About MILs visit......

[PutThatInYourPipeandSmokeIt]

MIL is coming over from 'abroad' for a week at the end of September and lovely though she is, she is very chatty, sits around all day and is generally very theatrical and attention seeking. I'm not very good with people 24/7 anyway and I do find that when people come, timely breaks do me the world of good and my humour remains manageable. Incidently MIL arrived for 9 days the day after DD was born and though DH fielded her well, it was never my choice that she came so soon. Anyway, I digress....

DH wants to take her to a show one night, so I said (as egg shell walking and buttery as I could) that I wouldn't mind babysitting while they both go and having some time out for just that one night, on the assumption that it will be fairly full on with her most of the rest of the time (AND I discover that he's working 2 of the days that she's over . I also made it clear that it's not personal to his mum and that I would want to do the same even if it was a close friend of mine (which is absolutely true. I'm hopeless!).

This was met with a very bad response (I thought). He said that we all have to do things that we don't want to do and the next time my parents come over he'll be unavailable and do his own thing (they live an hour away and come for 3 hours in the day once every 1-2 months and he's rarely here because he's at work). He also said that he doesn't think he'll be available for DDs blessing thingie either as that's something he was doing for me and he won't bother now.

Have I imagined this or is this a slightly odd response?

It means You Are Not Being Unreasonable. And I agree!

any chance you can get your own parents over on the days you have to babysit MIL so at least you have moral support?

I think his response is OTT - is there anything else going on that might be bothering him?

At the end of the day I feel it's MIL's choice to live abroad, and your DH should be around if she's visiting, not leaving you to sort her out for a couple of days.

Saying that, we had a falling out with MIL when DS was 3wks, as she came round wanting to pick him up and put out that we were trying to limit his passing around as he'd been bringing up complete feeds and HV told us to keep him still when poss and limit handling by other people. MIL took him out of my arms when we'd made it clear we weren't passing him round and then offered him to step-FIL too. hubby tried to explain the situation, but she started saying how she'd been longing desperately to hold him and outlined all my short-comings as a DIL over the last 11 yrs me and hubby had been together (this on my first mother's day) so we didn't see her for over 2 months, which was absolute bliss.

Families differ in the degree of togetherness they perceive to be "correct" behaviour towards loved ones.

My parents/family are very relaxed and when we stay together in the same house we all come and go, albeit letting whoever is shopping/making the meals well in advance whether we will be there and always inviting everyone else to join in on outings if they want to (but no obligation ever).

My partner's family thinks that when we stay under the same roof we all must do everything together all the time.

The result: we can spend weeks on end staying with my parents but barely 24 hours with my parents-out-of-law before we die of boredom/claustrophobia

So, basically, what I think is that is is much more civilised behaviour not to think that you have to spend every minute together - not rude in the slightest. Everyone needs their personal space, and it is quite right that your DH and his mother should go out together without you, as much for your sake as for theirs.

We have exactly the same situation as you Anna8888 - my family are relaxed and easy going and we can all do our own thing (which actually means that we want to spend more time with them anyway!!!) and pil's are much harder work. Dh agrees too which makes it easy!

Think I'm very lucky and relaly feel for those who have this difficulty with parents / in laws

The difficulties with pils not to do with them wanting us to spend all our time together - mil couldn't care less where dh and I are as long as she gets to see ds! This is a whole other thread though....

tell dh that if he takes the 2 days off work to spend 24/7 with his mum then you will consider going to the theatre with them both .... and you would like to invite your parents too as you/he dont see them enough

I think you dh's reaction is way ott, my MIL comes to stay with us about once a year and we do usually all go out together, but if we plan to go somewhere in the evening without dc's then one of us stays home.

When we go and stay with them we do the same.

If I booked to go to a show with my parents and DH didn't want to go it wouldn't bother me.

bananabump - your post about needing personal space and feeling overwhelmed about constant overexposure to visitors summed up perfectly how I feel. You don't act yourself around them, it's not that you're necessarily on your best behaviour but you're not yourself. Luckily DH feels exactly the same way as I do!
OP, YANNNNNNNBU!

PTIYPASI - I don't have anything new to add, more that I wanted to say that I'm with you and banana and katy etc on this one.

I was truly horrified at the first few posters responses because like you, given the combination of incessantly talking MIL and my need for space, this situation sounds like torture. (I mean torture, I often cringe in her presence because she just can't do silence and says utterly ridiculous things because of her need for noise).

(Before I get shot, I realise she needs to make noise just as much as i need quiet, hence I cringe and bear it rather than request silence.)

I'd be at home on my own everytime (and I swear everyone would be better off for my being there too!)

Message withdrawn

It sounds to me as if parenthood is a bit of a shock for DH, if he does so little with his DD. Perhaps his need for you to go to the show is him trying to get life back to how it was pre baby? If his mum is theatrical and attention-seeking, no wonder he's the same. Does she belittle or dominate him? Does he have a desperate desire to please her/not stand up to her? It's not reasonable and very selfish to expect you to entertain his Mother non-stop just because you're available.
DH sounds very stressed, is there something at work causing him grief, I know what it feels like to be unhappy with work and home situations, it feels like there's nowhere to escape to and can seriously undermine your self confidence. My exH was just like your DH when he had work problems, self-centred, unkind, picking fault, sarcastic, domineering, and getting on everyones' nerves (even friends while on holiday.)
I'm afraid that if this set of issues aren't addressed, they will be thorns in your side for years to come, and you'll end up resenting him as well as his mum.

I think he just doesn't 'get' that you are a different sort of person from him and he expects you to function the same way that he does. Some of us need some time on our own to recharge our batteries. Sounds as if he doesn't (or does, but gets it, and is selfishly ignoring your needs).

I am the same as you over spending too much "quality time" with people (even close friends). I find that when MIL visits a strategic headache requiring a lie down upstairs can be a godsend. You go upstairs and get into bed and have a good book tucked away up there. Presto! a few hours later and you will be able to cope for another day or two.

Go to the show and make the effort but try to agree in advance with your DH that you can take a few hours "off" later in the visit to either see a friend or just go to a bookshop and drink coffee and browse (or whatever you ideal escape is).

The only time my dp goes oTT about anything is when I am tippytoeing on eggshells and speaking through gritted teeth about his mother.
However when my outlaws come to visit, we let them have quality time with their grandchildren while WE go out as a couple. Be thankful yours is a long way away and that you get lots of notice of visits - ours have a nasty habit of just texting to say they are coming, after they've already set off!!
So if yours is coming for a week, have the one night out with her, then let her mind the baby while you do some other stuff, especially on those two days when DP is working.
I can just hear the shops calling you...

Hmm, how to cope with a moody, childish, controlling, aggressive man.
My ex was one of those, and thereby lies the clue as to how I dealt with one

Thanks so much everyone - you are all making me feel so much better about this!

Unfortunately MIL can't mind DD because she's physically unstable and it would just be unsafe. As it is DH banned her from holding DD without supervision.

I wish I knew why DH thought I was having a go at his mother - I went to the US to help her after she had back surgery (DH was there too but just shut himself away and worked as normal) and I'm always thinking of things that she might like to do with us when she's here and suggesting them to DH etc, so I do take an active role in her visits and am the doting DIL generally speaking. He always bristles and defends her when there's no defending to be done....it's most odd.

Also - and now I do think that this is odd. He wants her to stay in a B&B down the road rather than here (which I disagree with) like she did when DD was born BUT what happens in practice is she comes over at 9am and then leaves at 11pm.....I think it's hurtful to her to not put her up but this is all coming from him.

Another coping skill that helps in the short term: I find farting on them while they're asleep immensely helpful in getting sneaky revenge after a day of them being horrible.

I'm talking about your partner, not your mil by the way.

Although...

...and another curious thing - he persistently misreads my body language and facial expressions - he thinks I'm depressed when I'm just feeling a bit snoozy, he thinks I'm stressed when I'm just busy (in a good buzzy way), he thinks I'm angry when I'm just concentrating on something....

Knowing this, I go out of my way to reassure but he won't learn to read me and then implies that I'm lying and that I actually mean what he thinks I mean. It drives me mad.

Think it would make it easier for you in a way if she was staying at yours too - at least then she could make herself at home a bit more and after a couple of days you'd feel more as though you could leave her to chill and make herself at home rather than feeling constantly as though you've got to look after a guest!

His reactions sound most odd and I have to say that if you are doing most of the entertaining of his mum while he is working and he is throwing a strop if you won't he is being VERY unreasonable!

sk him outright why he doesn't want her to stay at yours...

Weird why she should come and vsiist you and have to shell out for B & B..?

So he jumps to mil's defense unnecessarily, accuses you of moods you aren't having, constantly analyses what you're saying/the way you're saying it/acting/faces you're making even when you are in repose...

It sounds like he's very insecure (controlling people usually are, it's the reason why they try to control things/people, to try and get some security and sense of constancy in their lives) Did he have a traumatic childhood or loss early in life?

I'm just having a wild stab in the dark here, could be way off. My dp hasn't had either really but he can be quite controlling and unreasonable too. I think it's as a reaction to my natural dominance (I'm the one with the troubled childhood) because he feels threatened by it. Are you the more practical/problem solving type?

Is he generally bad at reading other people, or is it only you?

mmmm good point. I actually don't know - he doesn't really comment about other people in the same way. He rarely sees his friends - I think he's quite shy despite his attitude 'well they can contact me if they want to meet up'.

I'm just wondering if he has poorly developed social skills. Not meaning to be rude, but if he has general difficulty reading people, then it makes sense that he can't read you (and if he's avoiding his friends). Suspect he may need some help/support with learning these skills. I think it can be done but suspect it isn't easy.

What job does he do and how did he do at school?