To think some people over estimate what counselling can achieve ?

[Lardlizard]

Thinking about something my mum said about how someone she knows should have had counselling for a breavement she went through

Well, I’m certainly not against counselling at all
Anything that helps
Is good as far as I’m concerned
But it’s as if some people thjng no matter what hell you’ve been through
Have a few counselling sessions and all will be right

Counselling isn't intended to make it all alright. It's intended to make you think, review, analyse and find your own solutions to a problem or event.

What are the goals of counselling?

However, these are the five most commonly named goals of counselling:
Facilitating behaviour change.
Improving the client’s ability to establish and maintain relationships.
Enhancing the client’s effectiveness and ability to cope.
Promoting the decision-making process and facilitating client potential.
Development.

I have posted before on this subject. To me, it's just peddling snake oil. Something happened to you. You deal with it. If you think counselling will help then go get some. It doesn't change the situation. Take your example of bereavement. Someone died. You have/don't have counselling. The person is still dead. Live goes on.

No one who knows the first thing about counselling would suggest ‘all will be right’ afterwards.

It doesn't change the situation.

It's not meant to, @PanamaPattie.
It's meant to aid comprehension of the situation, or to help process it, or to gain techniques to ensure it doesn't happen again ... it is far more complex than you suggest, & to maintain that 'life goes on' when many pepole are alive, but dead inside because they need some expert help with awful experiences or situations is ... reductive to the point of absurdity.

I personally didn’t find talking therapies helpful, but I know many people who have benefited greatly. I suspect that counselling is entirely too personal a treatment to be labelled as useful or not in general.

Bereavement counselling really helped me when my dd died.
I was in denial for a long time. I actually found it upsetting at first. It was more about being able to say things that I probably wouldn't have said to my family.
I understand it's not for everyone.

Personally I didn't find it useful. I'm not sure what I was expecting but it went rather like panama said. I told them about why I was feeling really sad at that time (relationship breakup) - "oh that's no reason to be sad, don't feel that way". Well I suppose in the scheme of things it wasn't the end of the world and I knew that, but the fact is I did feel sad.

I also find it a bit silly when people on here say they don't have many friends or find it hard to find partners and are advised counselling. As if a counsellor can talk you in to being an interesting, attractive person when you aren't. I wish!

But for others or for different situations I suppose it could help.

"oh that's no reason to be sad, don't feel that way"

@1300cakes, it sounds like you had a duff counsellor/therapist, that can't have helped at all.
An effective, clued up professional would never have said this to you!

I've done counselling and it took a few tries with different counsellors to find a good fit.

It helped in changing my mindset and giving me tools to cope with some issues that had been ongoing for years. I'm feeling so much better as a result. The issues still exist but I have methods for separating myself mentally and emotionally from them so I can focus on more important things.

To be honest I've learned the older I get that very few adults (including myself) have been taught how to manage difficult emotions. Or even to properly recognise and name them. Good counselling is something a lot of people could benefit from.

It was more about being able to say things that I probably wouldn't have said to my family.

This was it for me - I've posted on MN before about how the real value of counselling for me was being able to tell someone about persistent suicidal thoughts and them not freak out. We were able to talk about it in a really calm way that made the whole experience much less scary and exhausting. HOWEVER, she did tell me in the next session that I should get a boyfriend soooo.....

I think counselling is useful if the person fully engages, has the type of personality who responds to talking therapy and wants to start feeling better by challenging their thought process before trying meds. It is a very personal process and doesnt suit everyone but in my case it allowed me to recover without having to go back on meds. Very grateful to have been able to have counselling at my gp surgery.

Counselling is not snake oil - that is the talk of someone who could use a bit of counselling...

It depends on so many factors and caveats but I am a big fan of counselling. Essentially, it allows someone to ‘unpack’ some of their baggage with another person who isn’t emotionally involved but will ask the right questions. These questions can challenge circular ideas or wrong thoughts, or just provide a space to air ideas.

Inevitably, that kind of reflection can lead to life improvement, confidence, emotional outlet/stability and all kinds of other positive things. For couples, it can force each other to hear what the other one is saying (reflected through the counsellor). For individuals, it can force them to break negative patterns which are holding them back or making them miserable. Grief counselling can give space for discussion of the dead person and reassurance about the process of grieving.

I think it depends on the person and the issue. I have chronic depression and ADHD, nothing associated with any past trauma just shit genetics. I didn't get much from counseling other than confirmation of my issues. Meds have been far more effective. But that's me.

Ime is the 'i'm fine', 'I don't need counselling' people who actually DO need counselling.
That was me.
I now realise that many things had happened in my life which I had 'dealt with' by not dwelling on them and moving on - but another word for that is suppressing.

Be warned - it will catch up with you eventually, even many decades later.
Yes, you need to speak completely honestly to the counsellor. And some counsellors will suit you better than others.

Essentially, it allows someone to ‘unpack’ some of their baggage with another person who isn’t emotionally involved but will ask the right questions. These questions can challenge circular ideas or wrong thoughts, or just provide a space to air ideas.

This for me too. I was in psychotherapy for several years. I feel so much more able to form relationships (platonic and romantic), and so much more aware of and accepting of who I am as a result.

Contrary to my posting history on mumsnet, I’m actually not one for ‘chatting’. The ‘talk therapies’ sound as though they are all about conversation, but I’ve found they are not (for the most part). So here are two true things about me:

1. I deeply believe people need to toughen up and not stew about their problems. Resilience is becoming a lost skill, and it’s obvious everywhere that ‘victimhood’ is now something to be aspired to. Most people don’t need sympathy, they need to get on with meaningful employment and improving the state of the world. I’ve always tried to ‘buck up’ as a first response to problems.

2. I have had loads of therapy. It has been by far more effective than anything else alone or in combination (meds, friends, resilience, diet & exercise). It has very efficiently reframed key perspectives I had, that were holding me back in life. It’s helped me in family, marriage, work and personal problems. I have learned practical skills that I deploy in everyday situations and that conserve my energy. I now react to the world differently, have healed old emotional wounds I never even knew were affecting my days and have come to terms with stuff I can’t change. It’s been bloody marvellous.

No counsellor I’ve had is in the business of pouring out tea & hugs and doing a Sybil Faulty-style ‘Ooooooo I know’. Nor are they determined to make you cry about your childhood. They listen, then they hand you emotional tools to use to improve your life, whatever situation you’re in. It’s up to you to learn, and use those tools. Sometimes you need a re-calibration so you go back and check. Like doing a wheel-alignment on your car, so you ensure you’re travelling in the right direction.

Sometimes they can just help you with the process of giving up on someone or something. With therapy, you can leave them behind, knowing you did your best.

Therapy doesn’t come with guarantees. That would be like hoping you’ll wake up with fabulous hair every day, because you went to the salon for a cut 6 weeks ago. Your hairdresser can give you a good cut and some key tips, but what you wake up with next Tuesday is fundamentally down to your own efforts.

But it’s unlikely that going down the therapy route, with proper commitment, will ever do you any harm. That’s why people suggest it as a potentially helpful thing!

I suppose it depends on the issue. I had counselling after a bad break up and didn't find it helpful. I told her the same stuff I'd already told my friends, and she didn't say anything that I hadn't already heard or thought of myself.

But a friend had counselling after experiencing depression and suicidal thoughts and she said it was transformative to talk to someone who could be objective and who she could tell the whole story to. I know they got her to think about things in a completely different way and gave her strategies for the future.

Until I experienced something very traumatic, I would never have considered counselling. But I am not ashamed to say that I found it incredibly helpful and has profoundly changed the way I think about/assess certain situations and myself.

I'm by no means "cured" of what ailed me (psychologically speaking) but I am now aware of some things I do and why I feel the way I feel, and how that came about, and am a better, mentally healthier person for it.

I was incredibly lucky to find someone who I clicked with from the first moment; and it was the best money I could have spent. There is no way I would have ever reached the point by myself. I am considering future appointments as well, in the same kind of "routine maintenance" way I see my osteopath every few months.

Therapy doesn’t come with guarantees. That would be like hoping you’ll wake up with fabulous hair every day, because you went to the salon for a cut 6 weeks ago. Your hairdresser can give you a good cut and some key tips, but what you wake up with next Tuesday is fundamentally down to your own efforts.

So much this. It takes work from you to undergo counselling. I had CBT/counselling and it genuinely saved my life.

PersonaNonGarter "Essentially, it allows someone to ‘unpack’ some of their baggage with another person who isn’t emotionally involved but will ask the right questions. These questions can challenge circular ideas or wrong thoughts, or just provide a space to air ideas."

"For individuals, it can force them to break negative patterns which are holding them back or making them miserable."

Perfect summaries for how I experienced it, thanks Persona.

I worked as a counsellor and have had plenty of counselling myself (as part of my training).

I agree with what SkittlesandBeer has said.

Mid/long term counselling, by which I mean anything from a few months to years depending on the issues, can be very effective with the right counsellor and the willingness of the client to engage in the process.

Counsellors won't solve your problems or tell you what to do. 6 sessions of counselling which is commonly offered is absolutely nothing. I totally understand why someone who's been offered a few sessions on the NHS says it hasn't achieved much. In my experience I sometimes saw the wrong client in therapy e.g. someone has been scapegoated but it's not really them who needs to address their issues per se!

In a nutshell the effectiveness depends on:
Wanting to make positive changes in your life and/or being in the right place to address emotional issues. Some people don't want to change if it means actually changing.
Having a good counsellor and the right type of therapy. You may need to shop around. Don't be put off by one rubbish counsellor.
Plenty of money! You'll probably benefit from more sessions than you realise

The big problem is that it's so nebulous. It's not like taking a pill with exact ingredients that have been shown to work in xyz ways with people like you. It's just two humans talking, and if the counsellor is inexperienced or rubbish, it can do more damage.

As a counsellor I also spent a lot of time reassuring people that it was normal to feel x y and z.
Sometimes that's all people need, in times when any kind of emotion seems to need to be medicalised.

I think the problem with counselling is that the profession is so varied in terms of training requirements which means some counsellors are shit.
There are some really good therapists out there though. And for some problems medication can help the symptoms but doesn’t address the cause which isn’t helpful long term. There’s a reason why talking therapies are recommended for psychological distress and that is because the evidence base proves that they work. Some are more effective than others just as some therapists are more effective than others.
You just need to avoid the airy fairy woolly type counsellors and go with someone who has trained rigorously. If training requirements were tightened up it would benefit both the profession and the public by getting rid of the daft ones.

I also find it a bit silly when people on here say they don't have many friends or find it hard to find partners and are advised counselling. As if a counsellor can talk you in to being an interesting, attractive person when you aren't. I wish

So people only become partners with or wish to spend time with people who are interesting and attractive - no wonder there are so many lonely people out there - they must be the boring, ugly ones .
The thing you need to learn is who you are and be comfortable in your own skin. This isn't easy but if you can go someway to this you will be a happier, calmer person and more likely to attract friends and partners. Counselling can help you get a perspective on the things you dislike about yourself.