AIBU to not want to eat out with DB and DSIL

[Needanewname2]

Myself, DH, DB and DSIL get on really well, as do our kids. We regularly go out to do activities etc. mostly including DM and often DSis too.

There's one thing that's really starting to grate though and I need some perspective.

DS aged 3 has pretty good table manners 90% of the time, at least as far as 3 year olds go. He eats with a fork, eats most things, and will try new food, he happily says please and thank you and he is happy to chatter away whilst waiting for his food and waiting for others to finish. Don't get me wrong he has his moments, yesterday that cat was wearing his cereal because he wanted toast etc. and for betide you if it gets past 5:30 and his food isn't infant of him.

My DNs aged 18mts and 3 are given screens at the table, the older one won't touch anything she might catch vitamins from, and they are regularly allowed to run around shouting in pubs and restaurants. They can't sit still for more than 10 minutes without kicking off or having to be taken for a walk.

My problem is that this is starting to rub off on DS, he has started asking for his "pad" at dinner time refusing to eat things if older DN won't eat them, and asking to get down to run around with them.

WIBU to try and cut down the family meals, or do I just need to chill out?

Oh, and @FrangipaniBlue, I hear ya!

We often have to "just let it go" when we see four grown adults (DBIL, DSIL, MIL, PIL) flap around DN, who they babysit for free two days a week.

We live in London and have no help and no family nearby, and it smarts to feel that DS is left out as ignored just because he behaves better and therefore demands less.

All that said, I know they love him, and us, and it's a dynamic that we aren't part of because we moved away and chose a very different life for ourselves and DN, so we kind of accept it.

It does smart though!

Isn't it funny how fussy eaters almost never want the healthy stuff. I'm genuinely bemused as to why that is.

Because it doesn’t taste as good as the non healthy stuff?

However, that’s not the case for me. Give me a baked potato and salad any day of the week. Curries, pasta, cream laden sauces never pass my lips.

I would hate that with a passion. Our 3 DC are perfectly able to sit in a restaurant without iPads or other distractions. They don't feel the need to get up and walk around. Food goes in their mouths and not everywhere else. We're not posh. We eat on the settee at home (no dining or kitchen space) but table manner can still exist without a table.

A friend's kids (same ages as mine) however? I struggle trying to eat with them. They're up, they're down, they're wasting food, their food is everywhere but in their bellies. One even stood on the picnic bench table (at a picnic of course) accidentally kicking over DD's drink. He's their youngest at 7, no SN.
Any use of cutlery is single handed, shovelled from plate directly into their mouths (plates held high off the table at their faces)

I just cannot eat with them any more so avoid it wherever I can.

My sister's children though I would have no problem telling them straight. I'd happily be the bossy aunt and tell them to sit their arses down because they are giving me indigestion! In fact, I have done many a time. They may go home thinking I'm a right cow but so be it.

@Millie2017 what are they like during meal times at home?

My dd struggled to sit still at this age. I used to wonder why this was when some other children could manage.

She is 11 now. I got the a few years ago : She has an inordinate amount of energy in relation to her peers. She will do sleep overs, then do a full day of dancing, next day be out all day, sleep in a bit later the following day or go to bed early and be ready to roll, off and out again.

None of her friends can cope with her demanding schedule so she rotates seeing them. Some are at the other end of the spectrum and get fatigued far more quickly. I’m sure these were the ones willing to sit and chat at 3.

Some people just let their children run riot, yes, but other children just aren’t capable of sitting quietly chatting so young. You wouldn’t be unreasonable to avoid eating out with them though.

@Millie2017

Sorry you feel upset by the thread, but I'm really trying not to be a judge pants. This one thing isn't a priority for them where it is for me. I want to find a way through it without upsetting our lovely relationship as its really important to all of us.

@LightDrizzle NAILED IT! In bed for 7:00 every night Saturday night he finally gave in and went to sleep at 10pm, last night it was 9:15. On Saturday we were up from 1:30 to almost 4am because "the cat was looking at him" When he eventually fell asleep my back had seized up and I couldn't get out of his bloody toddler bed. Gave in and fell asleep with my feet up the wall!

@Millie2017 Some kids find it harder to sit still and amuse themselves than others do, and inevitably, that is annoying for the adults around them. It's not a criticism of your parenting at all, it's just a fact. You're clearly doing everything you can to try to keep your children occupied, but that doesn't make your kids' behaviour any less stressful for the people around you. If you struggle with them, relatives probably aren't going to find it any easier than you do to step in and help.

It sounds like they're still too young to manage a long meal out - this is true for so many small children, it's just the way it is. So making this clear to family is perfectly OK and the best solution for everyone, surely? It's not like there aren't other ways you can socialise with family - you can do more casual stuff instead, like picnics, barbecues etc where the kids can run around and play to their hearts' content and it doesn't matter what they do or don't eat.

How often do you eat with these people OP? I would be surprised if it was often enough to affect your DS unless you shared a house tbh hmm

Noooo! That's not the way it works! It's like when Father Dougal met Father "Damo" - five minutes later he'd got his ear pierced. Whereas handcuff him or one's own children to the winner of Child Genius for two years and they would survive untouched.

@Lulualla well clearly the vitamin comment was not obvious to me, or I would not have asked the question!
Thanks op and other pp’s who answered without the need for sarcasm and rudeness!

...the older one won't touch anything she might catch vitamins from LOL