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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

About MILs visit......

58 replies

PutThatInYourPipeandSmokeIt · 05/08/2007 16:05

MIL is coming over from 'abroad' for a week at the end of September and lovely though she is, she is very chatty, sits around all day and is generally very theatrical and attention seeking. I'm not very good with people 24/7 anyway and I do find that when people come, timely breaks do me the world of good and my humour remains manageable. Incidently MIL arrived for 9 days the day after DD was born and though DH fielded her well, it was never my choice that she came so soon. Anyway, I digress....

DH wants to take her to a show one night, so I said (as egg shell walking and buttery as I could) that I wouldn't mind babysitting while they both go and having some time out for just that one night, on the assumption that it will be fairly full on with her most of the rest of the time (AND I discover that he's working 2 of the days that she's over . I also made it clear that it's not personal to his mum and that I would want to do the same even if it was a close friend of mine (which is absolutely true. I'm hopeless!).

This was met with a very bad response (I thought). He said that we all have to do things that we don't want to do and the next time my parents come over he'll be unavailable and do his own thing (they live an hour away and come for 3 hours in the day once every 1-2 months and he's rarely here because he's at work). He also said that he doesn't think he'll be available for DDs blessing thingie either as that's something he was doing for me and he won't bother now.

Have I imagined this or is this a slightly odd response?

OP posts:

Nightynight · 05/08/2007 16:11

no, he is right, you should go. It would be weird and bad manners to try and stay at home on your own.

But I sympathise. I too, hate doing things with other people, and would much prefer to stay at home.

WanderingTrolley · 05/08/2007 16:17

Agree with Nightynight.

Go to the show and make sure he sits between you.

He's a bit OTT in his response though.

ChasingSquirrels · 05/08/2007 16:21

I don't think you should necessarily go - but have you explained to him why you want this time out, or have you just evaded the issue? (in a egg shell walking and buttery kind of way). If it was my dh I would explain properly to him (this post does it pretty well).

lemonaid · 05/08/2007 16:23

His response is OTT, but in essence he's right. You ought to go.

EscapeFrom · 05/08/2007 16:27

He is withdrawing from his role as your dd's father because you want some time away from his mother?

Nice

EscapeFrom · 05/08/2007 16:28

And to be honest, if you know you will be fed up of the woman, why the hell should you go?

Lorayn · 05/08/2007 16:37

I'd tell him to stop being a pedantic idiot, ok, fair enough, he wants you to go, and you should try to, its very important for some guys that their partner gets on with their mum, BUT, as for the blessing?????thats HIS daughter too, and hes being incredibly childish saying that he wont go, tit for tat is NOT the way to handle and adult relationship.

Original poster

PutThatInYourPipeandSmokeIt · 05/08/2007 16:41

Oh poo. I did explain clearly about why I wanted the time out and I have told him about this in the past, so it's not new for him. DD is 8 months old and although she's been and is being a dream, I'm suddenly feeling HORRIBLY overfaced by everything and teary etc and in desperate need of time out from having to integrate with anything or anyone that needs anything from me. DH has kindly taken DD out for the afternoon - my first break without her!

We always see MIL for a week due to the distance and she came over in Dec, we went over there in March and now she's coming over in Sep (leaving us with 7 days annual leave to spend as just us for the whole year).

Anyway - the consequences of me not having time out from visitors is that by day 4 I start to feel incredibly knackered and irritated by them being there and am constantly trying to claw time e.g. by reading a book (but she talks at me so I can't read) / going to the corner shop for a grain of rice or some other nonsensicle item we don't need / spending ages in the shower etc. None of that helps much and I just dread and then hate the visit! Oh dear - I know that this is a flaw of mine but we do need a compromise somewhere and he's not allowing me one.

OP posts:

maisym · 05/08/2007 16:42

could your dh take a day off work? and for some of the other days could you have an all day activity planned with a friend - your mil could stay at home.

EscapeFrom · 05/08/2007 16:44

You need time alone. Take it. Youi have a right to it.

If I were you, I would go to the show, but at another time, say "Right, I am going out, see you in a couple of hours. Ring me if there is an emergancy, involving the emergancy services."

skerriesmum · 05/08/2007 16:47

Why should you have to go out with them? (Who would mind the baby?) Why can't your dh spend some time with his mother without you?
Seems an odd response to me.

Original poster

PutThatInYourPipeandSmokeIt · 05/08/2007 16:48

Oh don't get me started - he's a big tit for tat person and 'answers back' in a very childish way to things that just leave me gobsmacked (e.g. I was struggling to sort the sofa cushions out so he offered to do it. I was very relieved and said how fab that would be as they've been annoying me for weeks and I was starting to feel a bit pathetic that they were beating me. He then said sarcastically 'well I'm so sorry I haven't done it for weeks'. I explained that wasn't what I meant and he said 'yes it was'. . Everything with him seems to be a competition at the moment and I just cannot do anything right. I have no idea why and its exhausting.

I can't really talk to him to sort out what are clearly fundamental issues as it will end in him shouting, answering back, tit for tat, being sarcastic, acusing me of being a liar etc etc etc and I just can't face that.

Enough of that. Again I am digressing - this was meant to be purely about the night out with MIL....sorry

OP posts:

rookiemum · 05/08/2007 16:49

Yes whos going to babysit. If there is any cost involved then its a perfect excuse not to go. I don't think you are being unreasonable at all why spend money to go out if you are not going to enjoy it when you will see her for the rest of the week.

Twiglett · 05/08/2007 16:51

I disagree with most posters I think its a perfectly lovely thing for a grown-up son to go out with his mother on his own without his wife

and if the added advantage is that you get some much needed time alone then great

he's just being sniffy .. fark him!

meandmyflyingmachine · 05/08/2007 16:55

I'm a great one for keeping things sweet with the ILs but this doesn't seem unreasonable at all to me. DH ususally takes ours out for an afternoon when they are staying with us, to let me do some 'work' (). They like getting him to themselves, and God knows I enjoy the break.

And his response to you is really childish...

bananabump · 05/08/2007 17:07

YANBU! In fact, it's positively spooky how much your situation closely resembles my own. My dp has been pushing for mil to come down for a week as soon as our baby is born, and had made arrangements with her (on the phone in front of me so I couldn't say no, despite me saying no previously) for her to come down ON my due date. Luckily she seems to be a sensible type and I've been able to put it off until he's here as I'm now overdue.

But dp was the one pushing us together, pushing to get her here on a certain date whether I liked it or not (and if I objected it meant I hated her, obviously) which I didn't understand. I think it boils down to a control issue, or maybe they just don't understand us/care about our preferences?

I'm so like you, I need my space in order to function. In fact I need at least a couple of hours of solitude a day in order to feel balanced after constant exposure to other people. I don't think of myself as antisocial but I know how I work and I'm much more pleasant to be around when I have some head space. Surely your other half knows you well enough by now to know that's just your way?

If I didn't have the baby as a talking point and the excuse of being tired/needing to go and feed him, I'd be dreading mil's visit because of the invasion into my tiny house, and the constant need to "entertain" a guest and be present constantly.

I think you need to write down your feelings and give the letter to your dh. That way you can make it clear and concise, and he can re-read it. I think it's ridiculous he's only just taken your baby out for a bit at 8 months old, no wonder you need some time for your head! You married him not his mother, tell him you thino he should spend some time with her. If he argues it ask him WHY he needs you to be there... it's his mother!

And if you resolve this happily please tell me how you did it, I need all the tips I can get!

DaisyMOO · 05/08/2007 17:12

Erm, so you're being unreasonable by wanting a bit of time on your own without his mother, yet he's going to be at work for two days?

It sounds as though there are other things going on with him really.

bookwormtailmum · 05/08/2007 17:42

Reading this comment, he's punishing you twice if you insist on not going to the show - refusing to be available for your parents and worse to me, refusing to go to your dd's blessing

Original poster

PutThatInYourPipeandSmokeIt · 05/08/2007 18:15

Bananabump - very eloquently put - that's exactly how I feel!

Thank you everyone - the more I read all your thoughts and comments, the more I realise how ridiculous the whole thing is. I've just said to him that if its that important that I go to the show I will but he must tell me exactly that, talk to me in a calm and sensible manner and not turn it in to something horrible like he did. He didn't say very much but he's not in a mood with me and so he is probably delighted that he's won and we haven't yet discussed me having any other time off. I'm now cross with myself because I really don't want to go to a show - they're not my fave things at the best of times (ungrateful bint that I am)! Piss. I hope we talk about it more. He threw the most almighty strops when I expressed a need to discuss a contingency plan immediately post birth if I wasn't coping very well when she came over then. I have to be able to talk to him about basic domestic things dammit. Has anyone got ANY ideas on how to deal with a moody stroppy childish controlling agressive man?

OP posts:

bananabump · 05/08/2007 18:37

"He threw the most almighty strops when I expressed a need to discuss a contingency plan immediately post birth if I wasn't coping very well when she came over then."

Ok, I'm now convinced we're going out with the same man... lol

If your mil is the easy to talk to type you could try getting her on board and telling her you've been feeling overwrought and down recently and dh hasn't exactly been supportive, confide in her that you've been aching for some time alone (if you can cry that might help) chances are she may offer to take your lo off your hands for a few hours while you get some rest, go shopping or just have some time to yourself, AND she may have a word with your dear ingrate. I mean husband.

That would really turn the tables on him! But I agree with what DaisyMoo said actually, I think there are other things going on here, not just the issue about your mil, because there ISN'T an issue with her really is there? If I'm reading you correctly it wouldn't particularly matter WHO it was who was staying as long as you could get a break now and then.

Sounds to me like he wants to "win" just to get some control. I have no practical advice on that one because I feel like I have the same issues within my own relationship. Good luck with it though.

alicet · 05/08/2007 18:37

YANBU to want this time to yourself. If she was coming for 1 or 2 days I would say go to the bloody show and make an effort with his mum. But its a week. When my mil comes up dh and her are more than happy to spend time together (with ds too) so that I can have a break and its not seen as rude at all.

I think now that he's got his way about the show (which for some reason might have been more important to him) I think you should sit him down and explain again to him how you feel when you have visitors - explaining that its nothing to do with it being his mum and you would be the same with ANYONE. Ask him if he will go out with her another night / take a day off work in the middle of her stay so that you can have the break you need. Explain that this will then help you to enjoy your mil's company the rest of the time and make the whole visit a much more enjoyable experience for all of you.

Another option is asking mil if she wants to take your dd out for the morning / afternoon on her own to have some special granny time on one of the days your dh is at work. My mil would JUMP at this and would see it as a treat to be able to do this while you will have the time to yourself - win win!!!!

bananabump · 05/08/2007 18:40

Either that or just get some mystery virus when she's down and take to your bed for a while. Cry off with headaches etc then if mil looks after your dd sing her praises to your dh when he gets home and say she's been ever so good.

Just don't let her catch you watching Top Gun with the sound down and a big bar of half eaten toblerone. Not the way to build bridges!

EscapeFrom · 05/08/2007 19:41

PTIYPASI

I know how to deal with him.

Just do it anyway

You have got the YABU go ahead from us, your Gods, now you may do as you pplease.

Original poster

PutThatInYourPipeandSmokeIt · 05/08/2007 20:59

what does YANBU mean

OP posts:

Nightynight · 05/08/2007 21:04

you are not being unreasonable

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