AIBU to not want to eat out with DB and DSIL

[Needanewname2]

Myself, DH, DB and DSIL get on really well, as do our kids. We regularly go out to do activities etc. mostly including DM and often DSis too.

There's one thing that's really starting to grate though and I need some perspective.

DS aged 3 has pretty good table manners 90% of the time, at least as far as 3 year olds go. He eats with a fork, eats most things, and will try new food, he happily says please and thank you and he is happy to chatter away whilst waiting for his food and waiting for others to finish. Don't get me wrong he has his moments, yesterday that cat was wearing his cereal because he wanted toast etc. and for betide you if it gets past 5:30 and his food isn't infant of him.

My DNs aged 18mts and 3 are given screens at the table, the older one won't touch anything she might catch vitamins from, and they are regularly allowed to run around shouting in pubs and restaurants. They can't sit still for more than 10 minutes without kicking off or having to be taken for a walk.

My problem is that this is starting to rub off on DS, he has started asking for his "pad" at dinner time refusing to eat things if older DN won't eat them, and asking to get down to run around with them.

WIBU to try and cut down the family meals, or do I just need to chill out?

No helpful advice I'm afraid. However "the cat was wearing his cereal" is hilarious!
Good luck!

I have to say that I would cut down on meal times with them. Getting good mealtime habits in children is hard enough without the being undone or countermanded. Sorry, but no meals with them until they get better eating habits/manners.

Suggests picnics out for the dc and dc - free evenings out instead...

I agree that you should cancel the eating part of the meet ups.

I know it must be annoying for you, after putting in effort - but keep going! He's your child so ask him to follow your rules!

Picnics sound good idea.
I’d not want to eat out in that situ, I may allow “pad” after a sensibility eaten meal though.

Yeah no more eating out with them. Sounds stressful and awful. Unless you can afford to do it often, eating out is a treat and there’s no point going if it’s ruined.

You have a lovely turn of phrase btw

they are regularly allowed to run around shouting in pubs and restaurants.

Regardless of the effect on your own child, that would be a deal-breaker for me. I'd just be embarrassed to be eating with people whose kids are allowed to behave like that in public.

When I was a child, my mum and dad used to hate eating out with my aunt and uncle and cousins because my cousins' table manners were absolutely disgusting - when my younger cousin was about six she was still eating everything with her fingers, spitting out food she didn't like on to the table, pouring her drink into her dinner to make a potion out of orange juice and mashed potato etc, and both kids used to get up and wander around during the meal. My parents just found it all a bit too stressful!

What does catch vitamins from mean?

Don't blame you! Until they can mature a bit no point in making the odd meal out with them into a battle ground at every meal for you at home.

Until they mature or until your DS understands regardless of what happens elsewhere he needs to stick to your rules, whichever comes first.

Catch vitamins - I think OP means they are fussy eaters won't try new food and/or have a limited diet which probably consists of junk.

I'd avoid those situations if i were you. Try to get your family time with them doing other activities. Good manners in young children is golden and I wouldn't risk losing it due to a bad influence. It may be impossible to get back once it's gone. I think if you relax your standards you will look back and regret it terribly. Just my opinion but its much better to have a much tighter approach to manners and behavior when they are little and gradually loosen up once the proper behavior is thr norm and a habit for them. It's REALLY true that you reap what you sow. Put in the extra effort now, it truly pays off.

What does catch vitamins from mean?

Fruit and vegetables?

Catch vitamins from = fruit and veg. Eg anything that's nutritious (well in my house it does!)

I also agree you have a lovely turn of phrase.

But yanbu. I like the suggestion of picnics etc where you can compromise on the rules. Other than that I'd play to ds sense of ego. So tell him the reason he does these things and not have the "pad" the whole time is because he's a big boy and so grown up and well behaved and doesn't need them.

You can always offer it as a reward for behaviour for after the meal. Maybe a little when you're still there or at home.

@MyDcAreMarvel I took it to mean anything ‘healthy’. It made me giggle.

MyDcAreMarvel
What does catch vitamins from mean?
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I thought that was hilarious as was the cat wearing cereal.

I would have steered well clear when mine were that age, just one of those things unfortunately. Fingers crossed they don't ask you why you won't got out for meals with them and the kids any more!

I’m with you on this OP. At this age kids are very easily influenced and if the family allow kids to play with devices at the table and run around then it will rub off onto your son. Some parents are oblivious to how their children can affect those around them which kids running around restaurants or cafes will not be fun for the other people eating there.

People will judge you as being out of order and too strict but table manners and a good attitude to eating nutritious food shapes young children into good kids so stick to your guns! If the nephews are junk food kids then the high sugar in their foods are probably playing havoc with their energy levels, their behaviour is more likely to rub off onto your son than the other way round.

Isn't it funny how fussy eaters almost never want the healthy stuff. I'm genuinely bemused as to why that is.

Keep up the good work !! Trust me, fellow diners (both parents and non-parents) appreciate the effort you are making. Your brother and SIL aren't doing their kids any favours by letting them behave like that. It's also an important (and I'm sure difficult) lesson for your son to learn that not all children have the same rules.

I stopped going out with a close friend and her kids when they were all little because of this. Waste of money as it was so cringey and embarrassing and made mine behave like hooligans.

Thanks all for your replies. Glad to know I’m not being unreasonable.

@MyDcAreMarvel catch Vitamins is anything with fruit and veg in.
Interestingly the don’t eat a lot of junk, less than my DS just no veg and little fruit.

@AnneLovesGilbert and @youarenotkiddingme thanks very much

@MyDcAreMarvel
Really?
It's an obvious jokey way to say they won't eat fruit and veg and will only eat things like chicken nuggets and chips.

Oh my goodness this thread has made me feel so sad. I’m afraid I’m ‘your’ family member. I have a 4yr old and a 20mth old. Girl and boy. We dread going out to eat. We try really hard to get them to sit still and quietly. They don’t/won’t. We take colouring or magazines or quiet toys to try and entertain them. It doesn’t work. They want to get out of their seats and walk round the place. Or they cry/fight/hit etc. We try not to disturb other people if we let them down from the table, but I know that’s unavoidable to an extent.
We will also let them order what they want to eat as going out for food is a treat and they eat well the rest of the time.
I know my family members look down their noses at us and our children’s behaviour. Especially given their children behave a lot like yours. It’s horrible for us.
We don’t enjoy the meal, as one of us is always running round after one or both of your children, while the other rushes their food to switch places.
I’ve started to avoid eating out with my family because of this. They seem pleased. No offer of help from them. No understanding or empathy. Just judgement of what crap parents we must be to ‘allow’ our children to behave the way they do.
They really have no idea how exhausted and low we both feel, pretty much all the time. But then why would they?
By all means, start avoiding them. Tell them why. God forbid your child may start to copy some of this appalling behaviour.