To not want to open a massive can of worms?

[Justmuddlingalong]

I have a young relative who, in my opinion has many traits of high functioning autism. Discussing it with DP got a bit heated tonight. He thinks we should bring it up with the parents. I don't. Who's being unreasonable?

Bring it up in what sense? I'd steer clear as its really not your place to discuss unless they raise it.

Even if a close relative you keep quiet unless asked an opinion.

Even if one of you happens to be a peadiatrician or Ed Psych.

And I assume neither of you are?

I think it depends if you have any experience/ professional expertise to do with ASDs.

Just hypothesising on a general hunch may be risky and open a can of worms, as you say. However, if you feel like you have some kind of experience then the suggestion may be more palatable to hear from you.

Bring it up as in mention it. It's definitely not our place to suggest it. That's my argument with DP. But he thinks he would rather someone mentioned it to him if it was his child. His heart's in the right place, but he's oblivious to the fallout it could cause.

Surely his own parents would know

I have experience of working with adults with differing levels of learning and behavioural difficulties. Not children though.

I work with children with autism and I would never voice my concerns to a friend or relative without being asked first. One of my friends even asked if I thought their child may be on the spectrum would I bring it up and I said no not unless you asked my opinion.

Say nothing.

I won't say a thing. And I trust DP's promise not to either. Although, he now thinks that if there is a diagnosis at some point, we should admit to having had an inkling.
I don't. I want to ignore the whole subject and plead ignorance whatever the outcome.

I am in a similar situation and have been emphatically told by professionals and non-professionals absolutely not to. All say it will be picked up at school and to be supportive but feign ignorance if/when a diagnosis is made.

I really feel an early diagnosis is better but don't want to hurt the parents, who thus far have NEVER mentioned it.

Maybe the parents know already and chose to keep it between themselves only.

No. I really can't imagine that if they had worries or a diagnosis, they wouldn't say to me. We are very close family members and really close knit. That's why DP feels like we're keeping something from them. But we don't really know anything.

No. It's not your place to.
His parents may well be aware of his ASD traits but waiting until the right time for them to do anything. It's not compulsory to rush out and get a diagnosis you know.
I don't think you bringing it up, without the parents clearly raising the subject first, would be appreciated.

I have been on the other side of this, although it was significant developmental delay (which turned out to be a brain malformation). Once DD1 was diagnosed, I had many well-meaning people telling me that 'they had suspected something was wrong but didn't want to upset me'. That made me very angry, because I had been saying that I thought something was up and no professional would believe me, and friends said nothing to agree with me.

It's hard. I think there is no harm in making observations in a positive way (e.g. "Lucy really likes to know what's going to happen, doesn't she?") rather than "have you considered that your child has ASD because of "

DD2's head teacher used to say "DD2 doesn't like suprises/needs consistency/needs to know what's happening/likes clear instructions/likes us to be explicit..." she knew, and we knew, that she was describing her ASD traits. It was only in year 5 that she said "ok, DD2 is falling apart because she's changed classes and I'm concerned she won't cope with transition to Secondary school. At that point I said "will you back us with CAMHS?" DD2 was diagnosed 2 years later (2 year waiting list).

Not your place to say anything.

Definitely don’t. Why would you? There is nothing to be gained and you aren’t professionals in the relevant areas anyway.

Almost every parent knows another child that could do with some sort of intervention. It’s irrelevant unless the child’s parents themselves act to change.

I've never been asked for my opinion. Therefore as I said in my 1st post, I'll keep that to myself. However I'm frequently asked to deal with behaviour that the parents find challenging.

I think that's a bit different. If the parents ask you for advice about the child's behaviour or even for you to deal with it then you have an opening to suggest seeing GP/looking at a diagnosis.

You're not doing anyone any favours by keeping it to yourself when they're obviously struggling.

We are going through an autism diagnosis at almost 15.

If a member of my family had sat me down and calmly explained that all those things I had pushed to one side could indicate autos I would have sought a diagnosis a hell of a lot earlier.

Knowing what I know now I would talk to them sensitively.

I agree with you - he should keep his nose out.

I worry that they'd see that conversation as a slight on the child. One parent in particular is very defensive of the child and I fear would explode at the mere suggestion.

Would the child benefit from it?
If yes it's worth gently mentioning,even if just with the parent that's more open to it.

If not,let it be.

If they were starving/over feeding him,neglecting him, ignoring medical needs would you still keep quiet?

Obviously not. But it's a dilemma. As others have said, I'm not qualified to diagnose anything. I would be suggesting something may be wrong with their child. Isn't that different to reporting real neglect?

With a defensive/explosive parent personality I would not, no. In fact I don't know if I ever would. If they have these traits to the point it's obvious then I'd just hope it will be picked up on by nursery, school etc.

There's nothing 'wrong' with autistic children, there's something neurologically different, but not 'wrong'. That makes me feel quite uncomfortable.