why have YOU taken on the 'wife-work' of maintaining contact and dealing with HIS family?
Just stop.

Whenever PIL come over to see DC which is about 2-3 times a week
So you're choosing to entertain them so frequently?
Cut down on the visits - and tell them the pics they take will have to do unless their ADULT child wants to take on that effort.

@SavingSpaces2019

You don't like your mil and you don't like how she sneakily takes pics of your kids behind your back - no doubt she doesn't want YOU in any of them.

What a subtle piece of poison dropping - beware OP - there are people on this forum who gleefully try to sabotage any relationship with the ILs if they possibly can.

You don't even know the ILs and you've really got it in for them.

It’s you that being weird and very controlling.

Does she say why she wants pictures everyday? Your child can’t have changed much! I agree I’d cut down on visits