AIBU to not want to eat out with DB and DSIL

[Needanewname2]

Myself, DH, DB and DSIL get on really well, as do our kids. We regularly go out to do activities etc. mostly including DM and often DSis too.

There's one thing that's really starting to grate though and I need some perspective.

DS aged 3 has pretty good table manners 90% of the time, at least as far as 3 year olds go. He eats with a fork, eats most things, and will try new food, he happily says please and thank you and he is happy to chatter away whilst waiting for his food and waiting for others to finish. Don't get me wrong he has his moments, yesterday that cat was wearing his cereal because he wanted toast etc. and for betide you if it gets past 5:30 and his food isn't infant of him.

My DNs aged 18mts and 3 are given screens at the table, the older one won't touch anything she might catch vitamins from, and they are regularly allowed to run around shouting in pubs and restaurants. They can't sit still for more than 10 minutes without kicking off or having to be taken for a walk.

My problem is that this is starting to rub off on DS, he has started asking for his "pad" at dinner time refusing to eat things if older DN won't eat them, and asking to get down to run around with them.

WIBU to try and cut down the family meals, or do I just need to chill out?

Personally I would keep going and stick to your rules at the table.
That way your son will learn to understand what`s expected of him whilst eating out.
And good for you for teaching him table manners.
Very few children/adults have them.
Keep up the good work

*Running round after our children that should say

You're lucky that your son will sit still & eat nicely, but be aware that this may change.
It's your choice whether or not to eat with your relatives, it could be said that possibly your son might set a good example for them to follow.
Why not speak to your brother & sister in law and suggest a "no ipads until after dinner" rule? This could then be used as a reward for sitting & eating nicely?

I've been both sides of this. If i were you I'd try to avoid eating out with them, it doesn't sound fun. I have a friend who's kids run wild and she doesn't care how it affects others as long as they dont bother her, its awful. Also there was a period of time my kids were a nightmare in restaurants, we just stopped taking them to eat out until they were mature enough, that age is different for all kids.

I’ve started to avoid eating out with my family because of this. They seem pleased. No offer of help from them. No understanding or empathy. Just judgement of what crap parents we must be to ‘allow’ our children to behave the way they do.
They really have no idea how exhausted and low we both feel, pretty much all the time. But then why would they?

Given that you find it so stressful why have you been doing it?

No one’s getting any benefit from it so you’re right to stop doing the same thing and expecting a different result.

What help would you want from your family members?

We stopped going out for family meals as some nieces and nephews were allowed to carry on and run about in restaurants. If they want to do that take them to the park or soft play but being in a restaurant mine sit at the table and don’t get get to run about. I used to cringe st the behaviour and it made Dh and and quite uncomfortable so we stopped accepting invites.

Nobody else wants to sit having their dinner with children running about , if we did we’d go to the likes of mc Donald’s or somewhere with a soft play in it.

This would give me the rage. I'm afraid I would have to do a bit of performance parenting with

"We don't use ipads at the table"
"We don't run about and upset other diners"

in the hope that some of it would get through.

I remember one holiday with my DB and DSIL and the two DNs. One of them insisted on reading a book at the table every evening.

Isn't it funny how fussy eaters almost never want the healthy stuff. I'm genuinely bemused as to why that is.

On the other hand, often fussy eaters won't eat a lot of the junk foods either. My daughter was a very fussy eater but wouldn't eat tomato ketchup, mayonaise, chips, burgers, pizza, or any fizzy drinks at all, most desserts, custard, cream, and countless other 'junk food'.
She ate a LOT of a plain rice with chicken and natural yoghurt though. Together.

Op, I wouldn't want to eat out with people who let their DC run around like that, so I would give it a miss maybe until the DC are all a bit older? It is all part of life , learning to sit at a table whilst eating. It all starts to get a bit awkward when you are saying to your child "I don't care what they are doing, we don't behave like that".......

Even at family friendly pubs, the children should be sat down, not running around. The risks of spilling hot food or drink onto them etc is high and they need to learn. But the thing I really do not understand, is if they are incapable of sitting still, then why do the parents still take them out. Why would then even want to if they know that is how they are going to behave? It can't be enjoyable for them surely? Why not accept that the DC are too young to be in that environment?

You don't have to shove a tablet/phone at them all the time either. My DC has always taken a colouring book and pens, or now older, a reading book. She is still only then allowed to use it once all courses are eaten and the grownups are chatting and therefore she has nothing to do. and if a tablet was used, then most definitely with earphones so as not to bother other people with any noise.......

My DD went through a phase of being extremely difficult and during that time I just didn't take her to eating places.

I do think that is something that has evolved over the years. i don't recall eating out like it when I was a child, only on holiday maybe once I was around 7 or 8.

Maybe suggest to them OP about having a later child free meal, just the grownups so that you can catch up and stay out later.

Early this year we visited a vegan restaurant in Glastonbury (Excalibur) amazing food but the dinner was ruined by free range kids literally running riot with their parents completely oblivious to the fact other people were having their evening ruined by these feral kids. I would be mortified if I was with friends or relatives whose kids did this so I feel your anxiety for being at odds over what to do.

It's not luck if they behave in restaurants (nevermind anywhere else ) and it's not the responsibility of your fellow diners to manage your children no matter how tired you are.

It's called parenting and it's thankless hard work which isn't achieved by fobbing them off with devices or pandering to fussy demands. It's bloody boring and mind numbing maintaining consistency with routines and expected behaviours but if you put the time in you're more likely to end up with cooperative and fun to be around kids who don't make a nuisance of themselves in public spaces.

Even after all that you might still be at a loss as to their behaviour or stuck in a rut and not feel like you're making progress that doesn't mean you get to pass the responsibility onto anyone else. For example you might have to avoid meals out for a period of time. Onus is still on you though. You're the parent.

Only come on to say I am stealing the phrase "might catch vitamins from"

I’d stick to picnics or pubs with gardens and designated play areas.

Millie -that sounds really stressful, surely there’s no shame in giving it a miss until they are older if it’s that bad though? Or persisting if you feel ducking out would be isolating, it’s up to you obviously, but you’ll have to try to care less about them not conforming. In your shoes I’d keep working on table manners at home and save myself the grief of restaurants. When your children are 18, nobody will give a shit whether they were eating like the Von Trapps at 20 months and 4 yrs old. All children are different, the OP’s might be little shites when it comes to bedtime.
I don’t see why it’s so bad that she should want to insulate her own DC from copying unhelpful behaviour where it’s avoidable. You don’t find it much fun, surely you can see why she’d want to avoid the same?
DD1 was pretty good, but we didn’t take her abroad on holiday until she was over 2, as it probably wouldn’t have been a lot of fun for anybody. Other people do South East Asia with a baby in a sling and young children, fair play to them. I don’t take it as an implied criticism of my parenting.
Be exasperated, but honestly, try not to be sad, it won’t last forever.

@Millie2017

Don't lose hope. I suggest you persevere at home, wait until your children are a little older, then try again

@AnneLovesGilbert
Why do we do it? Because a lot of family events seem to involve eating. We would miss a great deal of time with our wider family if we refused all invites of this nature.
What help do we want? When my DM was alive she would read them a story, or do some colouring with them or a sticker book. Maybe some of our siblings (there are 5 with no children) could maybe offer to do something like that? Even a few minutes to allow us to actually eat something would help.

Actually, we have family like this and it's not so much the annoyance of the other children's behaviour but the sadness of seeing how they entirely dominate everyone's attention.

There have been occasions when DS (oldest and quietest) has sat through a family meal and even Christmas Day where his only interaction was with DH and I because his GPs, Aunts and Uncles were so busy pandering to DNeice and DNephew!

It's bloody awful.

I don't want to eat out with my own child because once shes bored...shyte meet fan🙄 But to be fair she is 5 (boundary pushing galore) and has ASD. So like many have said try somewhere with a garden or playground maybe? Or find the bravest baby sitter so you can do a couples night?

@Millie2017 I don’t think it can be completely fair to blame your siblings for not wanting a restaurant experience to be so difficult. My 3 boys were challenging at one point and our family relationships didn’t suffer for not eating out, stop going to restaurants and invite people round to it until your kids are ready.

OP, you are not being unreasonable at all, I’d start suggesting different social activities with your relatives until the children are at a more manageable age

The best thing you can do is stop your child believing he has to behave like others. Shielding him from others’ behaviour is not the answer.

When he asks just tell him he doesn’t need his iPad at dinner. Or that he loves vegetables, or that he doesn’t need to get down from the table, or distract him in conversation.

Op I could have written your post, right down to the ages.

I don't have any siblings, but DH has a DS who is married and has a son (DN who is 4 months older than our 3yo son). DSIL is pregnant, due in November.

DS is by no means an Angel, he is three after all, but MOST of the time we can rely on him behaving well when we are out and and about, and at mealtimes.

I suspect strongly that DN is on the ASD spectrum, and can see SIL and BIL are struggling with his behaviour. To my knowledge that have not identified that he might be neuro atypical, and in any case, seem to pander to his demands, let him eat all the snacks he wants, get down from the table, demand different food, etc.

When together, DS' behaviour deteriorates and it takes us a solid week to get him back to his normal self. It's hard because we love our family, can see our DBIL and DSIL struggling and already making snappy comments about how bad their son behaves in comparison to ours, and generally feeling fed up and not good enough.

So we just suck it up and chill out when we're together. We only see each other 4-5 times a year as they live about 3 hours away, and I guess for us we just decided it's the price we pay to have a good relationship with the family we love.

Not sure that helps, but it's my approach. We avoid meals out and just say let's try to save money and picnic / eat in / get take away after kids are asleep.

Good luck!

They’ll suck the life out of everyone if allowed to. Thankfully my Neice and nephew are as good as gold at the table because if they stepped out of line my sister is on it.

Isn't it funny how fussy eaters almost never want the healthy stuff. I'm genuinely bemused as to why that is.

My fussy eater is fairly healthy - she eats most vegetables and fruit, loves cheese, plain fish, yoghurt and rice. Dislikes cake, chocolate, any drink other than milk or water, most meat, sweets and ice cream. Her diet is much healthier than mine. 🤷🏻‍♀️

How often do you eat with these people OP? I would be surprised if it was often enough to affect your DS unless you shared a house tbh