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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Sharing a Holiday Home with In-laws

96 replies

Lemon27 · 20/08/2019 20:02

Just wondering what other people do in these situations.

Family member (cousin) of DH is getting married in a little seaside town. Due to location accommodation can be expensive but there’s not much to do there aside from the beach (weather permitting). We get on fantastically with the couple so really looking forward to the wedding.

Wedding venue is a hotel and it is pricey enough to stay but they do have deals for 2-3 night stays (would have to go for minimum 2 nights due to travel time).

My in laws (PIL, BIL & his wife and kids) have found some Air bnb house online that would sleep us all and is relatively close to wedding venue etc. It works out cheaper to stay there than for us to all separately stay in the hotel or other available accommodation. 6 adults and 3 DC.

I do get on with them all but as I get older and since the arrival of family DC I feel I have outgrown sharing on holidays. I feel like I can never fully relax when sharing so I want us to stay in the hotel. DH is all for sharing and keeps telling me how much help they’ll be to us and can babysit (which is untrue) so I’m really not bothered putting up with the sharing aspect when it’s no benefit to me.

If I/we say no to this house we are “forcing” them all to either pay more to split that house cost or to pay for the hotel (this is from DH). PIL are comfortable and BIL and SIL are too i imagine but I know they can be quite stingy (I think they are the ones pushing this accommodation so it’s cheaper for them).

I get on great with PIL and BIL/SIL but don’t want to spend 3/4 days in each other’s pockets!

AIBU to stick to my guns, pay more for the hotel but have time alone with my DH/family when I want it? DH is making me feel bad that I’ll be ‘the one making everyone pay more’ but I feel I’m just too old for sharing anymore and they can all sod off. I’m all for being a close family but it’s too close for me!

OP posts:

yolofish · 20/08/2019 23:20

OMG hotel definitely. That way you can disappear off with the baby whenever you want... and have your own bathroom.

PeopleMover · 20/08/2019 23:26

I wouldn't even consider the house. What a pain in the arse!!

And I can guarantee that the in-laws will regret their choice, when you get to stroll upstairs after the wedding and they're faffing about waiting for taxis at the end of the night.

thecatinthetwat · 20/08/2019 23:27

Baby = hotel, absolutely.

Purpleartichoke · 20/08/2019 23:29

Getting everyone through the bathroom and ready for the wedding will be awful.

Plus if you stay onsite, you can drink at the wedding and not worry about a designated driver.

TheSerenDipitY · 20/08/2019 23:41

fuck no, everything you have already said... but also if you are going to be the one to take your children back and watch them while your husband stays at the wedding.... i would imagine it will be arranged that you also watch the inlaws children too, i mean two of you wont need to be there and they are their family in all.... so a hard no from me

Chloemol · 20/08/2019 23:57

It’s for 3 days max and a one off. For saving the money, both you and the others just grit your teeth and get on with it

NoSquirrels · 21/08/2019 00:08

You guys stay in the hotel, citing the baby and the need to be close by.

The rest of them find a slightly smaller Air B’n’B, which will be possible!

No one forcing anyone to do anything that way.

flyingspaghettimonster · 21/08/2019 00:12

I would back down for the sake of your dh. When we got on well with in laws we often stayed places together and my own sister went on family vacations with us too. It's just a few days. Be alone when you get home. You will be too busy for anything much anyhow.

Arseface · 21/08/2019 00:20

I fucking hate holidaying with family but I’d cheerfully do this for a few nights for a wedding - esp as you say you get on well with them all.
Use the money you save to book a hotel of your choice for just the three of you later in the year.

Drum2018 · 21/08/2019 00:22

I vote for hotel. What age are their kids? If you have a baby and have to leave the wedding early, they could well send their kids off with you expecting you to babysit. It's much easier for you to stay in hotel with baby. If your Dh wants to stay in the house with his family let him off and enjoy the hotel yourself. But I wouldn't be giving in on this. Tough shit if it means higher cost for his family - not your problem.

Rachelover40 · 21/08/2019 00:24

NoSquirrels
You guys stay in the hotel, citing the baby and the need to be close by.

The rest of them find a slightly smaller Air B’n’B, which will be possible!

No one forcing anyone to do anything that way.
.......
Very sensible advice from 'No Squirrels'. You'd be falling over eachother in an airbnb and sharing a bathroom with so many would be stressful. I feel stressed just thinking about it. You can take your time getting ready in a hotel room.

Sceptre86 · 21/08/2019 02:54

For the convenience I would prefer the hotel as you could just nip away with the baby? Do you drive? Aldo depends on how much the saving would be? As for dh spending 'quality time' with his family 2 nights in a shared house frankly doesn't equate to that! Sharing with others requires a degree of give and take, especially if they have kids at different ages with different routines.

We went to a wedding in dh's family last year and stayed at the same hotel. It was nice in that we left at the same time for wedding events but in laws were no help with our kids (didn't expect them to be). We tended to do out own thing on non wedding days like go down to breakfast ( our kids are up early) and could leave events when the kids got tired.our kids are little and at the time still needed am afternoon nap or would be crabby and thos affected what activities we could do. I would not do sharing a house no matter the cost savings. I would not want to do the food shop, cooking and cleaning for 2 or 3 nights away all the while having to wait around for bathrooms and be mindful that my early risers would disturb the rest of them sleeping in.

Sceptre86 · 21/08/2019 02:59

I also agree with pp in that you will become defacto childcare for bil's children. If that is fine with you then great but I wouldn't want to manage other kids as well as my baby. Is the baby up at night? They can all look for a smaller house and pay less each, making you feel guilty is not ok. Do what is more convenient for you if you will be doing most of the childcare.

DaphneCrane · 21/08/2019 03:06

Seriously don’t do it. The practicalities alone are ridiculous. What food will you eat? Not enough bathrooms to get ready. Your husband’s nieces/nephews there when you’re trying to get ready.
Fair enough you having sole responsibility for the baby as it’s his family wedding but instead of just heading upstairs you will have to get a cab and head back to somewhere unfamiliar. ... and they might try and palm husband’s nephews/nieces on you as well. As for money saved... chances are you won’t notice it in a few weeks. Book hotel now.

TiggerOfThigh · 21/08/2019 03:18

Will money saved not be eaten up by cabs? Food?
Will you have to take travel cot to air bnb? High chair? (Thinking of baby’s age)

How much cheaper is it actually going to work out?

justilou1 · 21/08/2019 03:22

Sounds like hell. Don’t do it. Tell DH you’d rather eat shit and die.

Cassilis · 21/08/2019 03:44

The handiness of the hotel is hard to ignore though, as I will be the one putting our baby to bed later and leaving the party early given its a DH family event (he’s done the same for me at my family things) and I’m thinking its easier to just vanish upstairs than have to drive/taxi and coordinate with the others.

This would clinch it for me and be the hill to die on. Do what’s best for you. They can have quality time at hotel too.

nettie434 · 21/08/2019 05:06

I would go for the hotel too. It is really nice at a wedding to have somewhere to go to change shoes, check make up etc, even more so with your baby. It will also be much more convenient to have somewhere to take the baby for a nap or to be changed. Sometimes hotels do deals for wedding guests, so it’s worth checking this.

As others say, the AirBnB place may not have enough bathrooms and you will have to clean up afterwards. Agree that the cost of taxis needs to be added on - especially as you will need at least 2 cabs (assuming they are ordinary cars), more if you don’t not all want to go back at the same time after the wedding.

There was a thread a few weeks ago about siblings and families sharing a cottage for their parents wedding anniversary. The poster was not happy going to a more expensive place and sharing the cost 50:50 with her brother. He earned more and had children, she didn’t. How are your in laws proposing to share the AirBnB cost? Yes, the hotel might be more expensive if your BIL needs a family room or two rooms but if it is just you, your DH and baby, you only need one. If the AirBnB is an old house, it would be a miracle if it had three equally nice bedrooms and en suites so somebody will come off worse if the cost is split 3 ways. You say your in laws are a bit mean, so I bet they mean it would be cheaper for them, not necessarily for you and your DH.

Definitely hold out for the hotel!

Chitarra · 21/08/2019 05:12

As your DH wants to do this, and it's his family member's wedding, I think he gets the final say on this one (whereas if it was your family member's wedding I'd say it would be your choice).

saraclara · 21/08/2019 05:21

I thought you were being ridiculous until I read the baby thing. Definitely the hotel using the baby as a reason.

It was my daughter's wedding last weekend. Staying at the hotel was a huge advantage. It was a long day and being able to pop back to my room for a few minutes here and there to gather myself or have a moment's rest, was SO useful.

Mummyoflittledragon · 21/08/2019 05:48

The thing is you have done it for / with your family. Your dh may see this and not be happy.

However if your baby will only sleep in a bed, hotel is the only solution.

AlaskanOilBaron · 21/08/2019 05:56

Sounds horrible but as noted, it's not really a holiday - I expect the in-laws would just be baffled about your intransigence and it might become a talking point.

How many bathrooms are there?

AlaskanOilBaron · 21/08/2019 05:58

Ah. I just read about the baby. Hotel makes sense.

ThighThighOfthigh · 21/08/2019 06:21

If it wasn't for the baby I'd say suck it up and bank it. Is it possible your ILs would take the baby back to the accommodation and let you carry on? If not, that is your perfect excuse. If your DH is adamant just go with it.

lovelookslikethis · 21/08/2019 06:27

It depends on your holiday budget.

If you genuinely see this break as a holiday opposed to a few nights away for a wedding, then clearly you need to choose the hotel both in terms of feeling relaxed, being looked after and convenience.

However, if you can stretch to it, I’d go with the cheaper house option, go for the bare minimum of time, and then book a mini break of my choice for a proper holiday with the money you have saved booking the house option.

A wedding break is never relaxing. It is about the couple getting married rather than long lie ins and fun days out.

Say to dh yes to the house but only on the provision that a mini break is booked separately.

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