This is a long one I'm sorry

[Spotify82]

I would really love some advice. Please be gentle if you think I'm rude as I don't mean to be and want to know so I can fix it. Here is a breif background, So, I had a very unsociable existence for maybe 8 years after I lost my parents. I was very depressed about life in general, I'm better now thank god. But my lack of social attitude is still there.
I work as a teacher now and it's exhausting. Last year I got married and I don't see my husband much at all. He works from 3pm to midnight. I nap in the evening so I can spend some time with him. He can't have weekends off only a weekday so we get that time. Weekends I see him before he goes work. Now this is where is my point comes together. My in laws have a gathering for the family at lunch almost every 2 weeks if not 3 weeks at the weekend. Here are the reasons why I cannot attend

1. I only have a the weekends to spend any time with my husband
2. The house chores need doing like cooking cleaning washing ironing etc. My husband helps but I like the chores done myself.
3. None of my in laws (women) work at all. They have leisure time throughout the week to do as many things and chores as they want.
4. I have school work like planning and marking. Sometimes I dont and really want to rest.

Now I go when I can. I could probably count the amount of times I have been to their gatherings.
In the summer holidays I was invited by a family member for a girls get together and honestly I was exhausted because we're doing DIY and it's less than 2 weeks before school so I wanted to do school work before I got busy with DIY. First I said I would go, but the next day I changed my mind as I really wanted to get work done so I declined.

I messaged her and she didnt reply back with anything, suggesting she was annoyed. But am I rude to miss all these gatherings? Bearing in mind i have a full time job, don't see my husband and just also probably don't feel confident about gatherings either. Or should I be able to openly decline gathering when I am unable to without being made to feel guilty.

My husband has a mahoosive family and if I met them all the way they want, I would never get anything done.

My husband mentioned once that he felt I didnt like his family as I don't make an effort.

Am I just arrogant? Because when I refuse their invitations I feel really bad, like they're all forming opinions of me. I do go every now and again, maybe once a month or every 6 weeks like during half term?

They are trying to involve you

Chores can wait

Friends and family are way more important to me than chores

I think you should go.

Btw I have no idea what this voting system is. I have never used a forum before

I think you should go at least sometimes. It’s nice that they want you to be there. I do understand that it can be hard but I think you could try to meet them halfway.
Won’t your husband be there at the family meals? So you would be spending time together- or have I read it wrong?

How often do you actually go? If you're rejecting them all the time then yeah that's rude.

Nobody ever wished on their deathbed that they’d done more housework. You’re not making an effort. You know how you felt about your parents? That’s how he feels about his family. Give them a chance, you might enjoy it.

Sorry but to me it sounds like you are making a really big deal out of ordinary household chores. It sounds like you don't have children too and I understand you work full time but plenty of people work full time. You are lucky your dh has a big family who are welcoming to you. Embrace it.

Do you struggle in social situations? I think it is lovely that they are involving you. If theh weren't inviting you, you'd moan that they were excluding you. Not going to an event because school starts in TWO weeks is ridiculous! Most people don't get 6 weeks off in for the summer (not a dig at teachers, this is just a fact) so when they book their holiday time in, will be making the most of seeing friends and family.

You declined an invite you had already accepted to do school work in the middle of the summer holidays and some DIY?

I’m a teacher. You’ve got 6 weeks off. You could spare an evening.

How long do the gatherings last? I think you might need to reach a compromise for the sake of your husband and both your relationships with his family. You would still be spending time with your husband. I think perhaps you might have social anxiety and this is making you find excuses for not attending. Talk to your husband and explain how you feel.

Compromise! Get your calendar out and note down weekends you need free for you/ your husband/ chores etc.

Then make sure you schedule in a few to do fun things. That night be meeting his family, it might be doing a hobby/ catching up with other friends.

By the way, you keep mentioning in your post that you're tired. Have you seen a doctor? Not being rude...but it's not normal surely to be so exhausted you can't go out because you've done some DIY?

Surely you could go to one every so often. It's the middle of the summer holidays so I don't think "it's less than 2 weeks until school starts" is a valid excuse, I'm sure you can spare an hour or two. I'm a teacher too and I never had 2 full weeks of school work to do in the holidays. I also think it's rude to accept and then decline, worse than just declining in the first place.

No he isn't. They're only women of the family.

Agree with pps but I also think you are spending far too much time and energy worrying about what these people think of you. A non-reply to your text message doesn't mean anything. Just decide what you want to do, e.g. go to every other one, and then do it.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable but I think you should make an effort sometimes. It can be hard to break into a big family (I have one) but it can have it’s great points. Once every few weeks should be doable

The OP says she is going from time-to-time though.
I don’t think you’re being at all unreasonable. Your free time is vital for your wellbeing. Most teachers I know spend a part of Sunday preparing for their week.
Just because someone decides how they want to spend their time doesn’t mean you have to fall in with it!
You do need to compromise though, if they invite you and you keep agree then cancel they’re going to get the hump with you.
I’d find a time to invite them as well.
I’m sorry about your loss of your mum and dad, do you think you’re keeping things a bit quieter socially to protect yourself a bit?

I think that you do see your husband a reasonable amount..

My DP works silly shifts so I generally only see him on a Friday evening after I've finished work and a Saturday day and evening. So if one of us then gets invited out on a Saturday evening, we see each other even less. If his family invited me out like your husband's seem to, then I would save the hoovering for another day. As pp's have said, if your husband works from 3pm then surely he will be going to lunch with you? So you'll still be together, you will just be being more sociable. And you could do the house work that evening, no?

You're all right. I do go, just not as regularly as they do them. But I've increasingly been feeling it's more to do with social anxiety than anything else. However there have been times where I have had loads of work (I'm a new teacher in my first year). Lesson planning and marking take forever. So I've started lesson planning early this year. I've scheduled a visit and gone thinking I would be back, the girls have told me to come at 2pm and they havent turned up until 4 sometimes 5. They are always always late by at least 3 hours and that is no exaggeration.

I absolutely agree that it's nice that they invite me, I'm a different ethnicity so it could be easily done. It happens in many families where there re interracial marriages that they will exclude that individual.

I don't know how to reply to individuals...whomever said I need to see doctor about tiredness. I think I should. But it's mostly sleep related.

Reading all your replies I feel maybe I am just avoiding it!

You are a teacher, you have no weekends. Sorry , but few people realise or accept the amount of after teaching hours of work the job entails. [I'm a teacher]. I suggest you make it clear to all that in the holidays you're happy to do loads of things, but term time it's you and your husband. If he bleats about his family, tell him you don't interfere with how he does his job.

I usually get home at 5 maybe 6. My husband has left for by 3 so I dont see him during the week at all. Only Saturday and sunday until 3. He has started a new business so has no time off. Unless it's the odd weekday. Never a weekend though. Most of the time I see him on his day off itll be a parents evening or after school meeting. There have been occasions when I first got married that is cpuld go to gathering every weekend. It was summer holidays. I would see my husband and it was fine. But then school started and weekends became difficult. And there was actually a time when I was seeing my husband once a month as I would be asleep when he hot home from work, I would be at work when he woke up.

I'm hoping they understand this. The DIY was incoming a partition wall by myself out. With flooring plastering painting and shelves being fitted soon. I knew I would get busy so I started my lesson planning early.

YANBU

It's up to you how you spend your free time. You need to be able to indulge in self care and whilst being in a big group may be energising for your husband and his family, it sounds as if alone time is something that recharges your batteries.

If you're not feeling particularly up to it, can you not suggest your husband goes alone? This will give you some valuable me time, he gets to see his family and he can always make the excuse that you're absolutely slammed with work?

I'd highly suggest sitting down with him to explain how socialising makes you feel, it's hard for extroverts to understand how draining it is for introverts. But always keep in mind, the lack of socialising has the same effect on extroverts

That being said

1. You cant prevent your husband from splendid time with is family
2. You can't completely avoid them

My husband and I have a similar dynamic. He needs to be around people and to socialise. Quiet weekends and alone time are not his thing. I on the other hand much prefer being left alone occasionally and find it exhuasting being around other people.

I've explained this to him and we've eventually managed to find a happy balance. Whilst its not planned, we've found ourselves in an unspoken routine where a few weekends in a row we'll deal with all family commitments from both sides, but then the next few weekends we go off grid with our DS and spend time together alone as our own little family. Everyone gets what they want, nobody gets the feeling "you don't like my family" and nobody feels hard done by as it all evens out

I think that it was maybe rude to accept & then decline.

Is it always the same people?

I would have thought that once a month/6wks is more than enough.

Do you like them?

I wouldn't be bothering that much if I didn't tbh.

Family gatherings with him, different matter.

I never made clear my husband doe not go to the gathering. They are women only from the family. See if my family gatherings happen we both go and spend time together. If we were both together it would be fine but the men are nit invited they work and just dont mix with the women.

My husband's family don't message me, call or invite me anywhere. 😥 I would embrace it and attend, especially given your family circumstances.

He’s off two days in the week so you should be able to spend time with him from when you get home from school till bedtime, then he doesn’t start work till 3 on Saturday and Sunday, so you’ve got from say 8am-2.30pm. During term time, you need to “book” that time in your calendars for each other. No housework, no marking, no family stuff. At 3 when he’s gone to work, do your housework and your school work.

During the school holidays, go to his family for lunch alternate weekends. Book it into your calendar so you (and they) can see where it fits in. It will stress you out less if you don’t have to try and fit it in round other stuff, and it will make them happy at no real cost to you two.

Invite his female relatives to your house while he’s at work. Have a film night and a takeaway or something. It’s no hassle but it shows you are making the effort. Try and make it a once a month thing.