This is a long one I'm sorry

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I would really love some advice. Please be gentle if you think I'm rude as I don't mean to be and want to know so I can fix it. Here is a breif background, So, I had a very unsociable existence for maybe 8 years after I lost my parents. I was very depressed about life in general, I'm better now thank god. But my lack of social attitude is still there.
I work as a teacher now and it's exhausting. Last year I got married and I don't see my husband much at all. He works from 3pm to midnight. I nap in the evening so I can spend some time with him. He can't have weekends off only a weekday so we get that time. Weekends I see him before he goes work. Now this is where is my point comes together. My in laws have a gathering for the family at lunch almost every 2 weeks if not 3 weeks at the weekend. Here are the reasons why I cannot attend

1. I only have a the weekends to spend any time with my husband
2. The house chores need doing like cooking cleaning washing ironing etc. My husband helps but I like the chores done myself.
3. None of my in laws (women) work at all. They have leisure time throughout the week to do as many things and chores as they want.
4. I have school work like planning and marking. Sometimes I dont and really want to rest.

Now I go when I can. I could probably count the amount of times I have been to their gatherings.
In the summer holidays I was invited by a family member for a girls get together and honestly I was exhausted because we're doing DIY and it's less than 2 weeks before school so I wanted to do school work before I got busy with DIY. First I said I would go, but the next day I changed my mind as I really wanted to get work done so I declined.

I messaged her and she didnt reply back with anything, suggesting she was annoyed. But am I rude to miss all these gatherings? Bearing in mind i have a full time job, don't see my husband and just also probably don't feel confident about gatherings either. Or should I be able to openly decline gathering when I am unable to without being made to feel guilty.

My husband has a mahoosive family and if I met them all the way they want, I would never get anything done.

My husband mentioned once that he felt I didnt like his family as I don't make an effort.

Am I just arrogant? Because when I refuse their invitations I feel really bad, like they're all forming opinions of me. I do go every now and again, maybe once a month or every 6 weeks like during half term?

@SirJamesTalbotAndHisSpeculum by the time I have finished printing and prepping for the next day plus meetings parental calls I finish at 4 and it takes me an hour to drive home in traffic as it's peak time.

YABU to 'do the chores yourself' rather than have fun, see friends, simply have time for yourself or occasionally see his family. You don't have to go to every single one but I imagine it comes across as rude if you're prioritising non-urgent things during the summer holidays over some social situations.

The more you avoid them the worse they'll be!

Don't live your life cleaning or doing chores, there is more to life. ABSOLUTELY split the jobs between you, they're not just yours. Don't be a martyr, a clean floor is a clean floor whether you did it, your husband did or you got a cleaner in and went for a nice walk.

If you're hurt he doesn't make the same effort with your family, tell him. He won't know otherwise.

Whilst I will agree that housework just isn't worth that much worry I also think you shouldn't feel guilty about not going. I bet the only opinion some of these women are forming are ones involving jealousy in that you have the willingness to refuse these endless invitations.

Don't get me wrong. I like family gatherings. But I'm fortunate that they only happen a couple of times a year. If they were twice a month I'd certainly bow out of a LOT of them.

If any of the women ask you pointedly why you insist on not attending state clearly that you LOVE spending time alone with your husband and seal that statement with a big wink. That will make them extra jealous as they think you're spending all that time frolicking in bed.

I couldn't be bothered with in laws either that's one of the reasons why I'd never marry anyone.I think if your married then its more or less accepted that you have to make an effort with your husband or wives family.

After reading your updates I would just continue as you are. Husband hasn't made much of an effort with your family so can't complain if you do the same.

As they dont seem to treat you particularly well when you are with them(the food thing and treating you like an unpaid taxi driver, not even bothering to try and include you in the conversation) I would be turning up occasionally but not frequently. Plus, I would turn up two hours later than they say if that's what everyone else seems to do.

@SmudgeButt that was funny you made me giggle hahahahahah. I will do. Btw. These gathering in summer can become 2 every week. As soon as a family member travels or arrives. I say two weeks. I remember when I first got married they had one for 4 days in 1 week. It was bloody exhausting

"but the men are nit invited they work and just dont mix with the women."

But you work also!

So who are these women-his sisters, his SILs?

What do you mean by "they don't mix with the women"?

Imo it's either a family thing in which case he should be there, or it's not & is optional.

Well I don't think you are being unreasonable in the slightest!

I don't think you're being unreasonable; expecting you to go to something every 2-3 weeks is loads! Even every 2-3 months would be excessive IMO, particularly given you don't get evenings with your husband.