About MILs visit......

[PutThatInYourPipeandSmokeIt]

MIL is coming over from 'abroad' for a week at the end of September and lovely though she is, she is very chatty, sits around all day and is generally very theatrical and attention seeking. I'm not very good with people 24/7 anyway and I do find that when people come, timely breaks do me the world of good and my humour remains manageable. Incidently MIL arrived for 9 days the day after DD was born and though DH fielded her well, it was never my choice that she came so soon. Anyway, I digress....

DH wants to take her to a show one night, so I said (as egg shell walking and buttery as I could) that I wouldn't mind babysitting while they both go and having some time out for just that one night, on the assumption that it will be fairly full on with her most of the rest of the time (AND I discover that he's working 2 of the days that she's over . I also made it clear that it's not personal to his mum and that I would want to do the same even if it was a close friend of mine (which is absolutely true. I'm hopeless!).

This was met with a very bad response (I thought). He said that we all have to do things that we don't want to do and the next time my parents come over he'll be unavailable and do his own thing (they live an hour away and come for 3 hours in the day once every 1-2 months and he's rarely here because he's at work). He also said that he doesn't think he'll be available for DDs blessing thingie either as that's something he was doing for me and he won't bother now.

Have I imagined this or is this a slightly odd response?

I think he thinks that he's quite good with people and indeed he is when he doesn't feel threatened emotionally in any way and reports of him usually describe him as 'very charming'. He works in the city in a very customer orientated role. He also has an MBA etc

He wouldn't dream of getting any help. He reluctantly went to see a life coach (she'd been pressing for his business) and he came back saying that they'd agreed with him that he doesn't need any help with anything and that they couldn't offer him anything. I found that hard to believe but there we are. He wants the world but won't take the necessary steps to get it and then gets furious with people for not giving it to him.

do you think he's totally insecure about DD -does he feel you are "neglecting" him for her and also he's not as confident in dealing with her, so avoids it incase she "rejects" him too? (i don't think these things myself, just the way an insecure man might see it). Maybe he's jealous of your baby taking so much of your time - it's supposed to be quite common isn't it? - esp. as you're suggesting he was already like this before she was born.

I don't think it's that - he's a very hands on Dad - brilliant in fact. He took her off my hands for the first time this weekend and it's not that he wouldn't do it before, it's just he said that he didn't need one to one time with her and wanted to spend w/e's as a family. This weekend was my doing because i badly needed some space.

But to say he doesn't need one to one time with her and wanted to spend time as a family is yet another way of totally failing to read your needs! Anyone needs time to themselves! And he's done that in a quite manipulative way really - by making you feel / seem unreasonable and not valuing family time if you ask for time out!

Maybe you need to try and make it a regular thing that on alternating weekends you take it in turns to look after dd on your own for a couple of hours - that way you both get 'me'time which is really important but also a lot of time as a family?

Separate issue to the mil I think...

I do empathise I often feel suffocated by my PIL. They live locally (mine are abroad) and call us almost every night and expect to come over for a meal and to stay over one night at the weekend. I have stopped this recently but they are truly miffed. It sounds to me, reading between the lines as if your DH feels the same as you do and the thought of his mother for all that time is as daunting for him as it is for you hence his retaliation! Does MIL have and friends or family nearby who could help break up the time for you?

I have to say I'm the same, I dread my mum coming over (also from "abroad") and she's only going to be here for one day (so far, I'm sure she'll turn up unexpectedly at some other point during her stay in the country) and I don't have a lot of patience for her (we clash majorly)
I know she's my mum and she bought me into the world (blah blah blah) but sometimes you just have to realise that everyone is different!

On the one hand I understand your meaning behind "offering" him to go out for the eve on his own with his mum, but then it's his mum there's not always a lot for mum/son to talk about, so maybe he needs you there to keep the connection (him-male, you-female, MIL-female) I don't know

His reacction is way OTT though, think it was more a defence reacction (I'll come to your DD's blessing thingy!! I need a day out)
Strange that he was "only doing it for you", shouldn't he have wanted to be there?

My answer to this:
MEN!!!

What I don't understand though is why he didn't just say that it's really important that I'm there and that he understands my need for time out and that he can field her for an afternoon (or whatever) while I opt out then. As it is, nothing is resolved from my point of view and the subject appears closed. I can certainly reopen it and I'll have to (much to his annoyance I'm sure). I would just feel so much better if we could have a NORMAL chat about it now rather than any odd conversations that may ensue infront of MIL when she's here. I really don't want her feeling unwelcome.

Don't 'allow'him to decide whn a subject is closed. Just ask him if he has calmed down enough to talk about it sensibly, explain how you feel and remind him (if necessary)about the time spent looking after his mum in America after her op....

Ask him why he doesn't want his mum to stay with you at your house, why it's so important that you go along to the theatre and what in general his problem is with you..!!
best of luck.