Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Recent family trip

63 replies

NicyB · 20/08/2019 14:13

Firstly, new account as I haven't been on here in several months and can't access old account so ... Start again!

AIBU?

we visited my DH's family last week. They are all based in North Yorkshire, where my DH is from originally. Because of 'family politics' in his side of the family and some falling outs in the past, his family have not been very close to our DS and DD - not in the same way my family are. That's also to do with geography since my family are much closer to us. And that brings me to the main point here....

We live in West London (Chiswick) and it's fair to say that my DS (16) is what you could call 'very west london'.

I feel my son was mocked and made fun of during this trip by my DHs family, in particular my father in law. Some of it could be called banter but I think the amount of it and the nature of some of it when into bullying. My DD escaped this, probably because she is only 11. Now my DS did say some funny things which you would expect to lead to friendly playful teasing, for example the night we were all going to have fish and chips DS wanted to know if they did sushi (he wasn't joking). Now I can see why that's funny and why it can lead to 'london boy' jokes by 'yorkshiemen' but like I say it went beyond just benter. My father in law made repeated jokes and mocking comments about DS 'posh boy' accent. Also the 'fish and chip incident' got less funny when my DS, having seen what was on offer at the fish and chip shop, requested he could order something else online. My father in law took this a clear personal affront. My son, I must point out, was unfailingly polite and nice to everyone the whole time. He responded to the moking by just laughing along and smiling. There are loads more specific examples I could give about how the made fun of him but I think I've put accross the general idea.

To be honest, I'm absolutely fuming and don't plan on visiting again. My DH is basically of the view 'well that's what they are like' he doesn't necessarily condone it but is fairly unconcerned - mainly because my DS wasn't really upset by it. DH is saying if they had upset him it would be a different story but since they didn't it's just something we should let go. I found it difficult to hold my mouth and it was only because this was supposed to be a nice opertunity for DS and DD to get to know dad's side of the family better that I tried to keep it all friendly. Now i feel massively guilty that I didn't stand up for my son more. Honestly I actually feel terrible. Terrible with myself and furious with them.

Any advice on how to deal with this is appreciated x

OP posts:
Armadillostoes · 20/08/2019 14:20

Hi OP-But if your DS wasn't upset then perhaps he didn't need standing up for? It doesn't sound as that he felt rejected or hurt.

With the fish and chips, it was a bit rude of him not to just pick something and eat what was on offer. I can see how it would have looked like a bit of a snub from his grandparents point of view. Was the teasing partly to cover their hurt feelings?

MT2017 · 20/08/2019 14:23

Do you not have chip shops in 'West London' now?

Am sure when I lived in Chiswick they did, and teens know they don't do sushi Hmm

YABU for the entire story Wink

RatherBeRiding · 20/08/2019 14:32

Let it go this time - you can't go back in time and do things differently.

I can see how your FIL (if he's a stereotypical Yorkshireman - disclaimer: I am from a family of stereotypical Yorkshire-folk) could have taken offence at the fish and chips incident. Some of us oop North can be really prickly about any perceived slur on our northern ways!

Having said that, your ILs don't sound as though they handled their reactions very well - adults teasing and mocking a 16 year old is rather pitiful. At least your DS sounds mature enough to see it for what it as and refused to rise to their bait.

Next time, forewarned is forearmed - you know what they're like and how they are likely to behave. If they do, and you don't like it, politely shut it down. You don't need your DH's permission to speak/stand up for yourself/your DCs if you think they aren't being treated well.

Original poster
NicyB · 20/08/2019 14:33

I suppose it could have seen as a snub that he wanted to eat something else but it wouldn't of seemed unreasonable to my DS as when we have take out at home it's not unusual to order from different places based on what everyone fancies...... As for if we don't have fish and chip shops in our neck of the woods, yes there are - although mostly the also sell pizza burgers etc as well rather than specificly fish and chips and it's just not something we eat generally ....... But the point I was mad about was the treatment of him generally the food incident is just one example

OP posts:
Original poster
NicyB · 20/08/2019 14:37

Thank you, RatherBeRiding, you are probably right. I think making a drama now is probably unhelpful. It's just I'm finding it hard to let it go !

OP posts:
lmusic87 · 20/08/2019 14:38

He should have just ordered from the same shop, its only one dinner.

How does DS feel?

MrsGrindah · 20/08/2019 14:38

I know you don’t want to go into huge detail but your synopsis is a bit contradictory. You say your son wasn’t really upset, yet you are fuming and considering not going again?

Armadillostoes · 20/08/2019 14:43

OP-I think the issue is that the hurt might have been a two way street. I am not suggesting that that means that your FIL was reasonable or shouldn't have been more mature than a sixteen year old.

But at his age, your DS should be aware that what might he acceptable at home with his parents isn't always appropriate elsewhere. Asking for different food from that which a group of people plan to share isn't great in a lot of contexts. I appreciate that the food was only an example, but I just wonder if there was perhaps more room for give and take on both sides than you realise.

AtillatheHun · 20/08/2019 14:44

I spent the weekend at a family bbq of a former boss of mine. They take the piss out of each other relentlessly, across the generations. It was so happy, funny and warm that they really came across as a lovely family. If your son wasn't bothered, show him the Monty Python yorkshiremen sketch before you go again and let him carve his own relationship with them. But you could also point out to him that it was rude to ask for something different, sounds like a bit of piss=taking would be good for him to realise what a bubble he lives in.

Original poster
NicyB · 20/08/2019 14:45

I probably explained this badly by highlighting one example and not giving a more general view but I didn't want to write and essey so apologise for my explanation. To be honest, I think the reason I'm so mad now is that I feel guilty for not going or saying anything at the time. Now I feel like I should of done, which is making me upset with myself

OP posts:
Frlrlrubert · 20/08/2019 14:46

In Yorkshire taking the piss out of people to an extreme degree is a form of endearment.

Pushing back will get you labelled 'soft Southern pansies'.

Not wanting anything on the chippy menu makes you picky / snooty / too good for the likes of them.

(Yorkshire born and bred, moved to the midlands to escape).

Steppenwolverine · 20/08/2019 14:46

I think if your DS wasn't upset, I would let it go. It may be a male/cultural thing. My DH has a group of old friends that he routinely exchanges mockery and insults with, no-one gets offended and they all seem to find it hilarious.

Jamhandprints · 20/08/2019 14:48

It sounds like the Yorkshire sense of humour ( my dad's family was like this and from Yorkshire) and yes, Londoners can be annoying to those outside London.
You tried, it didn't work. No harm done.

teenagetantrums · 20/08/2019 14:48

Honestly. I don't like teasing or mocking of teenagers or children. However why couldn't your son just have fish and chips. My kids grew up in West London near you l think location makes no difference to this thread. As long as your son is not upset l would let it go. To be honest how long will be spending his holidays with you anyway. He will be 17next year so surely he can stay at home if he doesn't want see his father's family

Piffle11 · 20/08/2019 14:48

Actually I agree with you. I think there's a fine line between 'teasing' and bullying … there are adults in my family and DH's who seem to confuse the two to suit their purposes. My DF is an utter snob, but if he feels 'outdone' by someone, he will retaliate by, in my opinion, taking the piss out of them, as though he's trying to knock them down a peg or two. I've seen him do it to people he thinks he can get away with it with - usually young adults/kids, or old friends he feels 'superior' to. He's not particularly nice at times, and there have been instances when I've been ashamed of his behaviour. I have talked to him about it and his response is always to say I have no sense of humour, he's just teasing, etc. MIL's DH seems to think it's his job to bring people back down to earth if he feels they are getting 'above their station' ... again it's amazing how he only does it to those he knows won't tell him to fuck off. Trying to humiliate someone in front of others is an awful thing to do - and when it's your own DGS! No wonder you were angry. It's good that your DS seemingly rose above it, but it leaves a bad taste, doesn't it? You would think that because of the limited contact FIL could have bitten his tongue for the night.

ReanimatedSGB · 20/08/2019 14:50

I think it's possible that your DS, however well-intentioned, came across as thinking that he's better than them, hence the teasing. And, yes, there are some people in Yorkshire who do go in for 'robust' teasing.
But (for all the increasing awareness that some people are precious as fuck more easily hurt than others) it's a bad idea to teach DC that they have a right to be offended, and that they need to run off crying to Authority, over what might well be good-humoured, friendly teasing.People who are easily offended tend not to make friends easily.

CoolcoolcoolcoolcoolNoDoubt · 20/08/2019 14:57

I am mainly wondering how anyone could not manage to pick something from a chippy menu.. like, I don't know, just chips?

Funnily enough we get this the other way round.. from my family in West London who take the piss out of all things Northern. Even though my aunt was born here originally. It is annoying but you just have to give as good as you get.

Lindy2 · 20/08/2019 15:00

I'd find it irritating too OP but as your son wasn't bothered, for the sake of family relations I'd let it go.
Your son was just expecting things to be the same as at home so it was probably a good life experience to see regional differences.
Your ILs should know better than to tease a 16 year old just because he experiences different things where he lives from them.
I'm in Surrey and I agree that most fish shops sell a lot more than just fish. I was very surprised to walk into one further north and basically have the menu choice of simply "fish".

Happyspud · 20/08/2019 15:04

Your DS was pretty rude and clueless. I’d have been embarrassed and given him a sharp word to be honest.

Your FIL was out of order but his teasing was better than silent disapproval maybe, I suspect he was trying to make light of what sounds like an overindulged teenager.

If your teen is going to act like a bit of a twat, then he needs to get used to reactions to that. If he wasn’t bothered, I like that. He’s clearly comfortable in his own skin. But he might need his mum to back off a little and let him get his edges smoothed over a bit.

(Disclaimer: id really need to meet both the teen and the FIL to get a true reading of the attitudes involved).

youarenotkiddingme · 20/08/2019 15:08

Unless your DS does not like chips and seriously will not eat burger, nuggets, fish, pie or sausage then I'm afraid asking for sushi or to order elsewhere is not a London boy thing - it is a rude snobbish thing.

FFS it's fish and chips. Not a mud pie!

I get that the piss taking could have seemed like bullying - and maybe did step over a line.

But if you visit people you make an effort to fit into their lives. Not make them feel inferior.

And I'm a (more) southern (than you) pansie Wink

jennymanara · 20/08/2019 15:08

There are large regional differences between what is banter and what is bullying. The fact your DS is fine suggests that you may be over reacting OP.

Original poster
NicyB · 20/08/2019 15:09

Thank you all for replies xx It's not escaping me that I may be suffering from 'over protective monther syndrome' ... But I can't help how I feel.

OP posts:
Gatehouse77 · 20/08/2019 15:11

I would be thinking that if DS wasn’t upset by it then I wouldn’t be making an issue of it. However, I would also take the opportunity to discuss it with the family as a whole and individually. My feelings are still valid and I would want to express them but more from an interesting topic - why was my reaction so different and trying to understand that as much as why others reacted differently.

Armadillostoes · 20/08/2019 15:11

OP-I don't think that the issue is the lack of context. But you don't seem to be willing to ask whether your DS might have also behaved in a way which was less than ideal. Rather than berating yourself for not having been sufficiently confrontational, why not ask how you and your DS might have contributed to the dynamic?

Also, if your DS didn't leave feeling hurt or hit at, then why do you feel it was such a problem?

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 20/08/2019 15:13

West London is not the only place that you can get sushi... Confused Your son was rude for suggesting that he orders from somewhere different.

It does seem though like (leaving the food business aside) your son was fine with it, and the long history may have been clouding your view.