Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Recent family trip

63 replies

NicyB · 20/08/2019 14:13

Firstly, new account as I haven't been on here in several months and can't access old account so ... Start again!

AIBU?

we visited my DH's family last week. They are all based in North Yorkshire, where my DH is from originally. Because of 'family politics' in his side of the family and some falling outs in the past, his family have not been very close to our DS and DD - not in the same way my family are. That's also to do with geography since my family are much closer to us. And that brings me to the main point here....

We live in West London (Chiswick) and it's fair to say that my DS (16) is what you could call 'very west london'.

I feel my son was mocked and made fun of during this trip by my DHs family, in particular my father in law. Some of it could be called banter but I think the amount of it and the nature of some of it when into bullying. My DD escaped this, probably because she is only 11. Now my DS did say some funny things which you would expect to lead to friendly playful teasing, for example the night we were all going to have fish and chips DS wanted to know if they did sushi (he wasn't joking). Now I can see why that's funny and why it can lead to 'london boy' jokes by 'yorkshiemen' but like I say it went beyond just benter. My father in law made repeated jokes and mocking comments about DS 'posh boy' accent. Also the 'fish and chip incident' got less funny when my DS, having seen what was on offer at the fish and chip shop, requested he could order something else online. My father in law took this a clear personal affront. My son, I must point out, was unfailingly polite and nice to everyone the whole time. He responded to the moking by just laughing along and smiling. There are loads more specific examples I could give about how the made fun of him but I think I've put accross the general idea.

To be honest, I'm absolutely fuming and don't plan on visiting again. My DH is basically of the view 'well that's what they are like' he doesn't necessarily condone it but is fairly unconcerned - mainly because my DS wasn't really upset by it. DH is saying if they had upset him it would be a different story but since they didn't it's just something we should let go. I found it difficult to hold my mouth and it was only because this was supposed to be a nice opertunity for DS and DD to get to know dad's side of the family better that I tried to keep it all friendly. Now i feel massively guilty that I didn't stand up for my son more. Honestly I actually feel terrible. Terrible with myself and furious with them.

Any advice on how to deal with this is appreciated x

OP posts:

jennymanara · 20/08/2019 15:13

OP are you struggling with the idea that your DS is nearly an adult, and this is making you over protective. I may be way off beam here, but I originally thought reading your OP that you were talking about a younger teen than your DS actually is.

joystir59 · 20/08/2019 15:14

You are stealth boasting about your son. You sound like a London centric snob. YABU.

GotToGoMyOwnWay · 20/08/2019 15:14

I think both your son, you & fil were rude. Fil for the teasing, though that would happen in my family (in the circumstances you describe), your ds was rude to not eat the same as everyone else & you were rude not to pull him up on it.

Vivi890 · 20/08/2019 15:14

I also find this weird. It's not like they don't have fish and chip shops in London, or sushi in Yorkshire. You're acting like they're different worlds! To be honest if someone ask if a fish and chip shop do sushi I'd probably make a joke about it too - it's a very weird question seeing as surely everyone knows that they don't. Also I think it's a bit rude when eating together as a group to snub the entire menu and ask to order something from elsewhere. I'd probably make a joke about that too, more out of awkwardness than anything else, as i'd not really be sure how to act. It sounds like you're being oversensitive You're acting like there's a world of difference between people from London and people from Yorkshire which there just isn't. It sounds like your son did a couple of odd things and FIL made a joke as some people just make jokes? Your son didn't care so what's the problem?

MsTSwift · 20/08/2019 15:15

I agree with you op. Dh had this from his uncles - joshing but with a nasty “who do you think you are?” undercurrent which as adults we are now. We would never treat a visiting teen in our home like that. Dh was the first in the whole extended family to go to university and got into Cambridge to study law so was a sitting target. We don’t see them at all now.

DurhamDurham · 20/08/2019 15:15

It's just one big case of stereotypical people, how very bizarre.

joystir59 · 20/08/2019 15:17

I would rib anyone mercilessly who expected to order sushi in a chip shop or order something different online. Rude, snotty, underwhelming behaviour OP. Chiswick! I'm not at all surprised.

BananasAreTheSourceOfEvil · 20/08/2019 15:19

I dont like the teasing thing where the purpose is to take someone down a peg or two, but if your son took it well then maybe you are overreacting a little.

Having said that, at 16 I think it was quite rude to be offered a selection of food at someone else's home and ask for something completely different not on the menu. Unless there are real dietary reasons, it seems a bit off.

Henrysmycat · 20/08/2019 15:20

My DH is from very very posh Yorkshire stock and we’d still get teased to death if we wanted deliveroo or sushi when we know the nearest village just about has fish and chips and a pub that might or might not cook you a plate of food. And guess what? While everyone has gone to school in the South, “committing such atrocities” as asking for sushi you’d still be called “Southern softie” and be teased to death.
We live in Central London, Marylebone/Fitzrovia and I’m a foreigner and I still have a decent understanding that 24/7 gyms and Peruvian meals are not the norm not even Leeds.
Don’t pick fights and let it go.

SamanthaJayne4 · 20/08/2019 15:26

I think your DS is a credit to you OP. He put up with the stupid banter and remained good natured. He sounds very robust and well balanced. He can choose what he wants to eat as that is usual in your family.

MollyButton · 20/08/2019 15:31

I live in the South, am a Southerner by birth as are my children. They have far better manners than to ask for something else if going
to the fish and Chip shop - and wouldn't dream of asking for Sushi if they knew we were going there. Even the Vegan would just get some Chips if they didn't have a suitable Veggie burger.
Are you sure your son wasn't playing up to them by asking for sushi etc? I could see my son doing that if being teased for being a "posh southerner".

I think as your son was not upset - you are being over sensitive and seem to have the issues.

Namenic · 20/08/2019 15:33

I grew up with a lot of brothers. Getting upset over teasing is unlikely to lessen the teasing and probably would make it worse. I don’t think you ‘sticking up’ for him would have achieved much. Sometimes something a bit self-deprecating helps defuse things.

Deadringer · 20/08/2019 15:36

I don't think your ds was rude, but I think he is old enough to understand 'when in rome' and he probably sounded a bit up himself asking for sushi when everyone else was having fish and chips, particularly when you were with family that you don't see often. He probably learned a valuable life lesson. It sounds like he handled the slagging off well though and as he is not bothered by it you need to let it go.

Summersunshine2 · 20/08/2019 15:49

Your son is probably bigger than you and doesn't need his mum sticking up for him!
It sounds like a great character building trip.
You won't be there to protect him soon when he starts going on West London Lad holidays (albeit to very expensive posh destinations...!)

Waffles80 · 20/08/2019 15:52

Staggered by other posts here. Your in-laws sound bloody rude.

Incessantly going on at a 16-y-old is out of order. He must’ve felt quite attacked by it all, and he does sound lovely.

I’m from the South and DH is from the North. Our children have grown up in Liverpool and have quite strong accents. DH has a very posh relative who had the audacity to mock my children’s accents. She only did it once and I made it very, very clear that we would never see them again should she ever disparage my children’s accents again. We are seeing them next week. DH and I have already discussed how we would deal with negative comments about our children.

Some people are just awful.

LightDrizzle · 20/08/2019 15:53

You say he lives in Chiswick, not under a rock, I’d be pretty incredulous at his asking if a fish and chip shop did sushi, I mean there will be cheapo takeaways even near Chiswick. Does he think all those places offering Doner!!!!Pizza!!!Fish’n Chips!!! - are underselling their roaring additional trade in sushi, vegan falafel and handmade cicchetti?
Any prolonged “teasing” can become a huge bore, or even bullying, so I might have said something if it was too much, but his grandfather might actually have done him a favour as at university or in most workplaces, he is going to mix with people from different backgrounds.
Honestly, the sushi request is like the doubtless apocryphal anecdote that did the rounds about Peter Mandelson going into a fish & chip shop in his Hartlepool constituency and ordering fish and chips “- and some of that delightful looking guacamole!” [mushy peas].
Your son did really well at 16 to weather it all with good humour. I don’t think insulating him from further exposure is necessary, but do tell FIL to bore off if he is like a dog with a bone next time.

iklboo · 20/08/2019 15:56

Not wanting something from the chippy? Did he not fancy baby's yed, pea wet?

Vibiano · 20/08/2019 15:59

Fish and chips? Luxury. All we got was a cup of cold sulphuric acid.

Sorry I couldn't resist. Lancastrian raised in Yorkshire.
I'll get my coat.

TiredOldTable · 20/08/2019 16:00

DS wanted to know if they did sushi

He was being pretentious and rude. Do fish and chip shops in Chiswick sell sushi? Of course not.

No excuses- he was seriously out of order and if he had been my child I would have been mortified. He wasn't nice and polite, he was downright rude.

No-one with any manners staying as a guest would ask for sushi. It is expensive and not necessary. Again to ask for a different meal and to order online is appalling manners.

As a guest you eat what you are given.

The fish and chips shop could have sold him some raw cod or haddock. That is what I would have offered.

Spingtrolls · 20/08/2019 16:02

Sushi in a chippy
I would rib the shit out of anyone who asked that.
But I'm a Northerner living in London. Never come across a fast food place that sells everything including Sushi. Pizza, burger, kebab etc.

He's mad for not trying fish, chips and scraps. Much nicer than sushi. Even if he doesn't like fish, the chips are much better than your local fast food place.

jennymanara · 20/08/2019 16:08

Actually that is a good point. Was your DP taking the piss OP?

chocolatemademefat · 20/08/2019 16:11

I’m Scottish and my dad only insulted people he liked. Take it as family banter and next time you visit suggest to your son that he does without sushi. You know what your FIL is like so why poke the bear.

TiredOldTable · 20/08/2019 16:37

It's just one big case of stereotypical people, how very bizarre.

I thought the same, almost as if someone made it all up.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 20/08/2019 16:39

Most people would polite enough to order something off the menu or say I am really not very hungry would it be ok if I just had beans on toast or something. I don't know anybody that orders from various takeaways on a takeaway night. We go with the majority in this house and everyone at some point gets their first choice. And even up north you can get more than just fish and chips in the chip shop.

whattodowith · 20/08/2019 16:43

Meh. Everyone knows fish n chip shops don’t sell sushi whether they are from Chiswick or Harrogate. Has your son ever visited one before? Clue is kinda in the name ‘fish and chips’ really, I’m sure he wouldn’t walk into an Italian restaurant and expect sushi!

I think most people would mock this or at least want to.

Flip

1 2 3

Swipe left for the next trending thread