This is a long one I'm sorry

[Spotify82]

I would really love some advice. Please be gentle if you think I'm rude as I don't mean to be and want to know so I can fix it. Here is a breif background, So, I had a very unsociable existence for maybe 8 years after I lost my parents. I was very depressed about life in general, I'm better now thank god. But my lack of social attitude is still there.
I work as a teacher now and it's exhausting. Last year I got married and I don't see my husband much at all. He works from 3pm to midnight. I nap in the evening so I can spend some time with him. He can't have weekends off only a weekday so we get that time. Weekends I see him before he goes work. Now this is where is my point comes together. My in laws have a gathering for the family at lunch almost every 2 weeks if not 3 weeks at the weekend. Here are the reasons why I cannot attend

1. I only have a the weekends to spend any time with my husband
2. The house chores need doing like cooking cleaning washing ironing etc. My husband helps but I like the chores done myself.
3. None of my in laws (women) work at all. They have leisure time throughout the week to do as many things and chores as they want.
4. I have school work like planning and marking. Sometimes I dont and really want to rest.

Now I go when I can. I could probably count the amount of times I have been to their gatherings.
In the summer holidays I was invited by a family member for a girls get together and honestly I was exhausted because we're doing DIY and it's less than 2 weeks before school so I wanted to do school work before I got busy with DIY. First I said I would go, but the next day I changed my mind as I really wanted to get work done so I declined.

I messaged her and she didnt reply back with anything, suggesting she was annoyed. But am I rude to miss all these gatherings? Bearing in mind i have a full time job, don't see my husband and just also probably don't feel confident about gatherings either. Or should I be able to openly decline gathering when I am unable to without being made to feel guilty.

My husband has a mahoosive family and if I met them all the way they want, I would never get anything done.

My husband mentioned once that he felt I didnt like his family as I don't make an effort.

Am I just arrogant? Because when I refuse their invitations I feel really bad, like they're all forming opinions of me. I do go every now and again, maybe once a month or every 6 weeks like during half term?

I say you should make it a priority to go during school holidays. Those are times you can see your Dh on his days off in the week, so can work around it. Not going to everyone of the get togethers during the school year I understand. I'd really try harder to go to on in two or one in three. But only if you do like spending time with them.

I think it is fine to miss some/most of them if you make sure to be enthusiastic and friendly when you do attend. If you look like you are counting down the minutes until you can leave, then turn the next invitation down, they will feel snubbed. If you leave in a "I'm so sorry, I wish I could stay but I've got so much marking, it's been really great," way then it'll be fine.

It would probably also help to host occasionally, or suggests trips out somewhere together, when it's a good time for you (summer?) as it can feel a bit weird always asking someone, who often says no, and them not asking you in return. If they are even a little bit socially awkward or read too much into things, the combination could cause problems.

I never made clear my husband doe not go to the gathering. They are women only from the family. See if my family gatherings happen we both go and spend time together. If we were both together it would be fine but the men are nit invited they work and just dont mix with the women

Ooooh, then you are most definitely NOT being unreasonable. I'd go once a month, be grateful for the invitation but politely explain how busy you are otherwise. Of course you would rather spend that time with your husband.

Well think you could make little more effort. Like you didn't go on girls night during school hols because you doing DiY? If I was them I'd be annoyed n prob not ask u again.

It's fine for the reasons you state during term-time - you can explain that you never get to see your DH, so during term-time weekends are your only chance, and I'm sure they'd understand that.

But to then refuse a get-together in the 6-week summer break... well, can't you see how that came across?

You're being totally mad about the household chores, btw. Your DH can do a load more of them on his day off. Don't be a perfectionist. If you have DC together, you will regret not having handed over this responsibility to be shared.

Also, stop staying up late to see him! You'll fuck up your sleep rhythms, it's no wonder you are tired. You're a teacher, you need your sleep to be on form for your classes.

As a PP says, book time in during the week on his day off where you can spend the afternoon and evening together. Finish up at school as quickly as you can on that day and make it quality time.

Knock the midnight wake-ups on the head.

I voted YABU but that is because I thought your husband was also invited to these events - if it is just the women I don't blame you for not wanting to go - I would find it odd to regularly meet up with my female inlaws without DH. Sometimes, maybe, but not as a regular thing.

I think you’re trying hard to balance everything and you’re doing the very best you can. You have a different lifestyle from the other women and are making an effort when you can.
Only thing I could suggest is maybe inviting them over to you once the DIY is complete?

Do you go out with friends or other family? Is it just the gatherings you don’t want to attend or any social event in general without your husband? If it’s just the gatherings restrict them as you feel fit however don’t be surprised if they stop inviting you. If it’s any social event I’d be more concerned.

Social anxiety will never lessen if you don’t go out and socialise.

Do you have any friends of your own?

Your lives would be a lot easier if you’re DH worked daylight hours, is there any possibility of his changing his shifts?

so these are women-only gatherings to which your DH is not invited and they happen every 2-3 weeks?

I think by going every other time or something like that is pretty good. You hardly see your DH. You are swamped with work as a new teacher. (The chores are not really the point here but if the OP likes her home a certain way then why not? Living permanently on the back foot household-wise can be very depressing).

More than anything it sounds like a culture clash.

Get some floradix. Its an iron supplement for tiredness. I started taking it when I was commuting 5hrs a day and it really works.

Start following the organised mum method for your cleaning. You can get it all done in a short amount each day and it leaves the weekends free. www.theorganisedmum.blog/

And I agree with hosting once a month/6 weeks when your dh is at work, at a time that suits you.

I'm thinking your H needs to make some adjustment here as this kind contact with him is unsustainable . Deal with that first .

I have some sympathy as I'm not terribly sociable, so I don't necessarily want to be seeing people all the time.

However, you do sound a bit whiny and whingy in your post. The only thing that makes your life different to that of most working people is that your DP works odd hours. Every other woman who works has to do things like housework and DIY too; that stuff is normal daily life. Also, you have a job that gives you three times as much holiday as most people. I'd be a bit miffed if someone said they were coming out with me and then changed their mind because they were doing DIY, to be honest.

I'm not saying you should force yourself to socialise with family if you don't want to, and some families can certainly be a bit suffocating, but do be aware that if you keep turning them down with lame excuses like 'I'm tired', 'I've got chores to do' they will potentially start to take it a bit personally. Those things don't stop other people from going out.

What's the reason for the evening naps?

If you don't see your husband anyway you could do the chores in the evenings.

Why do you get home at 5 or 6 pm? No schools where I live finish this late.

Of course YANBU! You can only do what you can do.

You go once a month or 6 weeks. I would have thought this was enough! In your shoes, I'm not sure I'd at all. It's a bunch of female relatives with whom you have little in common. Spending time with your DH is much more important.

During the school holidays, go to his family for lunch alternate weekends. Book it into your calendar so you (and they) can see where it fits in. Invite his female relatives to your house while he’s at work. Have a film night and a takeaway or something. It’s no hassle but it shows you are making the effort. Try and make it a once a month thing. Bloody hell, this kind of crap makes me so happy my DH is an only child. She should do what the hell she likes with her free time, she's a grown woman with a responsible job and a husband she doesn't spend much time with. I come from a big family but I don't expect my DH to prioritise seeing my family (especially without me!) over doing what he wants to do with his precious free time. I can just imagine if I started telling him he had to see my family every other weekend and evenings in the week. You are not being unreasonable OP, just go when you feel up to it.

I have a 1 bedroom flat so his whole family simply don't fit. I do go, just not as often as 2 weeks or the every single dinner they do. They stay for a long time.

They had guests once and I took their guests out for 2 days in a row. They dont speak the same language as me, one of his nieces who speaks English went With me. The guests spoke english but they didnt while I was in the car. In fact none of them even made the effort of speaking in English. I just drove them around. They are welcoming but sometimes I find them overwhelming. It's so difficult to explain. Like when we get together they all turn up at different times. I was eating once, one of his SIL put food in for me. And she over filled my plate so left what I couldnt eat. His sister who likes to control a lot started taunting me for leaving food and the whole purpose of a serving dish is to put in what you want. So I just sat quietly saying no I'm full instead of defending myself by saying actually I never put food in and I was sharing palate with a another person. Ugh just so many things. I feel like I'm whining now.

I will make more of an effort. I think I might just be suffering from social anxiety. But when I'm there I'm happy and laughing and joking with them.

I find it interesting that your husband would rather sacrifice time with you, just so that you can be seen to make an effort with his family on occasions that he is not part of.

What are the men in the family doing while the women all lunch together at weekends? Do they all work weekends? Or are they all together in a males-only gathering that your husband conveniently gets out of because he has to start work at 3?

Ask yourself this question- do you enjoy the women-only get-togethers? Do you think of any of them as friends, look forward to sharing news with them etc? Or do you feel it is all a big chore and you are, culturally, a fish out of water? Do they speak a different language to each other and have to translate to include you?

I am sure these women are very well-intentioned but if you were suffering from social anxiety before, forcing yourself to spend time in a group that you don’t really enjoy is not going to help you rediscover your sociable side. Quite the opposite.

You might be better off dipping your toes in the social water by cultivating friendship groups of your own outside the family. I am that there will still be unisex family occasions that you can both attend to show your commitment to the family.

Hi,

I noticed a couple of months ago that my son had a slightly flat head (he is 4 months old). It’s really bothered me, my gp said it’s fine but I went to see a specialist who said it was actually a severe case.

To me it isn’t too bad but quite obviously flat. I don’t know whether to wait and see if it corrects or to put him in a helmet for 6 months+.

Don’t know what to do and there is very little advice. Does anyone have any children who had a flat head but it improved as they got older?

Bit of a cross post there.

It's fine if you don't want to go but just say 'I won't be there - have a nice time'.
The excuses you're making are weak. Yy it may be that the women in your DH's family don't work but lots of women do work (as teachers or even in careers that demand even more hours), and have chores, and manage to socialise and attend family events.
Plus your response to the girls' get together was rude. You accepted and then declined.
It seems that you think of them as a block - DH's family - and your involvement with them is a chore (but not one that you prioritise like your other chores!).
They are people who are making time for you and trying to include you. That doesn't mean you need to go to everything but they deserve a little more kindness and respect than you're currently showing with your half-hearted excuses and your inconsistent responses.

@AtLeastMyDogLovesMe I just realised how to reply

He very regularly refuses invitations from my family. In fact in 1 year he saw my sister who was sick with lung disease 3 times. 20 minutes for one occasion. And a dinner for my neices graduation. And last year 1 day for a dinner. My other sister he went to her twice in 1 years both times he was working so we were in and out in 55 minutes. I appreciate it though because he is busy and I never push him

@HollyAnne1 you need to start your own thread, as your post will not be seen or responded to here. Look for the list of topics in the Talk Home section and post in Children’s Health or maybe Chat.

Yanbu. I didnt think you were BU not to go to these gatherings every time with your husband, now from your update I see he isn't even going.

I'm laughing at the idea that my husband would go hang out with my family by himself! Or vice versa. Except possibly on a very rare occasion such as a hens/bucks night, bridal shower, etc. I guess sometimes it happens that you really click with an in law and become friends, but that doesn't necessarily happen and it's fine if it doesn't. You have your own family and friends to socialise with if you feel like a women only hang out.