To not want to open a massive can of worms?

[Justmuddlingalong]

I have a young relative who, in my opinion has many traits of high functioning autism. Discussing it with DP got a bit heated tonight. He thinks we should bring it up with the parents. I don't. Who's being unreasonable?

Perhaps a new year and new teacher will pick up something. I swing between hoping there is an explanation and hoping there isn't. ☹️

I used the word wrong, not because that's what I think, but because I worry that the parents will think that's what I think by suggesting it.

I've been in a group chat for years with a friend and we all think one of the other mum's kids is autistic. None of us have ever said anything directly, but I have hinted by suggesting techniques to help manage his behaviour that are used in autism (like now and next boards)

i think the only thing it would be helpful is if they are struggling.and the person suffering is suffering.then giving your support and being there for them would mean being a good loving member of their family.so it depends what angle you are coming with
sisters best friend new.everyone new.but noone was doing anything and the lad was falling apart and getting worryingly sick and everyone was too but still nnone would/could/did anythign for various reasons.my sister didnt go to her with "do you think he could have" but instead just sat down and told her she was there for her and blah blah the rest of that kind of speach.and her friend broke down and tld all hr worries and fears.they went to the doc otogethe then and she became one of their bigget support including the dcs.

I'm honestly not trying to be a dick and I get that it's tricky.

But if you do have an opening, i.e. being asked for help with behaviour I believe you could at least suggest a GP appointment or that you see some of the signs displayed by your service users etc.

I'm frequently asked to deal with behaviour that the parents find challenging

You could suggest that the type of behaviour is something you're not sure of and suggest she looks it up online, maybe alongside a couple of other behaviours she's mentioned.
Try it yourself and see what happens, but don't say anything.

If she does that for any behaviours he's displaying, she'll come across autism being mentioned more than once, and you'll not be the one who has directly suggested autism to her.

Of course, she could have already done that, seen the autism links and closed her mind to it.

Also, it's not uncommon for one or both of the parents of an autistic child to have autism themselves and what other people would think are indicators of autism are that family's ordinary so aren't actually seen as differences.

My oldest dd has many asd traits, I'm a teacher and can see it myself. She has had signs for as long as I can remember. She does not have a diagnosis and I don't want her to have that label. I know my child and I know that her having that label will make her worse.

School have always been very good she has extra support for transition times and exams due to anxiety. We don't spring surprises on her ever and prepare her for going to unfamiliar places.

The amount of people that ask me have I considered asd and I politely tell them we are fine the way we are.

The parents are probably very aware something is there but maybe they want to leave things the way they are.

They see a pediatrician for toileting issues. So the family are on the radar. School attendance is patchy.

practically perfect have you considered that your DD may be wondering why she finds everything so difficult to deal with compared to her peers? There may come a time where she finds out for herself. My DD2 has been diagnosed at 11 and it has so empowered her to know that there is a reason that she doesn't cope well with surprises/change/transitions. Additionally, having a diagnosis will protect her if she is negatively treated for her difficulties.

Of course you're her parent, but I think at 15, a child should be given the information to decide themselves whether to pursue diagnosis.

My DD1 (13) went to the Paediatrician yesterday, and despite having significant learning disability (special school), the Paediatrician and I involved her in the discussion about ASD assessment and the benefits it could have in providing her with appropriate support, as she's getting older and traits are becoming more apparent.

Only if they ever mention any concerns, then I might gently suggest it.

I was your daughter @practicallyperfectwithprosecco - I spent twenty five years wondering what was wrong with me and why I found everything so hard. I can't believe that, as a teacher, you wouldn't seek a diagnosis for your child.

I was a teacher for ten years. I've seen children with high functioning ASD crumble as they progress up the education ladder.

You are denying your daughter the truth about herself. That's dangerous.

Have to agree with the above practicallyperfect. I'm pretty sure I have Aspergers and I've always wondered why I'm 'weird' and why my brain works differently to other people's. It's been really bad for my mental health as an adult.

Having spent nearly a year off work with mental health issues I look back and think if I was at school now I would probably have been diagnosed with something. I wonder how well I would be now if this had been acknowledged and I'd had some support. I'm definitely different from most people I know and find lots of interactions more difficult than I should, I've had to learn to copy what others do to fit in enough. If I was you @practicallyperfectwithprosecco I'd get a diagnosis, she will need to live her life without you at some point. Getting a diagnosis when she's at university or because she picks up on it will be a good enough reason to damage your relationship forever if you could have let her manage her own care earlier.

Yeah I'd stay out of it tbh, if it's the case I'm sure his parents /teachers will (or already have) noticed

Be aware that even if you are correct and your intervention ends up being helpful in the long run, a parent’s initial instinct to being told that there is possibly an issue with their child is to shoot the messenger.

@practicallyperfectwithprosecco
I don't want her to have that label
I've met several teachers who also consider autism is a "label" You do the children in your care a great disservice by speaking about their diagnosed medical conditions in such a disparaging way.

A diagnosis of autism is carried out usually by a team of medical professionals. It's not a label, jars of jam have labels.

The amount of people that ask me have I considered asd
As it's so obvious to other people that they would draw your attention to it, that indicates that her behaviour is far from "fine"
If she was "fine" then no-one would suggest the possibility of ASD to you, would they? It's hardly the sort of thing that comes up in general conversation. She must be displaying some unusual behaviours for them to have noticed, and it must have been repeatedly observed for them to mention it to you.

School have always been very good she has extra support for transition times and exams due to anxiety. We don't spring surprises on her ever and prepare her for going to unfamiliar places
And what happens as she wants to become more independent, out of the environment you are so tightly controlling, into the real world that is full of surprises and unknowns?

This thread was started by someone with your attitude towards asking for an autism diagnosis, it makes for interesting reading.
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3629648-to-avoid-getting-my-son-diagnosed?pg=1

I'd avoid it unless asked directly for your opinion. I certainly wouldn't do as your DH suggests and if there is a diagnosis say you suspected. What exactly would be the motivation there? To prove how smart he is?
My friend's DD has just been diagnosed with Asperger's. I feel bloody awful because she asked me a couple of times if I thought there was something like that going on and I said no way. I genuinely didn't see it... still don't. But friend apparently felt like she was losing it for years because she was the only one who thought it. And she was right.

I've met several teachers who also consider autism is a "label" You do the children in your care a great disservice by speaking about their diagnosed medical conditions in such a disparaging way.
"Label" in a sense that a diagnosis can become life-limiting, i.e. you can be barred from certain careers, flag up social services in case you are having kids - things like that.

How old is the child? Next time they bring up anything about his behaviour you could ask if the school have said anything.

No. He doesn't want to mention it to prove how smart he is. 🙄

The child is 8.

@FishCanFly

"Label" in a sense that a diagnosis can become life-limiting, i.e. you can be barred from certain careers, flag up social services in case you are having kids - things like that

Which careers, out of everything an autistic person may wish to do, which ones specifically bar diagnosed autistic people? Is there a list somewhere?
It's not the Police, as evidenced on that thread I linked to in my previous post.

What sort of automatic SS involvement is there for diagnosed autistic people reproducing?
Many autistic parents post here, none have said they had to have SS involvement because of their autism, please can you clarify your assertions.

We had a child we strongly suspected had ASD. We had numerous meetings with the parents, plenty of things put in place. The parents agreed to it all,sent long emails with instructions but wouldn't budge on the fact that he does not have SEN. The child was lovely, had occasional meltdowns and despite all our efforts he still struggled sometimes.

3 years on and the parents had a baby, and they couldn't tightly control the older child's environment,put him first,give in to certain wants and needs. Once the baby became mobile their sibling started getting violent with the baby, many tantrums at home, etc. cue parents asking for help , and eventually going for a diagnosis. The child is going into y6 .

I wasn't very keen on people 'diagnosing' DS when he was younger. Even though it was nearly always said with kindness (randoms at the bus stop etc, who would follow it up with a remark that their DC/GDC/cousin was on the spectrum.) I have always been more on the side of 'some people are just different, get over it, DS is just cleverer than you.

But he did run into a few problems, so we got a referral and a diagnosis, and there do seem to have been some advantages. But YANBU to keep quiet. When someone wants your opinion, they'll ask for it.

I wouldn’t bet money it’ll be mentioned at school. It’ll only be mentioned if it’s causing them an issue. I say that as a parent of a child with ASD. For years I questioned my parenting and wondered why I found our DC2 such a different experience than DC1. We now know it was ASD. It was only when I asked the question at school that they said... oh well yes- perhaps you’re right. We have close friends relatives with VERY relevant experience and even when I asked them..... they didn’t really say anything. I dearly wish SOMEONE/ANYONE had said something as I felt dreadful for years about behaviour and never had support.

DC2 is relieved that they have a diagnosis now as many of the behaviours we found difficult are just expressions of the ASD so we’ve stopped trying to manage them so much, so everyone’s stress is reduced.

If the parents are already struggling with managing behaviour and asking you for help. Then perhaps suggest they might seek additional support from school/ health visitor/GP, if they speak to one of those professionals they might get the right help/advice.

It sounds like a difficult situation. Do you think the parents may have an inkling but not want to face that it may be ASD or do you feel they don't know the symptoms their DS is displaying could point to ASD? It's an mportant distinction - if they are in denial you will not help by mentioning or even implying and it could ruin your relationship.

If they genuinely don't know it might be a possibility that's different. There are lots of people who still think autism means being non-verbal, rocking 24/7 and wouldn't consider their DC who may talk, play sport, read and write could be on the spectrum. If thats the case you could be helping to explore the possibility but ultimately it's going to come down to whether you want to deliver this message and risk the fall out and what they will do with the info. Will they be upset and look into or will they be angry and shut you down?